Screenwriting

Hello all, I’m currently writing a thriller and I’m on a scene where the antagonist is taunting the MC with a little nursery rhyme- but I’m shopping around for lullabies and children’s songs that are creepy enough. Preferably from old folklore. I’m using a Turkish song right now, but I’d love to hear suggestions!

I've read for the Austin Film Fest for several years now, and I wanted to invite other readers (or screenwriters who regularly read for their peers/friends/etc.) to add their thoughts to a running list I've been putting together. Working as a reader, whether it's for a film festival or at a desk in an agency or management company, is a heck of a lot of work, but it can be a worthwhile education in what to do and what not to do when getting your own words on the page. You get a good look at some familiar pitfalls while occasionally hitting gold and discovering an exciting new voice or writing method. My thoughts are below:

Put yourself In the shoes of the audience

Does the audience need a little break from the drama? Has it been a while since they had a good "wtf?" moment to keep them on their toes? Obviously write the film or show you would want to see, but don't forget the end goal is that other people will be watching this too, and it's never a bad time to remind yourself to earn the $25 ticket someone paid to see your work in the theater.

Transitions make a huge difference.

It’s incredible how many scenes I would read that just end with no notice, we’re simply not in that scene anymore. Transitions help us know what and how to feel from scene to scene, and they don’t always have to be a big moment or anything, but even just noting a look from a character, a question, or an action, can make a big difference.

Act breaks mean something.

I read a lot of pilots that included act breaks, mostly 5 acts, some only 3. Those act breaks you’re including in the headers aren’t just there as decoration, and they aren’t there as some sort of symbolic formality. In fact, the act break heading isn’t the thing that should define an act break at all, the action within the script should do that on its own. If you removed the act break headers altogether, a reader should still feel them, meaning what’s happening in your story should define an act break, not a page number.

Prove your plot to the reader

If your character is upset with their love life, feeling lonely, etc., and desperately wants a change, they can’t also be turning down dates left and right. If your character is a standup comedian and they’re hoping they’ll win a standup competition, they need to be incredibly funny. If your character is a detective, and they’re the best at what they do, we need to see them do some mighty fine detective work.

Your characters don’t have to be “likeable,” but they do have to be interesting.

Your character can be a good person and do good things, but that’s not necessarily what makes a good character. You can have a character who hates everyone, a complete misanthrope, someone who would rather kick a cat than to save it, but if you make them interesting, you’re on the right track. In AS GOOD AS IT GETS, you’ve got an OCD-laden, misanthropic, bigoted sexist, and he hates dogs. Not very "likeable" at all. But you know what he is? Interesting. He’s an incredibly talented writer, there’s some deep hurt underneath him, and he’s willing to go to extreme lengths just to keep what he considers “normal” in his life.

Don’t blow your best setups on the pilot.

So many pilots this year had the potential for some excellent setups that could be paid off mid-season or later, like a wife meeting with a divorce lawyer but having second thoughts and a husband secretly taking a mortgage out on their house but backing down at the last minute. By the end of the pilot, this information is revealed and dealt with, water under the bridge, and the plot will move on like nothing ever happened. It’s such a waste of a setup that could make for some incredible drama down the line, and may very well be the secret weapon you need to keep your series going. Imagine if Jaimie Lannister had a heart-to-heart with Ned Stark at the end of the GOT pilot about the truth behind his assassination of the Mad King. Sure, that’s interesting stuff, but instead we get an insane amount of character development from Jaimie through 3 seasons until he’s at his lowest before he reveals his feelings to Brianne. Don’t waste a setup like that.

Why now?

Your plot can’t begin simply because the protagonist decided it should, it should be something that happens organically, even better if your protagonist is at odds with it, that way they can choose to become a part of the plot themselves. If you really want to write a series about a young person working in a retirement home, and your pilot is their first day, it shouldn’t be just because they woke up that day and said “you know what? I’m going to work in a retirement home.” There needs to be something that brought them there. Do they have a grandparent who doesn’t remember them, and this is how they get to keep an eye on them? Is this court mandated? Maybe a way to get closer to someone they have a crush on who works there?

You’re overusing “starts to” and “begins” in your action lines.

It’s something that every fresh screenwriter does far too often, and once you see it you can’t unsee it. Go ahead and run a "find" for those words, see how you use them.

Women aren’t primed to cry at the drop of a hat.

Scripts are full of women who cry at every raised voice and every harsh word, and just like violence or nudity or profanity, it loses all of its power when it is used over and over. Women have a range of emotions like everyone else, and I challenge every writer out there to consider alternative reactions when a female character is presented with bad news.

It’s not just your story or your dialogue, your writing is your voice.

