Screenwriting : Errors/Mistakes by Vanshdeep Singh

"...people lying..."

Avoid 'light lights'.

...and natural light brightens...

...sunlight streams into...

professional hobbyist here! First impression, the page looks dense for my taste. More "white space" on the real estate page.

Some sentences can be shorten; your first sentence, "Every corner of the house is MODERN and SLEEK." I'd write, "Modern. Sleek."

Maybe delete words, "and", "there are", "This is..." Some readers hate "orphan" sentences. You have two orphans on this one page.

Arthur Paxton is identified as "MR. PAXTON" in character margin. Is he the Main Character? if he is MC, it feels weird to ID him as, "Mr. Paxton."

I would also keep a conscious score on character parentheticals. You have two on this one page.

More white space, learn to write tight.

Just a try:

INT. PENTHOUSE SUITE - SAME

Modern. Sleek. Abstract art and sculptures located all over the suite.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM

It’s dim. So BIG, it feels EMTY.

As Shades rise, natural light shines on a photograph that portrays a child and his mother in the forest.

A beat, and (we) shift focus to (--)

A BUNCH OF PEOPLE

who lie under the sheets of a King-sized bed.

The digital clock at the bedside turns “8:00 AM”: the ALARM BUZZES.

Two feet come down from the bed. Walk to the end of the carpet. A wooden floor-panel slides open, and from under rises a pair of spa slippers into which the feet slide.

PAN UP to reveal ARTHUR PAXTON, late-forties, as good looking as his hundred fifty dollar Versage boxers.

AMBIO

(the house’ A.I.)

Good morning, Mr. Paxton.

Two robotic arms descent from the ceiling carrying a gown. One of the arms taps Mr. Paxton’s shoulder.

He raises his arms and the robotic arms slide on the gown from behind.

MR. PAXTON

(yawning)

Good morning, Ambino. What time is it?

AMBIO

It’s 8 AM, sir.

Get rid of the (wrylies) and let the actors act. Sleepiness and anxiety should already have been established in subtext and/or action visuals before dialogue occurs.

Looks good! How old is Arthur? What's he look like?

Don't cap random words - MODERN, SLEEK, BIG, EMPTY. It serves no purpose.

Lying not laying, they're not chickens.

I hate the inclusion of camera directions, particularly if you can describe what we see without using them. CLOSE ON, HOLD ON, CAMERA PANS UP.

AMBIO's voice should be formatted as (V.O.).

You don't need the parentheticals.

I would follow Rutger’s lead, rugs etc. Too much description doesn’t let the reader imagine. Letting them imagine puts it in their minds eye.

If you have watched “Lethal Weapon” the house where the girls are packing Cocaine was described as “A chrome and glass mansion, a great place to have sex in”. Not saying you show copy Shane Black, it was a different era. But you understood it was a party house.

Thanks a lot Jack, Pierre and Craig. Actually I read Wall-E script before I started writing this. Wall-E script had camera directions and very precise description of locations and the setting so I tried to include all of that in this script. :)

He is in his late forties Jack.

Thanks A.S.Templeton for bringing this up. I've heard this countless number of times that we should not direct the actors too much and let them do their job (and I totally agree). But is it the same in animated films as well?

Hi Vanshdeep. Seconding @Pierre on the hold and pan. (Although I do the same in my early drafts! Then save for later in case I'll direct it ha.) I'd intro the AI before it speaks, and describe the quality of the voice. Something like 'The automated, (insert description here) male/female voice of AMBIO -- the house's personal A.I -- greets Arthur over the house SPEAKERS.

Instead of the (parentheticals) for 'automated voice', I'd look up and consider using the use of 'V.O.' or 'O.S' depending on whether Ambio is physically 'there' in most scenes. Or not - check out the script for 'Her' where the voice of Samantha doesn't use these...wishing you well with it :)

Vanshdeep Singh From what i know about Screenplays for Animation, there are more descriptions than usual, because what is not described in the script, won´t be in the movie- meaning: it won´t be animated. In this case you don´t take anything away from an actor because there are Animators making your characters doing, what you are describing in your screenplay. But: i´d shorten the sentences and give it more white space. Rutger Oosterhoff gave a good example how to.

A problem is how do you say PAN UP in non-technical words. Would love to know that. Could be very useful. I feel Vandeep's PAN UP from slippers to (for instance) MEDIUM SHOT (or wider) nice in this case. It has a purpose.

I have never written animation so it could be fully of that stuff. If it worked in Wall-E do it.

Thank You so much everyone for the suggestions and tips. I'll take care of the "white space" problem. Rutger Oosterhoff, your example is amazing (wish I could write like that someday). I'll also limit my use of parentheticals as Pierre and Jessica mentioned.

I write scripts for animation too, and what I find very usefull is reading mute scripts, like Wall-e. Speaking of it, I found a page with tns of scripts, here is the link for the Wall-e Script.

https://www.scriptslug.com/script/wall-e-2008

Hope you find this helpfull. :D

VanshdeepI am sure you're a much better writer than I am. It's easy to correct what is aleady written" It's Hell - from scratch- to write somthing good myself. I just know a few rules that - for me -feel like tricks.

We're just talking tips. Don't let them f up your own unique writing style too much. Absorb what you can absorb, then make choices you feel fit. Best, Rutger

Vanshdeep. SAME is used in a scene heading when the action happens at the same time as the previous scene. Since there is no action in this scene you should have DAY instead of SAME. Same as CONTINUOUS because there is no action in the previous scene so just write INT. MASTER BEDROOM Since you already establish it is a DAY shoot and it is an interior shoot in your master scene heading you could even leave off INT if you want. Also if nothing in that first scene on page 2 why is it even there. If nothing happens in a scene you don't need it to be there.

Thanks Dan for pointing that out :)