There are some SUper interesting ideas here. I do, however, think that there are a couple of missing parts:

-We want a clearer idea as to who these employees are or, better yet, who THE protagonist is; some kind of adjective+noun combo that gives the audience the clearest possible idea as to who they are ("young FBI cadet", "insomniac office worker", "retired Old West gunslinger", etc). This helps us understand both who precisely we're rooting for, and why.

-What is the inciting incident that sets the entire piece off and running?

-We essentially see what the obstacle(s) is, but it would be helpful to get that much more specific with it. Also, what are the stakes? What is the "or else"? Audiences need to know both what the protagonists are trying to achieve throughout the journey of the piece, and what is at risk should they not achieve it.

I'm sending you a DM that might be able to help with all of this :)

Good start!

Thanks, Angela. Very helpful. My problem with this pilot pitch was not knowing whether to pitch the episode, with protagonist/antagonist, stakes and inciting incident (the latter not so important in TV) or the series outline - and I opted for the latter. Do you think this is a mistake?