What many writers have forgotten is that they have complete control over every word on every page, and those words should be their voice. A screenplay is not just a blueprint for what happens in a movie (some people will disagree, I personally find "this happens, then this happens" to be incredibly boring), but how it happens and how we should feel while reading it.

Don’t fear a good intro.

While this may not work for every genre, a cold open or cold open-adjacent intro can help ease readers into the world of your story while also properly setting the tone early on. Several scripts seem to just… start. People are talking, the A story is immediately initiated within the first action line, multiple characters are all introduced at the same time, and the reader is left to try and figure out the tone on their own, often to realize several pages later that they were wrong and are forced to readjust their expectations.

Introduce characters conservatively.

Often readers are challenged with differentiating a dozen or so characters within the first few pages. Spread this out when you can, and do your best to clue us in on who’ll we’ll have to pay attention to as the story goes on. If your police officer is only involved in a scene or two and otherwise doesn’t have a huge bearing on the story, please, Officer #1 is fine, you’re welcome to name them in the shoot script or when casting time comes around. Knowing their name is “Officer McCleary (46, gruff and with an air of ignorance)” will only add to an ever-growing list of protagonists or supporting players.

For god’s sake, use Courier. Run spell check. Read your script slowly and out loud.

Simple as that. It will save your page count significantly, it’s easier to read, and will not immediately announce to the reader that “this script is not ready.”

Have any notes to add? Comment below!

Hi everyone — I’m taking a crack at screen writing and come up with the first few pages of a script I’ve adapted from my own short story.

I would greatly appreciate any feedback or brutal notes…

LOGLINE

In a world where AI companions offer their humans unconditional love, two women—one buying, and the other sold—discover the price of perfection.

COMPS

Her

Don’t Worry Darling

Ex Machina

Eternal Sunshine…

GUNPOWDER

By James Luo

ACT I

ON BLACK

TITLE CARD: 2075

FADE IN

EXT. A WILD-LOOKING DINER - DAY

Dashing Don’s Diner is quiet. The breeze curls in through its doorless entrance. PHOEBE (105) sits on the sun-warmed bench. 

Across the square, a small group of children play, calling to each other in chirps and whistles. 

The veranda overlooks the collapsed quarter, low arcologies nestled between what remains of the old city’s bones. 

Phoebe looks at the cup in her hands. It had been broken once. Someone had put it back together with gold.

FADE OUT

ON BLACK

TITLE CARD: 1995

FADE IN

INT. AN INNER-CITY APARTMENT - DAY

Hottest summer on record and the elevator’s broken again. KARIM (27) and Phoebe (25) lug their groceries up five flights. Before he’s finished dead-bolting the door, she’s peeling off her sodden clothes.

KARIM

(mock-pleading)

Babe... it’s too hot to fuck.

Phoebe flips him two birds and rushes to the shower. 

PHOEBE (O.S.)

Jeeezus - the pipes are boiling.

Karim is still banging cans into the pantry when Phoebe comes out of the bathroom - naked and dripping, but not cooler. She pulls on her baggiest t-shirt (Madonna - Strike a Pose), goes to turn on the computer. 

The dial-up modem whistles shrilly over and over.

KARIM

(sighing)

Line’s dead, remember?

PHOEBE

(slamming her hands on the wobbly table)

Does one thing work here?

KARIM

(turning on the TV – it blares: -Irish coast, an unprecedented mortality rate of marine organisms from red tide-)

TV works.

(TV CONT’S: -recent years by pollution and temperature-)

Phoebe stabs the Off button, grabs a Coke from the fridge, and - nearly yanking the rickety window off its tracks - climbs out onto the fire escape. 

The city’s haze presses down. Karim stands at the window holding a packet of frozen chapati to his forehead.

PHOEBE

Are you really going to DC next month?

KARIM

It is called the Million Man March, babe - I gotta do my part to make the numbers.

PHOEBE

You trust it won’t get ugly? 

I have a bad feeling about this... about the world right now.

KARIM

I gotta do my part...

(beat)

If we... ever... have kids, is this the world you wanna leave’m?

PHOEBE

Hmm.

What’s the name of Mohan’s wife... you three went to school together, right?

KARIM

Stacy. 

PHOEBE

Stacy. She pregnant?

KARIM

Yeah. Maybe. Or trying to be. I haven’t. 

PHOEBE

Another couple gambling that there will be a future.

The ensuing silence is broken by a car alarm down the block - it’s ragged, exhausted like everything else.

CUT TO:

INT. THE KITCHEN IN THEIR APARTMENT - EVENING

They’re finishing dinner. An empty wine bottle stands between them. Phoebe is still in her baggy t-shirt, sweat rings under the arms. Karim’s down to boxers. A small fan turns valiantly.

KARIM

Feebs - this fork still has rice between the tines.

