Screenwriting : Logline too plain? by Billy Dominick

I think the logline is too plain. Why is the mother struggling? What love has she found? How is the secret admirer helping her? And what are the stakes? These are the questions you have to ask yourself when writing a logline, and then put it on paper.

the secret admirer helps her rediscover love. The mother struggles with finding enough time in the day and covering the bills with her paychecks.

No hook at all. And a trilogy? That's never going to happen. Even if you write a hit film, other people usually write the sequels.

Sorry but that sounds like a made for TV movie at best. Try something like this: A single mother, struggling with two jobs and facing eviction, finds that she has a secret admirer who promises to help her fix her situation if she can discover his identity before thirty days have passed.

how about this: A secret admirer reaches for a single mother's heart while she trains the babysitter in basketball.

The initial log line brings to mind the back of a mills and boon paperback. It needs fleshing out, why should WE care? Add another layer, something with an "edge" .

this is my new idea for a log line: A secret admirer reaches for a waitress's heart as she trains the babysitter for the basketball team. @Debbie, I thought one might care to know the identity of the admirer or identify with a struggling mother. @Owen, the admirer is my own twist because so many romance movies involve the 2 leads meeting, falling in love, breaking up and coming back together where as in mine, you don't know who the 2nd lead is for most of the movie and the mother isn't looking for love.

When I meant HOW is the secret admirer helping her, I meant specifics. I'm assuming the secret admirer is doing something unique, so tell us the specifics. I honestly don't see the connection between the secret admirer and basketball. We need to know that. Like if she was fired from the WNBA, and she's teaching the babysitter, the secret admirer can be leaving her really good plays on her doorstep. I guess that would only work if she's dealing with the whole team, but you get my point. Something the secret admirer does has to connect to basketball. If it doesn't, then you shouldn't even add basketball in your logline.

@Jim Jackson, my story is about a single mother rediscovering love. Back in the day, she was a basketball champ so the babysitter asks for her help training for the basketball team. What did you think about the original simplistic log line?

@Jean how about these stakes from my current log line. Will the admirer capture her heart and will the babysitter make the team?

Like: A single mother rediscovers love while training her son's babysitter for the highschool basketball tryouts.

Tell us what the admirer has to do with basketball. She used to play, and is now couching a girl. Basketball seems to be an important part of the plot. The admirer has to know this, so what is he doing to push the plot forward? And what is your protag's goal? To find love? To play basketball again? To coach a real team? How is the secret admirer going to get her out of her troubles?

Na.

Have you written the screenplay or are you just speculating? Once you start writing, the log line may change as the story may take on a life of its own and move in a direction you haven't even thought of yet.

The screenplay was written last year and the log line definitely grew. Originally it was just that: A single mother rediscovers love with the help of a secret admirer. After writing a treatment for the movie, the log line has developed into A secret admirer reaches for a waitress’s heart as she trains the babysitter for the basketball team. As far as the secret admirer's connection to basketball, telling would give away the secret. The waitress has no goal except to get the babysitter on the ball team. The secret admirer's goal is to win the heart of the waitress. The babysitter's goal is to join the ball team.

Why is there no forbidden aspect to this storyline? A heartbroken (abandoned), ex-basketball star raising an impaired child rediscovers love when her son's moonstruck, barely legal, babysitter asks her to train him to get that college athletic scholarship. Is this too long?

seems a bit long. The forbidden aspect doesn't come out until late in the last act of the movie around the 80% mark.

Just my two cents: I don't see any real conflict or issue to resolve, which would make for a good log line. Having a secret admirer is not very exciting and since we're not vested emotionally in the characters it probably wouldn't generate much interest.

The best I could come up with: While helping her babysitter with basketball, a single mother soured on relationships discovers she has a secret admirer.

Why not come at it with a different angle. How about: "With the help of actor Danny Trejo, a hatchet wielding single mom rediscovers her blood lust, while fighting her way out of resort town surrounded by miniature dinosaurs yearning to eat her flesh."

Or if you want to go more conventional, try this one on for size. "While coaching her babysitter, a single mother struggling to pay her bills, reignites her passion for basketball and with the help of a secret admirer, ignites a passion of another kind." Oh snap!

