Anything Goes : What do ACTORS most hate to hear on the set? by Brynn Baron

Three years ago, someone posted the question to filmmakers - "what do you most hate to hear from actors on a set?" It was a very popular thread, full of venting and dumping on actors about everything from not knowing their lines and asking when lunch was (actors, really, just don't ask that question regardless of the fact that it's five and "lunch" hasn't been called), to having the unmitigated gaul to ask to look at a take on the monitor. It was a fun thread, with the overall message that most actors are stupid and should keep quiet. I work on both sides of the camera, but since complaints about actors are amply represented in that thread, I'll put on my actor's hat to do a little venting of my own, using just one big-budget shooting experience from years ago. I love filmmakers. I am one. But here are a few things that bother me on set as an actor... Does nobody get a little irked about Teamsters standing around offering opinions of your work? Or what about the extra player right next to a principle offering unsolicited remarks between takes about how they think the actor did, breaking concentration between takes? Here's what else I hate to hear on a set: "I know you're exhausted from travel and got no sleep whatsoever, and we really appreciate that, but can you give us a break on turnaround and fudge the time?" OR "Leave your arrival and departure time blank on the sign-in sheet. I will fill it in later." OR "Thanks so much for being so emotionally connected and brilliant - but we didn't get it because the battery ran out/boom was in the shot/someone was talking in the background." OR "The AD said that compared to the star, you're too pretty - go back to the make-up truck because we have to ugly you up." Then while you're being frantically labored over by make-up artists to rearrange your face with shadows where the highlights should be, joking loudly that "you'll never work again after we're done with you, ha ha" ...the PA who sent you there in the first place arrives to say "Where the hell have you been??? and sends you to your trailer to await further instructions. 'Don't go anywhere. Just stay here." Three mind-numbing hours later, you've been waiting in an uncertain state of emotional readiness in the dirty trailer that smells like bleach, wondering just how ugly Glenne Headly thinks you need to be to act beside her. You wonder if maybe it was the conversation you had with her about working at Steppenwolf Theatre and you innocently asked what it was like to work with John Malkovich. You are told later that that was the LAST thing you should have brought up...you are officially a stupid actor now, she hates you and that's why you look like Quasimodo to the point where you will never be able to use this footage on your reel ... so you study your lines for the umpteenth time. Then the PA bangs on your trailer door. "What are you doing here??? They need you on set! " Upon arrival the director screams "Where the hell have you been - we've been waiting on you for twenty minutes!!!!" All the actor should do is smile brightly and apologize. You are told that the script has changed and you will be ad-libbing. You are a pro and of course you can ad-lib. Oh, but it turns out that one of the adorable twin toddlers you were working with yesterday is traumatized to be on set today because the director decided it was a good idea to get the crying shots first and the happy shots later in the day - when he was crying and hungry and needed a nap. "That baby's too happy right now," the director had said. "Dad, can you get him to cry?" As a parent you know this is an idiotic thing to do, because everybody knows you don't make a happy baby cry if you need him to be happy later, and you meekly tried to say something, but you gave up because you're not the director. So the happy shot got pushed back to today. And today the adorable toddler is afraid of you because he associates you with trauma inflicted upon him yesterday. No problem - just use the twin, the AD says. You mean that twin you just saw in make up where they were applying grease paint to an open wound because his parents dropped him on his head into the gravel getting out of the car? You pleaded with the make up people to just sanitize it and put a bandaid on it instead, but the make up people wouldn't listen - you are just an actor. "That didn't seem to be working out", you try to tell them back on set, but no one listens. Another hour goes by. Turns out, they have to bring the first traumatized twin back in anyway because the head gash on the other twin is leaking blood and it shows on camera and he's crying too. Then the star/producer strides in. God has arrived. He announces that everything on set needs to be flipped so he can stage the scene differently. He wants to set the baby on top of the