Writers! Give me some feedback on the intro below for "Hack Shackleton" ...
Too Cutesy-Poo or Has Good Flavor or anything in between?
INT. MODERNIST LOBBY - MORNING
Mimi glides quick and aloof to the elevator.
INT. COMPUTER LAB - MORNING
SCIENTISTS, 30s, grind algorithms in a high-tech hub.
Mimi transits the cube farm to a conference room.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
She drapes her fluffy coat on a chair. Arranges coffee mugs.
Frowns, glares and lunges at a whiteboard cluttered with
science notes, frenetically she erases the text.
Polishes the board clean with a paper towel, smiles.
Relaxes and nibbles donut, brushes crumbs from classic tartan
lapels of her Burberry cashmere suit.
HACK SHACKLETON, 44, lumbers in, scouts a seat at the table
some distance away.
Hot mix of blob, knob, slob, snob and yob, he's an aging Aussie who'd love to be
living it up back down under.
HACK
Aw, Mimi, couldn’t get yourself
put together this morning? Should
we call you princess? it's that one-line rhyming description of Hack that I want to know how it strikes the reader?
Thanks !!!
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Hey Daniel, I dunno...reading Hack's description slowed me down in the flow. Maybe something simpler to give a quick image, and later on pile on the layers. Far be it for me to say as many here would agree I should not be giving advice. But, that's my two cents.
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OK, I get why it grabs you and as a stand-alone, it is great. However, for me it broke the flow. You had a very cool and breezy tone till then and I was into it., but the blob-knob etc. jolted me out of the good vibe.
I would also cut "Should we call you princess?" Not necessary. Given the description of Mimi's get-up, the sarcasm is clear and works nicely. Adding the princess comment detracts.
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Daniel Stuelpnagel I like "mix of blob, knob, slob, snob and yob." It gets his personality and appearance across quickly. I would change "Hot mix" to "A mix" though.
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Fantastic, I really appreciate the immediate feedback especially as there's pretty clear agreement on that unnecessary hindrance to the flow of the read, that gives me a good note of some very granular simple dynamics there in my attempt at a cutesy character description I couldn't resist LOL
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Maurice Vaughan ... or a 'hot mess' which is the usual expression.
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Daniel Stuelpnagel As the saying goes, "gotta kill your babies" :P
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I like a "hot mess," Christiane Lange.
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Maurice Vaughan ... and could simply be 'a hot mess of contradictions.'
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Daniel Stuelpnagel could use "contradictions," Christiane Lange, but I think "blob, knob, slob, snob, and yob" paints a better picture of his personality and appearance. He's blob (large, overweight), slob (lazy, messy), snob (snobby), and yob (rude, noisy, and aggressive young person).
I think he could remove "knob" though since it's similar to "blob."
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Maurice Vaughan thank you!! you are awesome for deconstructing that, I did have fun with it, thankfully I am working in comedy here lol ...
and "knob" has a special source from Canadian comedy movies like "Strange Brew" / Great White North / Bob and Doug McKenzie material (way old stuff from the previous millennium haha)
that carries a phallic connotation (gear-shift knob = helmet),
while blob is 'chubby' exactly what you hit upon there.
So yes it's cutesy and kitschy and yet I love that Maurice caught the drift of how it was intended, it just goes to show, "keep pitching until you get the note you want!!"
You're welcome, Daniel Stuelpnagel. Ok, I see. "Blob" and "knob" are different. I'd keep both then.
Yeah, keep pitching and keep sharing. Sometimes I don't catch story issues until I pitch a script or share a scene/page in a script.