Hello Fellow Scribes,
I need your advice. I recently received feedback on a script that I don't understand nor agree with. Let me set up the scene in question: Setting: on a college campus; Characters: approximately four females (three in a group, one sitting alone); Prop: cellphone; Scene: The three females are talking then they want to take a group selfie. Female 1 takes out her cellphone but states that she has no charge. She walks over to the lone female and places her phone on top of the lone girl's phone that is setting on the table. Female1 picks up her cellphone, says "thank you" and then she and the other females take a group selfie.
The reader posted a comment in the margin that "we don't understand what is happening here".
Did I not explain this scene well? Please tell me what you think happened in this scene? Do I need to explain it more, write EXACTLY what is happening because I assume everybody realized.
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I understand what's happening, Vikki Harris, but everyone doesn't know about Wireless PowerShare. Maybe change Female 1's dialogue to "Thanks for the charge."
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Thank you Maurice Vaughan . That's exactly what I wanted the reader to know/think/comprehend, that she charged her phone. But, I think you're right. I'll add that extra line for all who do not know about Wireless PowerShare. But, also, it makes me wonder: Who are these people reading scripts? Shouldn't they have a certain awareness about what's going on in the world to be able to understand a variety of story elements? I am not the coolest, hippiest person in the world, but my goodness, I know about wireless charging.
Ok, Dan Guardino . Point taken.
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You're welcome, Vikki Harris. There's a lot of technology out and new technology is being released all the time, so it's hard to keep up with it all.
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I have seen it in an advert. My phone doesn’t do it and I have never seen anyone do it (then again I don’t socialise much). Having said, I did understand what was happening.
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Maybe introduce a bit of dialogue in the scene, without overexposing the phone? That's just my take on it.
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Note behind the note: why is this included.
Just take the selfie without all the peripheral action. Don't either of the other two have a phone to offer a charge.
I agree with E Langley that it's not clear why the PowerShare is part of the scene. But if it IS necessary, definitely clarify a bit because it's not a ubiquitous phone function
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Ok, everyone. I just wanted to know whether anyone understood that she charged her phone. I didn't want to get into detail about the story, just that scene and the charging. But for all you who are wondering why it was important for her to charge her phone this way... This is a horror story. The evil being passes through the lone female's phone, so there has to be away for the being to transfer to another phone, thus the charging. I use other methods as well: photo sharing, texting, email. I was trying to be creative, giving different ways for evil to enter phones.
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Now the necessary details are explained it makes sense - as far as the action goes.
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Never assume readers understand about technology. I had a Blacklist reader bang on about a futuristic gun I kept referring to in a script when in fact it was an M2 Browning which was designed in 1918.
While I know about wireless charging, I didn't know you could just put some phones on other people's phones and have their power transfer automatically. Seems like something that could be abused.
Something of note here, you could show and not tell. There would almost certainly be some sort of insert shot showing a closeup of the phone screen when the phones connect (and the evil being passes through secretly) so you could write something in that eludes to that.
"Becky places her phone on Nikki's. The screen immediately glows into life as power is transferred."
I'll say this though too. It seems unlikely someone would go to take a selfie and be so low on charge they can't take one. Surely the phone would die immediately in that situation and then they'd have to wait for it to reboot once they had power?
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my first thought (after reading your first post) was that she wanted to charge her phone.
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Enough to make us know what's going but not every single detail; I should be able to fill in everything else.