Hello! I really struggle with Log lines. So I have two and wanted to get your opinion, if you have time. The script is titled "Billie", but it's a working title. Thanks!
Set in a small fishing town, a devoted cop’s widow must navigate a web of deception and doubt to prove his innocence after being wrongfully accused of a serious crime.
Or---
After her husband, a dedicated police officer, is murdered, a determined widow ventures into the heart of a quaint fishing town to unravel the truth behind his death, only to discover a tangled web of deceit and corruption involving the local fishermen, forcing her to confront the dark underbelly of the community she once trusted.
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Your second logline is more interesting, Christine Capone, but it's really long. Here's a logline suggestion: “After her police husband is murdered, a determined widow returns to her hometown to unravel the truth behind his death, only to discover a web of deceit and corruption involving local fishermen that threatens her life."
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Thanks Maurice, that works too!
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You're welcome, Christine Capone. You could save the other information for the synopsis and pitch if you like.
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That's true. I agree that it's a bit long.
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I agree with Maurice, the second one is more interesting, but also long. Side note: The script sounds very exciting!
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A lady with sharp elbows eh?
A determined widow in a quaint community, asking about the murder of her police officer husband, gets entangled in fishermen’s web of deceit.
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The second log line packs more punch and some terrific suggestions by the community here. Christine Capone, I highly recommend Christopher Lockhart's Stage 32 webinar on loglines - he's one of the best in the industry. Here's a link so you can check it out: https://www.stage32.com/education?p=8944932978995
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what’s Bille about? what is a role in life?
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I guess so Wal Firman. She's former military so this gives her a bit of drive.
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Lisa, thanks!
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I think so too Sam. I might shorten it a bit. I will check out that webinar too. Thank you!
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Christine Capone Since this is really her story that we are following, is there a word or two to describe her besides being a widow?
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I think I like the second one better it sounds catchy.
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Hi Christopher, I thought of mentioning that she is former military which might help understand why she goes about finding his killer. I might be able to work it in but I can also leave it for the synopsis. Not sure yet.
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I agree with Christopher Phillips, Christine Capone. Since you mentioned that her husband was killed, we know she's a widow. Maybe something like: "After her police husband is murdered, a determined ex-soldier returns to her hometown to unravel the truth behind his death, only to discover a web of deceit and corruption involving local fishermen that threatens her life.""
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So, I think the most important thing a logline needs to accomplish is to make us care enough to want to watch/read the film/series. So the question, "Why do we care?" has to be answered somewhere in those very few words.
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Christine Capone That makes more sense. I would add that somehow that gives the reader a flavor of what to expect - sleuthing vs. guns and knuckles. An Army vet returns home to her investigate the murder of her small town police officer husband and finds herself in the deep in underbelly of the corrupt fishing community.
To clear her husband's legacy, a widow must excoriate the corrupt fishing village that destroyed him.
The second one is good, but it became too generic once you hit the “ …forcing her to confront the dark underbelly of the community she once trusted.”