Screenwriting : Feedback and Guidance on my Logline by Adam Harper

I can picture it. Sounds good.

Maybe only focus on her.

A kidnapped granny can’t threaten her son enough to pay the ransom, so she teaches him manners by teaming up with her captors for a cut of the money.

Kinda similar to Wal’s with the whole teaching manners thing, but here’s my suggestion: After denying their loan, a desperate couple kidnaps a greedy banker’s old mother. When he refuse to pay the ransom, the mother makes a deal with the couple to teach him a lesson.

I do like your logline, though. It’s a bit beefy, but I get the story. Good luck!

My comment got a little garbled after posting it seems, but you get the point!

Hi Adam Harper - it feels like it's missing some stakes. Those lie in the question: what will happen if she fails at her goal of paying the ransom?

Here's a great formula I resort to:

“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

Thank you everyone. Some real useful things to consider for me. Wal, good point about focusing on character - I've tried to balance it between 3 main parties but, it's most definitely the Granny's story so will try nudge the logline in that direction for sure.

Leonardo, thank you, I always tend to start with a stencil like the one you've shared. I think because I have 3 different characters all after similar things and all going through their personal arcs I find myself trying to fit them all into the logline. Will have a re-think, using your formula with focus on the sole protagonist I wind up with something like the below:

After being kidnapped by disgruntled customers of her estranged, banker son, a cantankerous Granny conspires to get the ransom money for herself in order to teach her son a lesson

How about this logline, Adam Harper: "After a feisty granny gets kidnapped by a desperate couple and her banker son refuses to pay the ransom, the granny teams up with her captors to teach him a lesson by robbing him."

You're very welcome Adam Harper. This latest one is a great start. The only thing it's missing is the stakes. It could also be shortened. "After being kidnapped by disgruntled customers, a cantankerous granny conspires to get the ransom money for herself before... (stakes).

Hi Adam. It feels like something is missing. The couple is taking a hell of risk committing kidnapping and demanding a ransom because they were denied a loan. That's likely not enough to drive a protagonist couple (even anti-hero) to a life on the lam or in prison; so what I think I'm stuck on is what was the loan intended for that drives them to this extreme when the loan is denied (instead applying elsewhere for a loan, start a go-fund-me, etc...). Cheers :-)

Matthew - the couple are crooked and trying to set their life straight but, to set up their business venture, they need money. The banker is a 'bad credit' style banker and their last 'clean' option. So, when they're rejected (and not in a nice way) they decide to carry out one last crime against the banker in order to start afresh - so, kind of a Robin Hood, steal from the rich to help the poor scenario.

I suppose I need to make clear the couple are already corrupt.

Latest re-work:

A feisty granny is kidnapped by two crooks who’re rejected a loan by granny’s estranged banker son. When the son refuses to pay the ransom, the granny conspires to get the money for herself before the ransom deadline expires.

Hi Adam. I'm gonna play devil's advocate and pull the old protag-switch-a-roo: Facing the foreclosure of her family home, a feisty, foul-mouthed grandma enlists two former mobsters to help fake her own kidnapping to demand a ransom from her estranged son - a money-laundering banker for the mob who refuses to pay his own grandmother's ransom. Not great, I know, but just thinking outside the box for other ways to spin the story. Write on!

""A feisty granny is kidnapped by two crooks who’re rejected a loan by granny’s estranged banker son." I don't think you need to go into detail about why the couple kidnaps the granny, Adam Harper. I think you should save that for the synopsis and pitch.

"A feisty granny is kidnapped by two crooks who’re rejected a loan by granny’s estranged banker son. When the son refuses to pay the ransom, the granny conspires to get the money for herself before the ransom deadline expires." What money is she gonna take if her son refuses to pay the ransom?

It would be great to fit the stakes in the logline like Leonardo Ramirez mentioned.

Matthew Kelcourse thats an interesting take. It doesn’t fit with the protagonist I have in mind but it’s another interesting take. I should definitely try switching ideas up more often

@Maurice that’s a really good point about removing motivation for the kidnapping from the logline - I’ll definitely do that and save some valuable wordage!

The money does become available from the son eventually - after he is essentially traumatised to the point of change by his mother (granny), not knowing she is behind it. Will try to think of how to word the logline so that it doesn’t create those kinds of questions… hmm

Thank you so much for helping and commenting

Adam Harper, this sounds like a really great premise. I think the logline is great. You can shore it up once you've written the script, but this very succinctly tells us what the premise of the story is. Now stop worrying and start vomiting! :-)

We don't see the thrill part... perhaps credible granny is an ex-marine, out of commission assassin, or a serial killer that got away; and they're getting more than they bargained for! Perhaps, you have something already written on granny's thrilling or horrifying past to plug into the logline. If not, maybe more character building in the script is needed.

Thanks for sharing... I come from poetry, brevity being the soul of wit and all... Then I must say: I am an unsold, unestablished screenwriter, so take or leave my version:

Their loan application rejected, a desperate couple kidnaps the banker's feisty grandma for a ransom. When the banker refuses to pay, granny teams up with her captors to get her cut of the money.

Bill Watkins, this is a good logline, but it makes the captors the main character. He's telling the story from the Granny's POV.

Thank you everyone, @Pidge the granny is more the resourceful type, she's a hard-ass and not afraid to hurt people as she's done throughout life but not through traditional methods I guess, she's still a vulnerable old lady at the end of the day

@Bill Maureen is right that the Granny is very much front and centre but your logline reads well. Poetry experience will definitely put you in good stead with loglines!

Maureen Mahon I shall get vomiting right away!

A feisty granny teams up for a slice of the ransom with her own kidnappers who were rejected by her estranged son who rejected them for a bank loan.

You're welcome, Adam Harper.

After their loan application gets denied by a cruel banker, a desperate couple kidnap the banker's estranged yet feisty granny, but when he refuses to pay the ransom, granny teams up with her captors, in exchange for her own cut.