Billy, the issue is - this is a situation, not a movie. Ideas for films have to be visual, compelling and cinematic. this idea is none of those. its just a situation - a woman teaches someone basketball as they date men. who cares? There's nothing special about it. No original hook. No conflict. No antagonist. Trilogy?? Its barely a lifetime movie. Look, the biggest mistake writers make is they write ideas that aren't movies. This isn't a movie. honestly, I'd move on to the next idea.

I liked your log line and would watch the film or three part series, whichever. It would give a ray of hope to all those struggling single mothers out there to know there's a bit of magic in the air - somewhere. Think your story would have a ready made market.

A secret admirer helps a mother rediscover love as she trains the babysitter for the basketball team.

as far as earlier comments, why would anyone be invested in a story about a woman falling for a businessman? Love stories are about love.

As far as the Danny Trejo-- Why not have Cheech Marin be the costar?

What happens to a struggling young mother who takes guidance from a mystery man she has never met to get out of her desperate situation. Gives a little suspense to the story Good Luck !

Her goal is implied, but who or what is antagonist, any stakes involved?

Danny Manus and the very survival of this idea.

Would this logline be too long? Three secret admirers help a struggling mom rediscover love as she prepares the babysitter for the highschool basketball tryouts.

Hi I've just seen the comment @Billy. Agree on the whole, but you would have to embellish these 2 points to draw someone in enough to "feel" the curiosity and pathos. The original was too "general" ....a considerable amount of the population are struggling single parents. It would need a deeper reason to make me feel her plight, enough to pick up the book or film. If I have time I will send you back a couple of ideas.

To me this longline doesn't really give me a clear picture of the characters or setting. I assume it's some sort of romance. I also have no idea what the act two fun and games will be. If the mother is a basketball star and this is crucial to the plot, then this needs to be clearly stated -- the concept of a female basketball star is a bit foreign to me. When struggling single mother and past Olympic basketball captain discovers her babysitter aspires to play for the NBA, she puts aside her true feelings for him to train his underdog team for his last chance to impress selectors at the big game.

thanks for everybody's comments. The struggling mother only has feeling for her son that she adores. She neither wants or has time for romance but that doesn't stop the secret admirers from trying.

Hope you can help on another one about two people falling in love but there parents try to pull them apart because one is rich while the other one is poor. Which would be the most captivating log line: (1) A motorcycle racer falls for a ballerina who doesn’t realize that her dad runs the mafia. (2) A racer falls for a ballerina despite explosive efforts to keep the rich and the poor apart.

You want your logline to really pop. Yours is a good start, but how about A desperate single mother has her life turned upside down by a secret admirer. A single mother, on the verge of throwing everything away, is brought back from the brink by the love of a secret admirer. Almost broken, a lonely woman has her life thrown into chaos by the love of a secret admirer. Keep writing them out until you find one you really like. (a character in a situation) + (strong action verb) + (the blocking force) Our logline was: A group of young conspiracy theorists fight a mysterious force and bring an entire town to the brink of destruction Check it out here: http://www.cinecoup.com/theories/

No offense but you're really not good at this log line thing. You don't seem to be able to capture the real excitement in the story. Here's one for your other project: A motorcyclist falls in love with a dancer and both their lives are turned upside-down when her father reveals that she's a mafia princess.

@Anthony So true, I can write what seems like a good story and a few people seem interested in the treatment but I can't nail it all into a good log line. her father never reveals that he is in the mafia. Only the audience knows this fact but never the daughter. The whole story was just about them falling in love with both of their parents being against it because of the financial differences. The mobster warns the ballerina that the poor racer only wants her money. The poor chef warns the racer that rich people always play games. Their worlds start to crumble when their fathers realize that they're in love. @Mike Tyrrell A mother trains the babysitter in basketball while being pursued by an unwanted secret admirer. An unwanted admirer pursues a waitress that's training the babysitter for the basketball team. A single mother brushes off a secret admirer that keeps pursuing her. A lonely woman helps the babysitter with basketball while being pursued by an unwanted admirer. A lonely woman trains the babysitter in basketball while purple roses crack her own heart open. Roses crack open a lonely woman's heart as she trains the babysitter for the basketball team. A secret admirer reaches for the heart of a waitress who doesn’t have time for such nonsense. An admirer secretly pursues a waitress just as she begins training the babysitter in basketball. A secret admirer pursues an uninterested waitress when she trains the babysitter in basketball. A secret admirer timidly romances an unresponsive waitress as she trains a boy in basketball. Secret admirers help a mom rediscover love as she trains the babysitter for the basketball tryouts. The single mother thinks romance is just a fairytale that pops in the novels that she reads. The woman is just dealing with life-- two jobs to support her son but not on the verge of breaking. Her son's babysitter pleads constantly for help in basketball. Red roses pop up early in the movie but it's not until she starts training the babysitter that her heart is cracked open by purple roses with poetry. Did the last one stick out okay? Secret admirer(s)==what happens when they come out and will the babysitter make the team?

