Screenwriting : Logline for my current Native comedy screenplay, "L.A. POWWOW OR BUST" by Sheryl S Hill

I was confused by the ninth word of run-on sentence. I think you need to fix punctation.

Hi, Sheryl. That logline is a bit long. The details are all kind of interesting to me but there are more than needed IMO. Also, maybe you can somehow make it clear whether this is a story that has flashbacks? Does it take place mainly in 1969 or mainly (or only) in the present?

Here's one way to shorten the logline: "Two Native best friends at a memorial service reminisce about a road trip they took with the deceased from Wichita in 1969 to a New Year's powwow in L.A. and the old Native hippie hitchhiker they would pick up along the way." But a logline usually states or hints at what the stakes are for the protagonists and often the obstacles they'll face (e.g., an antagonist). So you might wish to try to incorporate those elements in a rewrite.

Hi, Sheryl S Hill. For a logline, you want something like: "After ______ (something happens/the inciting incident), a _______ (the protagonist with an adjective) tries to _______ (goal of story) so ________ (stakes)."

You might want to add the antagonist in the logline.

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline.

I like writing one-sentence loglines, but they can be two sentences.

Example #1:

"After a group of dog criminals arrives in a small town, an impulsive dog sheriff defends a dog treat factory so they won't steal food that's meant for hungry dog families."

Example #2:

"A dysfunctional couple works together to survive against bears after they crash on an abandoned road miles from help."

I absolutely want to thank all of you for this!!! You have no idea how helpful this is for me.

You're welcome, Sheryl S Hill.

OKAY! Thanks to Eric Christopherson and Maurice Vaughan , I've tweaked this, using a lot of what @Eric suggested.

Two Native best friends reunite at a memorial service and reminisce about a surrealistic “Three Rezketeers” style road trip with the deceased to the 1969 L.A. New Year's Powwow, and the old Native hippie hitchhiker they would pick up along the way.

And then there's this one.

Two Native best friends reunite at a memorial service and reminisce about a surrealistic “Three Rezketeers” style road trip they took with the deceased, to the 1969 L.A. New Year's Day Powwow, and the old Native hippie hitchhiker they would pick up along the way.

However, I sort of like this one better.

Two Native best friends reunite at a memorial service and reminisce about a surrealistic “Three Rezketeers” style road trip they took with the deceased in 1969, and the old Native hippie hitchhiker they would pick up along the way.

Kinda long winded and convoluted - it needs to be more succinct. I see it as a road trip comedy played out in '69 with contemporary 'bookends' (watch 'The Bridges of Madison County' for a structural pattern).

@wallywu I would love to hear more about the Cherokee Time Travel story! :)

It feels like there's too much unnecessary detail. I think this is your barebone idea if it helps:

During their friend's memorial, two friends reminisce on their 1969 road trip from Wichita to L.A. they had with him/her.

Hi Frankie! Thank you for that. But, because it is a Native comedy, it's important to make certain that part is known in the logline.

Sheryl S Hill

"When two Native best friends reunite at a memorial service, they reminisce about a surrealistic road trip they took with the deceased in 1969 and an old, Native hippie hitchhiker they picked up along the way."

I wouldn't put "Three Rezketeers" because people might not know what it means.

Maurice Vaughan I LIKE THAT!!!!! May I have your permission to use it? And how do I publicly credit you for that logline? Because I want to make certain that is done!

Yes, you can use that logline. :) You don't have to credit me.

Or "When two Native best friends reunite at a memorial service, they reminisce about a surrealistic 1969 road trip they took with the deceased and an old, Native hippie hitchhiker they picked up along the way."

Maurice Vaughan You're awesome!!! I cannot thank you enough!!!

You're welcome, Sheryl S Hill. Glad I was able to help with the logline.