Screenwriting

You’ve got a cool concept here, but from a screenwriting perspective, there are a few structural weak spots that need addressing:

​Genre Mismatch: Calling the door "magic" works against the horror tone. "Magic" leans toward fantasy/fairytales and undercuts the terror and suspense you want to build.

​Plot Holes: There’s no logical explanation for why the creatures remained trapped until now, or why this portal exists in this specific neighborhood.

​Flat Characters: The characters currently serve as plot devices just moving the story forward. They lack internal flaws, personal trauma, or interpersonal conflict to make the audience care.

​Lack of World Rules: The script misses clear rules and boundaries—how the portal operates, what the monsters' vulnerabilities are, or what keeps them at bay.

​Weak Motivation: The emotional drive for the brother and the girl to risk their lives and step into that danger isn't clearly justified.

Jasurbek, thank you so much for the detailed feedback. I really appreciate you taking the time

Hi Sooraj! I came across your post about THE GUARD. The premise of a night watchman discovering a magical door that unleashes monsters has some intriguing possibilities.

I’m a dramaturg and script consultant, and I help writers develop story structure, character motivation, conflict, and the internal logic of their fictional worlds.

Since you’re starting the first draft, this could be a good stage to identify the key dramatic questions before they become difficult to fix later. If that would be useful, I’d be happy to tell you more about my approach to story development.

Hi Aleksei, thank you so much for reaching out and for your kind offer.

I really appreciate it. For now, I have a clear direction for THE GUARD and I know what I want to do with the story in this draft.

I'll definitely keep your consultancy in mind for a later stage if I need an outside perspective.

Thanks again!

Sooraj

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Got ya, might find your representative on here

Alfred Robert Johnson DM sent.

Seems like a fun one!

Okay, this sounds absolutely nuts, in the best possible way. A traveling circus that’s secretly run by the Knights Templar to guard the scattered pieces of a demon?! I have no idea where this story is going, but I definitely want to find out. It sounds like a ton of fun.

I’ve recently started working as a creative advisor to other writers and everyone has had a positive experience so far. I do a kind of creative diagnostic where I’m less interested in giving someone a pile of conventional script notes and more interested in figuring out what the work is trying to do and what’s actually getting in its way.

I’m doing a handful of these for free right now, no strings attached. I’m just trying to see if this is a career avenue that’s useful to others and if it’s worth pursuing. I’d genuinely love to read this one. If you’re still looking for readers ahead of October 16, I’d be interested in taking a look!

Hi Travis! I came across your post about THE DEVIL’S IN PIECES. The combination of a traveling circus and the Knights Templar guarding pieces of a demon sounds like a distinctive premise.

I’m a dramaturg and script consultant specializing in story development and script diagnostics. I help writers identify what is working in a screenplay, where the dramatic structure or character arcs could be strengthened, and which revisions are likely to have the greatest impact.

Since you’re working on the second draft, a focused diagnostic could help you prioritize revisions rather than trying to address everything at once. If you’re still looking for feedback, I’d be glad to explain how I work.

It's great. Obviously needs formatting and abridging, and dialogue sorted. Readers do not want to see huge blocks of text, - it suggests problems - they like white-space balance. One assumes it flashbacks, and we see all those nice people like the Hardware Store guy, the Principal, and the Best Friend, in the lead up to what happened. The idea definitely has legs.

Hi Michael Fitzer, Mfa Thankyou so much, I am actually a novel writer so I think my habit is adding loads of description, but I will try to improve this! David Taylor Hi David, thankyou for this. I will take note of your advice :)

Hi Shay Booth , this looks really good. I like that you have strong pacing in the action.

Hi! Kseniia Zhuravleva thankyou so much :)

Hi Shay! I came across your post about Idol and your goal of strengthening the screenplay before pitching it.

I work with writers on story structure, character motivation, conflict, and the effectiveness of individual scenes. My approach is to identify the main dramatic opportunities and give the writer a practical direction for revision.

If you're still developing Idol, I can share more about my script diagnostic process.

Thanks! I fixed it.

You're welcome, Alex Hastings. I sold four short scripts to a producer by posting them on my profile and networking. I hope you sell your script too! Happy Holidays!