piano (where, dangerously unsupported, he WILL fall) - so he can sing to it as he plays piano. And he wants the traumatized baby to laugh and clap his hands. Director gulps and says "Yes sir Mr. D_______, anything you say!" While we're waiting, Mr. D wants to know if you know the words to Chantilly Lace. "You don't know the words to Chantilly Lace? Why not??? Everybody knows the words to "Chantilly Lace'!" Telling him it was way before your time is not an option (you also keep your mouth shut about the time a year or so earlier you were waiting in line at the studio commissary for the last Chinese chicken salad and Mr. D himself cut line behind you to take it, because today he is gracious and is giving you a chance to pad your part, and besides, you have entirely forgiven him for shorting you on a tip at Hampton's Restaurant two years earlier because he was upset during lunch with his agent). No problem - you have two hours as they reset the lights to learn the words to "Chantilly Lace" - but this is before smartphones and the internet and no one else knows the words either - all you know is that it starts "Hellllo, baby! Chantilly lace and a hank of hair, fallen' down... on her....face?" Everyone can only hum after that. Besides, you have to try to get the poor baby who thought you were hilarious yesterday to stop crying before the take. The set and lighting are finally ready. The toddler has been waiting hours for a nap and to be fed more than crackers, and all 30 pounds of him is now squirming in your arms, frantic and screaming for his real mom. You weakly joke to the parents that at least he'll be able to put some money away for college after today. They stammer and stare. "He's only making fifty dollars for the whole day." This is at hour nine of the day. ... Take 12. You've got the baby laughing through his tears now, but it's still no use. So you hear - "We're out of time. Moving on. The scene is cut. You're released." It's long after midnight. You are now in golden overtime. Before changing for home, you truthfully put in the actual hours you have been on set since before dawn of the day before. The line producer curses at you. "I told you not to fking fill in that fking time column. Great. Now I have to white it out." So much for being nice earlier about turnaround. No matter how well-behaved an actor is on set, sometimes it just doesn't matter. Oh, but one more pet peeve. On every set - DP's look at the monitor in replay to see if the shot came out right. The director looks at the monitor to see if he's got it right. The focus puller looks at the monitor not because he's insecure or bad at his job but to see if it came out as intended. Make up looks at the monitor not because they are insecure about their skills but to see if it's reading the way they want it to. Any crew member at all looks at playback in the monitor. PA's and Teamsters with their mouths full of M&M's stand in front of you as you try to look at the monitor. As an experienced actor, you have taken YEARS of video classes to refine your skills as an actor and to learn to see your performance objectively in order to make minute artistic adjustments. Many actors truly benefit from looking at the monitor as they try to peek over the best boy's shoulder blocking their view. You don't take extra time to request to look at the take - that would be unprofessional. But if an actor gets caught peeking, all hell breaks loose. Someone who has never taken an acting class in their life tattles. "Oh my gawd, the actor is looking at his take!" After three takes and the director is not managing to get his point across ("Can you be crunchier?") you can save him five takes from a quick look at a previous take. But somehow - regardless of the individual, it's "common knowledge" that actors ALWAYS ruin their performances from looking at the monitor - because WE ARE ALL ALIKE. We are all just stupid narcissists. Seriously, the actor is the only one on set expected to work blind. Unlike any other crew member crowding around the monitor, we should be able to "feel" it and trust the director not to let us look like an ass when he asks us to "be more intense" or "more likeable" or "sexier" or "monotone" or any other unplayable attitude other than an actionable verb. Looking at the monitor will make us "insecure," as if everything else about the day hasn't already. Shrug. So just smile, be positive and keep your mouth shut. To this day when I cash my occasional 13-cent residual check for "Mr. Holland's Opus" I regret not advocating more strongly for those poor children. I regret not trying to reason with Mr. D about flipping the set around, or about not letting him know about his evil line producer or for that matter his terrible reputation with wait staff all over Los Angeles. I regret keeping my mouth shut. I'm a good actor. I love the acting itself. But now I write :-).