I am hoping some of you here have had success with written pitches. I have been struggling with this and was hoping to get feedback from the gang here before I go ahead pay for a pitch session.
The Ecstasy
Genre: Legal/ Drama/ Thriller
Format: Feature
Nutshell: The Firm meets The Verdict
Log-line: To save his life, his marriage and his career, a young lawyer must prove the arrest of a school teacher at a Miami swingers club was the cause of her suicide; not her alternative lifestyle.
Overview:
Drawing from the legal drama thrillers and mixing in organized crime and political corruption elements, The Ecstasy puts on trial the non-monogamous relationship also known as The Lifestyle. Through the investigation of a police incursion of a private club called, The Ecstasy, a young lawyer will fight for his life and uncover the truth behind the club’s raid, his client’s secrets and the truth about his own marriage.
Characters:
Jack Perlman- The young lawyer and hero of the story. Jack doesn’t take cases he knows he can’t win and he doesn’t get personally involved, these qualities serve him well at the Law firm but not in his personal life.
Elizabeth Perlman- Jack’s wife, an independent woman from a patriarchal family. She is unhappy with her marriage but has yet to speak her mind to Jack about his infidelity before their wedding.
Tom Langley- Jack and Elizabeth’s college friend and the Mayor of Miami’s personal assistant. Tom was in love with Elizabeth in college and is the person who told Elizabeth about Jack’s infidelity.
Ron Coles- Is a man with secrets. Ron and his wife were arrested in the police raid of The Ecstasy club. Ron’s wife committed suicide after their arrest and he wants to bring a claim against the city.
Nancy Rodriguez- Is an attorney in private practice. She was a former associate at the Law firm where Jack now works and his mentor. Nancy and her husband are members of The Ecstasy Club.
Robert Garcia- Is the Mayor of the city of Miami, he has ties to organized crime and is desperate to be re-elected. Mayor Garcia has approval to build a new Miami baseball stadium.
Nathan Wyatt- Is the senior partner at the law firm and Jack’s superior. Nathan’s firm is handling the preliminary contracts proposals of the Mayor’s baseball stadium project.
John Waterston-Is the City Attorney for Miami and a man doing his job.
Summary
In the opening scene RON COLES stalks a drug dealer, Ramone Santiago, out to the parking lot of a Miami strip club and ruthlessly stabs him. At home Ron and his wife, Anna, show concerned for a troubled young girl named Angela, later that night Ron and Anna are arrested and hauled out of The Ecstasy club before a crowd of news reporters. Returning home they find Angela missing. The morning edition of the Miami Herald lies on Angela’s bed. The front page picture of Ron and Anna in the back of a police cruiser reads “SEX EDUCATION”
The story revolves around JACK’s investigation into the raid of The Ecstasy club. RON wants to bring a claim against the city for his wife’s suicide due to the media backlash that resulted in her removal from her teaching position. JACK turns RON’s claim down because of his alternate lifestyle believing no jury would find in his favor but when TOM is murdered before he can meet with JACK about the raid, he takes action.
Initially the investigation leads to dead ends. In an effort to uncover the truth Jack and Elizabeth visit the Ecstasy club where they find out a political adversary to the Mayor attended the club that night but left before police arrived. While at the club Jack and Elizabeth have an encounter with NANCY and her husband which fractures Jack’s already weakened marriage. Forces behind the raid attempt to derail the investigation with an assault on Elizabeth and attempt on Jack’s life, all of which drives the wedge between Jack and Elizabeth deeper. When Jack discovers a recorded conversation between the Mayor, the Police Chief and Nathan Wyatt exposing their connection to a New York crime boss, Tom’s death and Elizabeth’s assault, Jack persuades Ron to let him file his claim.
As Jack puts together the case Ron’s character becomes more uncertain. Police questioned Ron about the stabbing of a drug dealer. Why was a student, Angela, living with them at the time of their arrest? Why had Ron’s wife seen a psychologist about her lifestyle activities? Jack and Ron face off about, Angela’s mother Maria La Cava, a key witness for the defense that Ron refuses to let Jack question. Ron’s temper turns physical leaving Jack in fear for his life. At a pre-trial deposition Ron threatens the City Attorney showing himself a loose cannon about to go off.