Alex Hastings Congrats! It's always a big event to finish a project that you've been working on for six months, a year, or more. I've read synopsis. The combination of aliens and zombies feels fresh. I would have expected the film to be more tongue-in-cheek in the James Gunn vein, playing with genre, rather than a serious narrative in 2000's style. I would also mention about aliens in logline, if I were you.

where is it? I clicked on the link and it took me to your profile page but there wasn't any loglines or scripts

Hi Alex! Congratulations on completing your first feature screenplay.

Getting a full draft finished is a major step. I'm a dramaturg and script consultant, and I help writers assess story structure, character development, conflict, and opportunities for revision.

If you're still looking for professional feedback on The Resonance, I'd be glad to explain how I approach a script diagnostic.

For me, it's identifying the actual problem.

After receiving professional feedback on two of my screenplays, I realized that understanding what wasn't working was often harder than making the changes themselves.

A reader might say an opening isn't engaging enough or a character needs development, but that doesn't automatically tell you what's causing the problem.

That experience led me to develop tools to help myself become a better screenwriter. I wanted a way to step back, evaluate my own work, and identify what actually needed attention before jumping into another rewrite.

Those tools eventually became Northward Stone (northwardstone.com), a collection of free and paid self-assessment and revision resources that I'm now sharing with other writers facing the same challenges.

The philosophy is simple: the tools help identify where to look, but the writer discovers the answers and decides what to change.

I'm curious, Jeniffer: when you're evaluating a screenplay, what's the biggest sign that it needs a targeted revision rather than a complete rewrite?

Hi, thank you for this great topic!

I find that the most challenging part is knowing whether the pacing and tension really work after finishing the first draft. When you spend months on a script, you completely lose objectivity.

I just finished the first draft of my 72-page mid-length sci-fi disaster thriller called AIRBORNE MUTATION. My biggest challenge right now is getting outside eyes on the logline and synopsis to see if the core conflict—a bioengineer's rogue cure being sabotaged into a fatal virus—comes across clearly and builds enough tension for the audience.

Here is my logline:

In a metropolis choked by toxic smog, a desperate bioengineer deploys a rogue cure, only for a corrupt corporate executive to sabotage the launch and trigger a fatal airborne virus. When she is framed for eco-terrorism, her twin children must break into the quarantined facility to save the city—uncovering a massive conspiracy tied to their late father.

I'd love to know if a concept like this sounds convincing from the first read, or if I need to develop the emotional stakes even further during my revisions!

Nikola Hanušová, you're welcome! Thanks for sharing your logline. I think the concept has strong thriller potential, especially the idea of a cure being sabotaged into a fatal virus and the bioengineer being framed for the disaster. That immediately creates conflict and raises the stakes.

One thing I'd look at during revision is the connection between the bioengineer's predicament and her twins' decision to enter the quarantined facility. Their involvement could become the emotional heart of the story, so making their personal motivation and the consequences of their mission clear could strengthen both the tension and the audience's investment.

The conspiracy tied to their late father is also intriguing. I'd be interested to see how that revelation connects to the main conflict while keeping the immediate threat at the center of the story.

Overall, there's a compelling foundation here. Are you planning to refine the logline and synopsis first, or are you moving on to revising the screenplay itself?

Evan McDaniel, I agree that identifying the actual cause of a problem is often more important than simply knowing something isn't working. I usually look at whether the core story is working and whether the issues are limited to specific areas like pacing, character motivation, or structure. When the foundation is strong, targeted revisions can often make a real difference without losing what makes the story unique.

Hi Jeniffer,

Thank you so much for this insightful feedback! You pinpointed exactly what I want to focus on next. I really want the twins' emotional connection and their personal stakes to be the true heart of the story.

Right now, the script is written in Czech, so my immediate next step is finding a professional script editor and translator to help me translate the story into English and polish these character arcs during the revision.

Once the English script is ready, polishing the final logline and synopsis will be much easier. Thanks again for the encouragement, it means a lot!

Deborah Jennings I get the feeling the definitions are a little fluid depending on who you talk to, even in the industry.

Evelyn Carter I am definitely leaving room for ideas. Especially ways to take out unecessary elements and get the best bang for the buck out of humorous moments etc.