PHOEBE

Between the tines - who the fuck talks like that.

KARIM

Just pointing out your dishwashing prowess, why you gotta over-react every time...

Karim picks up a new bottle of wine from the shelf.

PHOEBE

Hey - put that down, I don’t want more wine.

KARIM

I do, and maybe you should... make you less mean.

PHOEBE

I’m mean? What, just because I laughed at you using anatomically correct description for our cutlery? C’mon, it’s funny how you talk - like a fucking robot!

KARIM

Like a-?

(shakes his head)

Nemmind... thanks for proving my point!

PHOEBE

Wow. I shoulda done years of Debate Club, then maybe-

(laying on a plummy accent)

-I too can conclude my arguments with: I rest my case.

KARIM

Tt...

(struggling with the foil top)

Goddammit!

(cuts his thumb on the sharp foil edge)

Debate Club...

(muttering as he sucks at the blood)

Karim pours himself a glass, and keeps pouring.

PHOEBE

Okayy, so this is how tough guys prove their point - with a triple serve of Shiraz. Knock yourself out - just don’t bleed all over my mum’s tableclo-

Too late - Karim puts the bottle down over the cork. It rolls, and tips over. The wine glugs out. Phoebe leaps to her feet, chair skittering backwards. The glass front of their cabinet shatters.

SFX: KRISHHHH!

CUT TO BLACK

ACT II

ON BLACK

TITLE CARD: 2025

INT. A SLEEK APARTMENT - DAWN

FADE IN

CAMERA TIGHT ON PHOEBE’S SLEEPING FACE

Phoebe awakens to the whistling of kettle. She rolls onto her side to bury her face in Jun’s pillow, taking in deeply his scent - jasmine. She swings her legs off the bed, stepping onto the heated pad which Jun had left on her side. 

JUN (indeterminate middle-age) is in the kitchen, steaming cup in one hand. The other rests lightly on the kettle, as if coaxing it to silence. Upon seeing Phoebe, his mouth crinkles in a half-smile.

Jun stretches out his hand with the cup, slowing a little before passing it to her. He mouths inaudibly, “Hot.”

Phoebe holds the cup in both hands, enjoying the warmth, marvelling at the leaves unfurling. 

PHOEBE

Is this the Gunpowder tea we bought?

JUN

(nods)

Hand-rolled in Zhejiang.

PHOEBE

(taking a sip)

Ooh, nutty, toasty... smoky all at once - I love this.

JUN

It’s your new favourite tea.

PHOEBE

Brewed by my new favourite man.

JUN

65 degrees, steeped two minutes.

(switches to a chirpy tone)

Would you like to hear more about its provenance?

She eyes him sharply. 

He bursts out laughing.

Austin Film Festival coverage just gave my screenplay, The Art of Suffering, a perfect score and a "Recommend" which they say is rare. I'm not sure exactly how to leverage this so more agents and producers read it?

So I'm prepping for Query Season and...have you ever had a feeling God, the Universe, etc. was putting someone out there for you?

Like...everyone else is either unavailable or rejecting you, yet this one person just seems oddly open and perfectly matching you creatively, almost like the universe is pointing a million neon signs at them?

Would love to hear your stories about that.

Hi All: I have finished ACT ONE of my holiday screenplay and I have until late December to submit. Is anyone keen to read the first 30 pages to see if I'm on the right track? Thanks!

(Please keep in mind that this is done as it would be a script for a comic. I have a background in comics, so I use comic terms for the script. I do hope to get this made as a movie or short TV show. I'm looking for feedback on the pages. If you can take the time to read and leave a review in the comments, replace panels with shots.)

Ch5 Pg 9

(Ch5 Pg9 Panel 1 - Wide Panel)

The two of them continue their journey, and Garna is looking ahead at the road. Garna is continuing with the tree trunk while Garerit rides along in the branches. The landscape stretches out ahead of them, and their destination is unclear, leaving the reader with a sense of adventure. The comical nature of the situation remains, but there's also an underlying camaraderie developing between the two as they walk toward their next challenge.

SB (Garna - Speaking, Dialogue Bubble): "Just a little farther, we'll make it before the sun sets."

SB (Garerit - Speaking, Dialogue Bubble): "That will be excellent."

(Ch5 Pg9 Panel 2)

Garna walks with the full weight of the tree plus Garerit, their breath visible in the cold mountain air. The forest is quiet, save for the distant chirping of birds. Garerit smirks, as if debating whether to tell the truth or spin another tale. Garna nods, committing the name to memory.

SB (Garna - Glancing at Garerit, Curious): "You never told me your name."

SB (Garerit - Casually): "Garerit."

SB (Garna - Thoughtful): "Garerit... I'll remember that."

