A producer is the most miserable creature alive. His morning doesn’t start with brushing his teeth with a fresh line of cok... — no, he has to groan, crack his spine, and drag himself to Walmart. There he buys yet another tiny mixed-feed gizmo for the Time Machine he’s been building, just so he can finally get back to the beloved ’70s without your outrage and offended thinkpieces.
When he’s done with his very important engineering duties, he has to call the rent-a-nurse squad, who deliver a specially engineered Marvel-Version Suit for him — The Producer-Man Suit, which is basically a straitjacket they buckle him into so he doesn’t accidentally slap anyone’s ass. Including his own. His ass can file a lawsuit too, in case you were wondering.
His mouth stays taped shut from dawn till dusk, because Mossad and MI6 installed spyware apps on his phone disguised as a calendar — at the polite request of his coworkers. Now the only thing he can get handsy with is the tape on his lips, and his lips are desert-dry because of it.
He even has to change the shine in his eyes by dropping Ozempic into them. And now that signature sparkle he once had when seeing a fat check has been replaced by a raw, unfiltered joy whenever he spots a performer who perfectly fits The Agenda.
Moreover! The poor dude has to work on the floor, because a desk is a potential site of an intimate crime, and all the beds in his home he handed out to carpenter friends ages ago.
And now, when a newbie performer sees this broken soul, they no longer ask, “OMG, are you really a producer?” They just silently pull out their credit card and buy a discounted pack of nuggets so the apex predator of show business can survive until the next multi-million-dollar blockbuster.
This miserable and battered producer needs your support and help. There will be no bank details — he asked me to set up the fundraiser tomorrow, when the hostel owner comes to demand rent.
2 people like this
Hi Jake, my name is Giulio Malandrino and I'm an Italian director. What kind of projects are you looking for?
Hey, Jake DelVecchio. Stage 32 has free in-person Meetups that are great for networking with directors, producers, execs, writers, and more (www.stage32.com/meetups). If you don't see a Meetup in your...
Expand commentHey, Jake DelVecchio. Stage 32 has free in-person Meetups that are great for networking with directors, producers, execs, writers, and more (www.stage32.com/meetups). If you don't see a Meetup in your area, keep an eye on that page for new Meetups. And you're welcome to start your own Meetup.
3 people like this
Jake DelVecchio You should drop into our Independent Producers Guild and DSP weekly virtual meet ups, and as an independent producer, you should join the Guild as well. Reach out to me here....
Expand commentJake DelVecchio You should drop into our Independent Producers Guild and DSP weekly virtual meet ups, and as an independent producer, you should join the Guild as well. Reach out to me here.