Pat Alexander Thank you Pat. It's hard. I am chronically looking for the ultimate right, even though the "right" is within, except for when I get notes that say that's wrong lol.

I know you are right Maria. But I hate it when I get a negative comment from one person and a glowing comment from another on the same material.

Great question, Maria — and 38 pages of development work is nothing to apologize for. The confusion is that 'outline' actually means three different documents, and most writers never get told which one the person across the table wants. Version one is the working outline: the messy 30-40 page beast you're describing, full of scene sketches, dialogue scraps, research notes. Keep it — that's your scaffolding, not your deliverable. Version two is the producer outline: an 8-12 page treatment-style document that reads in about 20 minutes — logline, a short character section, a one-to-three page synopsis, then a beat-by-beat scene list focused on story events and emotional stakes, written in readable present-tense prose rather than script format. This is almost always what someone means when they ask a writer for 'the outline.' Version three is the step outline for production: one scene per paragraph, mostly for directors and line producers once you're further down the road. The practical move: keep your 38 pages as your private development document, and carve a lean 8-12 page producer version out of it. Then, when anyone asks for an outline, you can simply say, 'I have both — the working outline and a shorter producer version — which would be more useful?' It signals professionalism, keeps your process intact, and no one has to guess what anyone means.

I understand your position. However, that's the way of this world and hating it makes it hard for you the writer. Acceptance, allows you to deal with it which makes it easier regardless of outcome. In order to move forward, I would change my focus.

I used to not like trying to describe any of my work in a two minute spiel. After practice with just people, ones who are interested in what I write but not necessarily in a position to option it, I've become better at it. It Cana be a learned skill and something important to master if you take the time.

Hi Rod,

I can relate to the concern you’re raising, especially the point about writers who may be shy, introverted, or less comfortable speaking on the spot. Some writers may express themselves far more effectively through their writing than in a short verbal pitch. That doesn’t mean their stories are any less compelling or that an audience wouldn’t connect with them.

If I could offer a suggestion, it would be to use that strength in writing to prepare a clear, personal explanation of why the screenplay deserves to be read. Identify its emotional core, what makes it meaningful, and what might make an audience want to experience it. Then practice delivering that message until it feels natural.

I recently shared a post exploring how writers might communicate what makes their stories worth discovering, and I thought it might connect with this discussion.

I believe pitching is a skill that can be developed, but it shouldn’t be mistaken for a measure of a writer’s storytelling ability.

Hi Ewan,

I agree with you that pitching is an important skill for writers to develop. Being able to communicate a story clearly and spark a producer’s curiosity can make a real difference in whether they want to read more.

At the same time, I don’t think a weak pitch necessarily means the screenplay itself is weak. Writing and pitching require different skills, and not everyone is naturally comfortable presenting their ideas verbally. With practice, though, writers can learn to communicate the heart of their stories more effectively.

I think the goal is to make someone curious enough to open the screenplay, while remembering that the writing itself deserves to be judged on its own merits.

This was great! Thank you

Mine is from a pilot, The Oncology Protocol. In the restroom, Elena straightens her wig in the mirror, then looks at her own scan on her phone. She reads it the way she would read anyone's, and there is nothing in it to argue with. The treatment is failing. She stands there a moment, steadies her breath, and walks into the exam room, where Marcus is waiting with his own scan on the screen. She studies it and sees the same story she just read about herself. When she tells him the treatment hasn't worked the way they hoped, he asks the questions every patient asks: how long, what's next, is there anything left to try. She hears each one. She has always had answers for them, but now she is searching for answers she hasn't found for herself, and her clinical voice carries the words while her mind stays back in the restroom. Marcus looks to her to be the doctor. In that moment she is also the patient, and she can't tell which of them she is trying to comfort.

Hi John,

Your story really caught my attention. What stood out to me most is the idea of a character who is actually innocent, but is placed in the position of being guilty because of circumstances and other people’s assumptions.

I’ve always been drawn to stories like this — stories where both the characters and the audience make judgments based on incomplete information, and then, as the truth is revealed, their understanding of what happened changes. The Hunt (2012) is another example that has always stayed with me because so much of its power comes from that kind of false judgment and perception. Of course, there are many stories built around similar ideas, but what I find fascinating is how differently each writer can choose to tell them.