How about : Secret admirers help a mom find romance as she preps the babysitter for the basketball tryouts. Secret admirers crack open a mother's heart while she preps the babysitter for the basketball tryouts. A secret admirer helps a mom rediscover love as she trains the babysitter for the basketball team. A secret admirer pursues a busy mom just as she trains the babysitter for the basketball tryouts. I think the last line might do it. Because you have the admirer who's situation is they're unwilling to step forward. Action is pursuing the mother. Blocking his goal is her busy schedule. Connecting the basketball is the fact that the pursuit happens just as the training begins. How am I doing @Mike and anyone else that would like to comment.

Heres a suggestion: Try rewriting the log line without basketball. The training of the kid in basketball is incidental. The real story is the secret admirer trying to get next to the waitress, unless the secret admirer is the kids father. Then that would change the log line completely.

According to some the logline should contain a compelling mental picture of the hero and antagonist, and describe the irony of the situation, all in one or two sentences.

Richard: Those "some" are typically correct. as I have said in this forum several times, you write a compelling logline to get somebody to read your synopsis. You write a compelling synopsis to get someone to read your script. You should try out several different log lines to see which one works the best. And don't be afraid to change them as needed.

Based on suggestions including Anthony's idea of dropping the basketball part. A secret admirer timidly pursues a mature mother who doesn't believe in romance. How's that? As far as Lisa's comments, I write what I like not what I know. I used train instead of coaching so as to not confuse the reader into believing that the mother was the basketball coach and yes she was a state champion. The father of her child was a wild man that is now on the run.

And to clarify the secret admirer, he is the babysitter that asks for her help because he has only been on the basketball team as their mascot. Not even the audience realizes he is the one until much later after a businessman confesses to being the one. The differences in sweet poetry by the admirer and the businessman's very juvenile poetry give it away.

The picture is getting clearer but I still don't see the real issue. What central problem is so big that it would compel someone to watch this movie? Basketball is still simply a vehicle to move the story forward. Is the businessman, married or conducting illegal business and will lead her life into ruin? Based on this new information I came up with this: A single mother finds that the man that she's dating is not all that he seems with the help of her secret admirer.

The business man just wants a piece of the waitress but her own sister encourages him to pursue her with romance. The babysitter repeatedly warns her that the businessman isn't the one. Not seeing any other option, the babysitter finally admits to being the one that sent roses with sweet poetry. The secret admirer helps her to believe in romance again since her abusive ex burned her so long ago.

I guess the goal would be for the admirer to win over the waitress. She would also be the obstacle since she doesn't believe in romance. As far as so big to watch, there are several people that would connect with a tale of a single parent finding love. Secret admirers are a mystery even if they're not out to destroy the world.

Love for loves sake. I can see that.

@Anthony Thanks for all of the encouraging comments. I think that I finally found a way to toss basketball back in so to speak: Let me know what you think. (1) A secret admirer pursues a busy mom that strives to get the babysitter on the basketball team. Goals: Secret admirer wants to win the mom's heart. Mom wants to get the babysitter on the team. Obstacles: Mom is too busy for such games. The babysitter's poor skills in basketball. With this particular log line, I see conflict because the admirer is after a busy mom and as pointed out by Owen earlier busy parents don't have time for games. Also, you have to wonder if she is so busy then why would she care about the babysitter's chances at the basketball team? There are so many love stories out there but it seems like the little things that set them apart from each other. My story brings basketball into it instead of just looking at whether the admirer can ever capture the heart of the mom. The admirer's poetry starts at the same time as the basketball coaching does. @Alle. So far, I only wrote the one story but I have plans for a trilogy with this couple. In the first one, she rediscovers the concept of love but shoves away the admirer when his identity is finally revealed almost at the end of the movie. In the second one, she has moved on to her new life but thoughts of him seep into her dreams. Finally the third one is about them preparing for their wedding while struggling with the aftermath of him being shot while on patrol.