Hi everyone! I’m working on a psychological thriller / romantic drama called Mirrors of the Mind and would love some feedback. I’ve included my logline and a short excerpt from the story. I’d be curious to hear your thoughts on the tension, mood, and character voice.
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Logline:
When a passionate romance with a mysterious man begins to fracture into moments of tenderness and disturbing cruelty, a young ballerina is pulled into a psychological game of love, identity, and manipulation that threatens to destroy her mind.
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Excerpt:
Fragment 1
Three days.
Three days since I last saw the boy from that night. We exchanged only a few words, but it felt like he knew I didn’t need them. I only needed his presence. Someone to sit beside me in silence, to hear my thoughts without making me feel alone. So I wouldn’t completely lose myself.
Fragment 2
I entered the ballet studio again, convinced I was feeling a little better. But something was different.
The air felt heavier, the scent of dust and wood stronger.
I set the box on the floor and approached the mirror, feeling the silence grow too quiet.
I lifted my gaze — and for a moment, I thought something moved behind me.
I spun around abruptly. Nothing. Only the trembling light on the floor.
I told myself it was just fatigue… but my heart knew otherwise.
Fragment 3
I feel watched again. It’s as if all my thoughts have turned into people, and they’re staring at me with sharp eyes.
I hear a door. Footsteps.
And then I see him.
Elias.
Leaning against the door, one hand in his pocket. His hair falls rebelliously, eyes shining brighter than usual.
Leather jacket, slightly loose jeans, white shirt.
But his gaze… it frightens me.
There’s something different.
Intense, sharp, like a whispered promise.
His smile plays dangerously at the corner of his lips, as if he knows exactly what I feel.
— Elias, what brings you here? — I ask, trying to control my voice.
Silence. He steps closer. His footsteps strike the air.
I feel the distance between us vanish, and suddenly, his lips touch mine.
It’s unexpected, fast, almost brutal. I freeze.
I don’t react. I don’t pull away. I just stay there, caught between awe and a strange sensation.
The smile deepens — and then I feel it — the bite. Short, precise, painful.
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I’d really appreciate any thoughts or feedback you have! Thank you!
2 people like this
That first one (porta-potty shake down) is really funny, and something that would also work great in a LucasArts style adventure game. I think that the last one (drive-thu) might not work so well thou...
Expand commentThat first one (porta-potty shake down) is really funny, and something that would also work great in a LucasArts style adventure game. I think that the last one (drive-thu) might not work so well though. How would the customers learn about the code in such a short time, and wouldn't the son want to keep his addiction a secret, and thus be willing to aid the group renting the apartment?
2 people like this
Thanks for that Patrik Gyltefors! I appreciate the feedback. One thing I may not have explained clearly in the post is that the friend selling through the drive-thru already works at that fast-food re...
Expand commentThanks for that Patrik Gyltefors! I appreciate the feedback. One thing I may not have explained clearly in the post is that the friend selling through the drive-thru already works at that fast-food restaurant and has been secretly doing it for a while. He’s more of a side character connected to the group rather than one of the main guys in the montage. One of the friends from the main group goes there looking for help, meets him during his shift, and asks if he can assist for the day, and starts training at the low-paying job. While they’re working together, he ends up helping him sell through the drive-thru and keeps a small amount for himself.
The landlord ends up catching his son with the drugs and pressures him to tell where he got them. When the son explains it was through the drive-thru and describes who sold it to him, the landlord is able to identify the friend working there. That’s what ultimately exposes the whole situation and leads to the group getting kicked out, even though they finally managed to get the rent money together.
Curious what you think about that version of it, does it make the scene work better in your opinion, or do you think the final beat still needs tightening or maybe even replacing with something more original?
2 people like this
Dwayne Williams 2, yes, that makes it work better. Is this the final scene of the film, or will they eventually manage to get their apartment back, and get revenge on the landlord? Also, is this an an...
Expand commentDwayne Williams 2, yes, that makes it work better. Is this the final scene of the film, or will they eventually manage to get their apartment back, and get revenge on the landlord? Also, is this an animated or live action film? Depending on the "rules" of the world you are building, that final beat might disrupt the suspension of disbelief.
1 person likes this
Glad to hear that, Patrik Gyltefors! This sequence is meant to serve as the intro to a live-action adventure comedy I’ve been thinking about, mainly to introduce the characters and show their personal...
Expand commentGlad to hear that, Patrik Gyltefors! This sequence is meant to serve as the intro to a live-action adventure comedy I’ve been thinking about, mainly to introduce the characters and show their personalities through the chaos of how they try to solve problems. Curious how you feel about it functioning as the opening to a feature?
1 person likes this
Dwayne Williams 2, I think that works great as an opening.