This logline checks all the boxes, but still feels a little wordy. Help me whittle it down. Title: "Death Masque." Genre: Horror propelled by Romance. LOGLINE: "A CIA Black Ops "fixer" and an MK Ultra Sex Slave must go rogue and battle a Satanist mastermind to rescue her daughter from a Ritual Sacrifice designed to invoke Lucifer and achieve the mastermind's goal of becoming The False Prophet of the Apocalypse." Fire away! And thanks for your input.
Your Stage : Attack My Logline! Please! by Thomas D. Huggins
Attack My Logline! Please!
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A Black Ops fixer falls for a mind-controlled slave, who tells him/her about a Satanist planning on bringing about the apocalypse. Both of them going rogue, they battle the wits of a mastermind in order to rescue her kidnapped daughter from being sacrificed.
Yes? No? Maybe so?
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Way too wordy and confusing. I had to look up the MK Ultra....blah, blah, blah. And people can figure out what type of agent he is by what he does in the script. Go rogue??? Is the CIA behind all this??? False Prophet....blah, blah, blah. You've been reading one too many spy novels. Try this one on for size. One less word but much more clear and exciting:
"A CIA operative and a mother who escaped a government slave trade-ring must find and defeat a Satanic cult leader and his followers before they can sacrifice her daughter in a demonic ritual that will allegedly bring about the end of the world."
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A CIA fixer goes rogue when a brainwashed sex slave enlists his/her help to rescue her daughter from a ritualist sacrifice designed to bring about the End Times.
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@Tony@Anthony@Brian have better suggestions than your original log @Thomas. This is NOT a negative view of your intellectual input in log line but simply folks have to look up the meaning of "Black ops fixer and MK ultra" The masses, at first glance do not know what the story is all about.
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“After a spy rescues a sex slave, the two battle Satanists to prevent the rise of the antichrist.” I think it feels flat because the stakes are way generic. What’s in it for them? How are they uniquely qualified to face these opponents?
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Here’s the published logline for Messiah tv series on Netflix:
A CIA officer investigates a charismatic figure whose followers believe he can perform miracles; he may be a divine entity or a dangerous con artist.
IMO, your logline is giving Readers too much info to NOT read your script.
Thanks for the input. Here's a new attempt, less-is-more approach: "After a Spymaster goes rogue to rescue a CIA Sex Slave, they must battle a Satanist mastermind to save her daughter from Ritual Sacrifice." Minus 20 words, 115 characters, less extraneous info. Comments?
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After looking up MK Ultra and CIA Sex Slaves I think these loglines are leaving out a lot.
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Dan MaxXx, you beast. I read your advice and changed one of my loglines. Too much info.
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Why the spymaster? Sounds like it’s her story.
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You could nix him entirely and have a story about a sex worker who must escape captivity to rescue her daughter from ritual sacrifice. That would perk up a lot more ears.
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A despondent CIA Spy specializing in the supernatural must investigate a charismatic but dangerous sex cult Leader who may have Satan's only love child as a follower.
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Just my two cents. “A government spy specialising in the paranormal, rescues a CIA agent from sex slavery in a dangerous cult but they both still need to save a child from sacrifice.”