Introduce Yourself : Jean Blasiar by Jean Blasiar

Hey, welcome Jean! We do that all the time here. All you gotta do is post it! You'll get more than enough feedback. Welcome to S32!

I'm new to that as well. Great topic though!

Shawn, where do we post them? Is there a section here on the site or do we just post them in this comment section?

Jean, Here is one of mine: An heir to a contested fortune falls in love with an institutionalized girl who believes she actually holds the stars in the sky.

Post them here? OK, I'll start. I've had some critiques about this one. "A father/son team of investigators joins forces with a nutty wannabe actress, a handsome ladies (or otherwise) man, and an adventure loving, award winning, risk taking photographer to uncover clever but bogus fortune hunters."

This is fun. I think the challenge is to make them concise but exciting and inclusive, which requires more drafts than one would expect. Michael, I like it but it doesn't say where it's going. Should it? Maybe more excitement.

Jean, Good question. I don't know. Some of my screenwriter friends ripped it down to these bare essentials for me. I'm learning the whole process so I'm open to suggestions!

There are many formulas that work. This is the one I have found most effective for my brand: WHEN, inciting incident, A, specific pro tag, MUST, objective, OR ELSE, stakes….

Shawn, Good formula! Thanks!

Hey here is my 2 cents: "A father/son team of investigators joins forces with a nutty wannabe actress, a handsome ladies (or otherwise) man, and an adventure loving, award winning, risk taking photographer to uncover clever but bogus fortune hunters."
1. too many protagonists, narrow it down to what unites them all - e.g. "a motley crew of losers" - not that that describes your protags but that kind of thing
Is it an ensemble movie? Whose story is it - the father's, the son's, the photographers?? One person should be the lead. e.g. in Thelma and Louise, it's Thelma. In American Beauty, it's Lester
2. Also the photographer has way too many adjectives.
3. What exactly are "fortune hunters", not specific enough?
4. Why do they want to uncover these fortune hunters? Why is it so important to them? Are they trying to get the money for themselves so it is like It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World?

"An heir to a contested fortune falls in love with an institutionalized girl who believes she actually holds the stars in the sky."
1. Falling in love is not an action. You need an action or a dramatic situation of conflict and suspense.
You need a "he falls in love, BUT [insert problem here]", right now you only have half a concept in this logline.
2. What has his being an heir got to do with the institutionalized girl? Is he tempted to spend his inheritance on her wild dreams? If so, what else might be spend it on - his wife?
The stakes have to be high for the character.
3. She believes she holds the stars in the sky, what does this mean exactly
I'm not sure what your concept is, you might have it in your head but it's not communicated properly, perhaps you could shed some more light?

Dear Dave, great questions. I have to leave, but once in the car, thinking time. Thanks, Jean

Thanks Dave!

Yes, I just read this really interesting article about how to write log lines that get noticed for low and high concept screenplays: http://thebackstoryscreenwritingstaffing.wordpress.com/2015/01/02/high-c...

Thanks, Cynthia. So kind of you to share the article. Everyone who expressed an interest in this subject should read it and maybe comment.

Thanks Jean. Since reading it I revised all of my loglines. Didn't realise how important this truly is.