In a Hail Mary play, Jack sends copies of the recorded conversation to the FBI and the New York crime boss. Jack goes to Nancy for help. As the trial begins a hit on Mayor Garcia is thwarted by the FBI; the Mayor then testifies against the chief of police proving the raid was a set up. On the stand Ron tells the story of Angela’s disappearance and death in a drive by shooting and consequently his wife’s suicide. The final battle comes down to defense witness Maria La Cava’s testimony; during Jack’s cross examination Maria reveals Ramone Santiago had beaten her unconscious then raped his own daughter Angela for flushing his drug down the toilet. In a stunning reveal Maria tells the court Angela’s biological mother was Anna Coles.
Jack finds Elizabeth in the gallery as he gives a heartfelt closing argument on the obligation of marriage. Jack wins the case and a huge settlement. In the final scene we see Jack and Elizabeth walking side by side, Elizabeth takes Jack’s hand in hers and they walk together.
This sounds cool concept. Big fish small pond or big fish big pond antagonists against the under dog. Wheels within wheels, white is black and black is white, where nothing is what it seems. I feel it is not dissimilar to neo noir. Normal world turned upside down and a hero with internal and external obstacles of their own, investigating devious characters with tortuous plotting. I will go through your full synopsis word for word at a later date and get back to you with my two cents cos I been working 15 hours already. However with regard log line. Personally I would go with. "A young lawyer must prove a teacher committed suicide resulting from illegal arrest rather than her secret lifestyle because his career, marriage and ultimately his own life are at stake." I will go through the rest of your pitch at later date but very briefly do not start your overview with "Drawing from...…." It is your work, unique and nothing they have seen before. Catch up later.
Thank you Debbie.
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I read the synopsis a few times and I'm a little confused by a few parts.
The nutshell movies are too old. They should be recent movies or don't mention them. Not everyone has seen the Firm or the Verdict.
Loglines should be: Who, What, Rising Action. Your logline seems backwards based on the summary. He takes the case and later feels like his life and marriage are in danger.
Summary: there are too many threads. We just need to know about Jack and his problems. Why him and why this story. Why are we rooting for him.
This is the confusing part... Ron kills someone, and then later sues the city when his wife kills herself after being embarrassed in a raid - that seems odd. Obviously, Jack doesn't know about that at the time he takes the case, but it just seems odd as a setup. It's confusing that Jack takes his wife to the club. And I'm not sure why this is a case and why Jack has to take it. Assuming there's a legit case, wouldn't it make more sense for Nancy to take it since she's a member there?
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Hi Steve this just my two cents on your “Overview”. I would put brief Synopsis. “The Ecstasy is a crime thriller where a young lawyer finds his own life in jeopardy along with his marriage, whilst investigating an illegal raid in an exclusive Miami club. He has to find the real reason behind a teacher’s suicide, as he battles with high end corruption, in order to prove her alternative lifestyle was not cause of death.” I will answer word for word on your mini theme later date.
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I agree with @Christopher about not mentioning the other films. You know them but script reader might not. I need to study the rest of your mini theme word by word, when I have not been working all day. Christopher mentioned there were some things he did not get, which is also what I felt very first read, that it sounded Neo Noir. In Noir there are purposely put “cheese holes” and “Enigmas purposely bored into script”. However “Questions raised” in this manner, need execution of answers so reader suspends any disbelief in story. Enough seeds need planting preemptive to any final reveal. This is what I need to explore when I have time for in depth study your input so far. Catch up later!
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I read it twice and I'm still confused.
One major issue I had is the names sound and begin with the same letter. Ron, Ramone, Angela, Anna. Confusing for a Reader.
The first two paragraphs of the summary is too confusing. Characters kill or die but that’s the subplot; the main plot is some bored lawyer suing a sex club?
Maybe hire a script consultant to read and write a synopsis and then fine tuned for a pitch.
Thank you I appreciate the help.