SB (Garna): "My name is Garna by the way."

SB (Gareirt): "Nice to meet you."

(Ch5 Pg9 Panel 3 - Medium Panel)

A winding, treacherous mountain path leads up to the enchanted castle in the sky, perched at the very peak of a towering mountain. The path is narrow, flanked by jagged cliffs and mist-covered ravines below. Garna, the giant, marches forward confidently, his heavy footsteps shaking the ground. Garerit, still hiding in the tree, listens intently as Garna begins to speak, his deep voice echoing against the mountainside.

SB (Garna - Dialogue Bubble): "We are almost there, Gareirt. The castle awaits."

(Ch5 Pg9 Panel 4 - Full-Width Panel)

Garna, the giant, walks confidently through a vast, mist-filled landscape as he brings Garerit toward the enchanted castle in the sky. The castle is visible in the distance, floating high above the ground on clouds and surrounded by an ethereal glow, hinting at its magical nature. The scale of the castle is imposing, with high towers and spires reaching into the heavens. The tailor, his small figure appearing even smaller against the backdrop of the giant and the floating castle. The sense of a journey to an otherworldly place is emphasized here, with the magical atmosphere and surreal landscape drawing attention to the mystical adventure ahead.

SB (Garna - Speaking, Dialogue Bubble): "Ah, Garerit, you do not know what kind of place you are entering."

(Ch5 Pg9 Panel 5 - Medium Panel)

This panel zooms in on the enchanted castle, showing it in greater detail. The floating towers are adorned with golden filigree and mysterious runes, glowing faintly in the twilight. The castle hovers above a shimmering cloud sea, with magic-charged winds swirling around its perimeter. The magical nature of the structure is clear, as it seems to exist outside the natural laws of the world. The contrast between the grounded, earthy giant and the ethereal castle highlights the otherworldly challenge that awaits. This is no ordinary destination's a place of mystery and enchantment.

SB (Garerit - Thought Bubble): "A castle in the sky... I never thought I'd see such a thing?"

Ch5 Pg 10

(Ch5 Pg10 Panel 1 - Wide Shot)

A dramatic, towering view of the enchanted castle perched at the peak of the mountain. Dark clouds swirl above it, and lightning flashes in the distance, giving the structure a mystical yet ominous aura. The walls are colossal, built from massive black stone blocks, and glowing arcane symbols pulse faintly along their surface. Garna stands near the cliff's edge, facing a short stone pillar with strange carvings on it. Garerit, still hiding himself, carefully watches from a safe distance.

(Ch5 Pg10 Panel 2 - Wide Shot)

As they reach the top of the mountain, the castle stands before them, its towers spiraling toward the heavens and glowing with arcane symbols. Outside the gates, other giants patrol the area: some stand guard while others lounge near massive stone tables, feasting and sharpening their weapons. Their voices boom with laughter and conversation, making the castle feel both alive and dangerous.

SB (Garna - Dialogue Bubble): "My lord and maker, who controls this castle, is no fool. He traps all who enter with powerful magic. There's a lady here, a Duke's daughter, who is the most precious prize and has been transformed into a white doe by his magic power."

(Ch5 Pg10 Panel 3 - Wide Panel)

Garna stands with the enchanted castle in front of them. The magical aura of the castle is seen in the background, swirling in vibrant colors. Garerit listens intently, his mind working, considering the implications of freeing the captives and undoing the curse.

SB (Garna - Speaking, Dialogue Bubble): "And, of course, you will meet my many other brothers, who dwell in the castle."

SB (Gerarit - Speaking, Dialogue Bubble): "Many other brothers!"

(Ch5 Pg10 Panel 4 - Wide Shot)

Garerit sits in the tree resolutely in front of the castle. He is determined to free the captives and undo the sorcery that binds them. His eyes are sharp with focus, and his small frame now stands tall in the face of such overwhelming odds. The castle in the sky looms beyond him, both a literal and figurative obstacle to overcome. This panel shows Garerit's bravery and resolve as he faces the unknown.

SB (Gerarit - Speaking, Dialogue Bubble): "I will liberate them. No curse can withstand a mind as capable as mine."

(Ch5 Pg10 Panel 5 - Medium Shot)

A closer view of Garna as he turns his head slightly, speaking aloud. The tailor remains hidden within the branches, his face partially visible as he listens carefully. Garerit's eyes widen at this revelation, gripping the tree bark tightly.

SB (Garna - Dialogue Bubble): "The castle is home to more than just my brothers. Many knights and ladies are prisoners of my great elder Brother."

“A better way to improve your writing is to create two characters who are more opposite to each other. You know, that way you get more traction.”

https://youtu.be/aPn_j1STwgQ?si=J3GqqJe3HM6mW3DO