While reading your description, I could actually visualize the scene for a few moments, especially the moment when the father tries to help the store owner, only to become the victim of the police officer’s mistaken perception.

Beyond the racism, which is clearly an important part of your story, I think the situation itself has a lot of emotional potential.

I genuinely hope you get the opportunity to make Loonacy one day. From what you’ve shared, it feels like a very human, painful, and emotionally powerful story, and I hope I get to see it come to life on screen someday.

Hellow creative army as Richard RB Botto says at his site . To be honest it's the only site I follow from those that come to my email. At first forgive me for my english because I am not a native speaker. The question here concerns what we believe to be our most powerful scene which is not always what the others think about it. I have not many choices since I just finished my first scenario(105 pages) at its most recent form and its title is "The Genius born on fool's day " and its a dramatized work of fiction about the life of the child prodigy William James Sidis. It consists of 18 scenes, and each one of them offers its own value to the escalation of the suspense. But imagining what the audience would take with it leaving the cinema I think is the one that contains the participation of William Sidis in the events of MayDay 1919 which of course is dramatized by me but not very far from the real events.The fact is that this scene is contained in a biger one called "the acceptance of the unpredictable". The fact that makes it exceptional is not only its historical dimension. I think it is its position in the setting of the scene. Its a flashback in a hotel room where the journalist who cheats Sidis to take an interview is making love with her lover while discussing different things about Sidis life and then her lover drives her to her husband . The fact that we have an interchange between hard and very libidinal scenes I think is its power. So the general conlusion according to my opinion is that a scene can be powerful in conection with its surounding scenes.

The questions you people pose on here...hah! Ok, here goes. Only two scenes come to mind, the first from a pilot and the second from a novel. The pilot script, originally titled "Id," featured a psychiatrist on the verge of a nervous breakdown trying to end his career on a golden note through applying his experimental confrontational method to an alleged murderer who has been remanded to psychiatric care to render him competent to stand trial. The accused is actually a victim of severe life-long neglect and abuse and a witness to the murder of his parents, which is revealed during the psychiatrist's botched attempt to make a breakthrough with the patient. Readers said the patient's utter helplessness and vulnerability, and the dread that the mentally frayed psychiatrist would do something horrible to him, got to them and kept them up for several nights. Some of them burst into tears. The novel, "Walker," features a spoken word artist. The performances are included in the story, and the greatest impact was not the spoken word piece, but the internal dialogue of the performer while trying to decompress backstage with another artist after the show. An audience member wanders backstage without permission and incites a negative response which becomes hyperbolic. Some readers said they were holding their breath all the way through it and that it was "soul-wrenching." I remember these scenes because the response to each was unintentionally evoked and a total surprise - learning curve moments as a writer.

A contractor in Southwest America realizes the facility he maintains actually houses children taken away from their parents...

David Lake First round's on you, David. Neat, never dilute JD.

Hi there, this is a very good question. I definitely have times when I go dry, but I’ve learned to just wait it out, because something always comes along, I have faith in that. The fallow periods are when I can go through older projects that could do with an update, or I work on some music, or get outdoors and enjoy the air and hopefully get some photos. Hah, I should mention spending time with the family too! Sometimes I have the opposite problem, where turning it off is the challenge, and I have to try mental tricks to stop myself thinking about writing when I’m trying to sleep. Writing for me is never a consistent flow, it’s all or nothing :-)

My creative cup is filled by music and cinema. I listen to a lot of Hans Zimmer and Mariza, two very different artists who inspire me in different ways. Zimmer fuels my imagination with epic emotions and cinematic energy, while Mariza's fado connects me to something deeply human and authentic.

I also love watching films from the 1990s. There was a certain magic in that era, before technology became the center of everything. Those movies relied on strong storytelling, memorable characters, and genuine emotion. As a writer, that's the kind of inspiration I constantly return to.

For me, creativity starts with feeling something, and music and film are what keep that spark alive.

I need music, films and books. Something happens with one or a combo of those and it's like an idea or a scene will come out of nowhere.

A good movie or just being outside in the woods.

Congratulations, everyone~

Congratulations on the requests!

I like these kind of updates. Congratulations everyone!