I have been a writer for many years; novels, short stories, etc., but I have only started writing screenplays a little over a year ago. I have a feature and 3 shorts. I have placed in two competitions with my feature, but I'm told by many that my Logline is all screwed up. If anyone knows where to go for a a little help. Let me know. I have written 6 Loglines and don't seem to get it right. Here it is if anyone has time. After losing her arm during a fight with her husband, a beautiful island woman spends the next four years coping with her new life, and meeting a man she falls in love with; then her ex-husband gets out of prison only to stalk her.
Screenwriting : Hi I'm new and wanted to say hi and nice to meet you! by Judi A Blaze
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I can recommend you to post your loglines on loglines.it. It´s free and you will likely get a lot of advice from other people.
It starts off great! I find "coping with her new life" is vague: Does she have a prosthetic? What job / passion did she have that is now affected by the limb loss? What's it like for her to have one arm? On and on... And then it gets very muddled: Who's the new guy? Why is he into one armed ladies? And why does the first husband stalk her after he took her arm? Is he after the other arm? Is he lovelorn? Shouldn't she be the one plotting against him for his arm? It's got elements that sound promising, but you have to present in a way that is very specific to your voice and provides a sense of tone about how the material is handled. A logline should succinctly tell a company exec not just what the film is but why it would be a great film to watch thus compelling them to produce it. But I really like the opening premise and I want to know more about her so use the logline to that end.
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Whoa. I could never put all of that into a one line Logline. It is in my synopsis though. No prosthetic, lets her sleeve wave aimlessly in the breeze. Why does the man have to be into one-armed women? He stalks her because she put him in prison after he attacked her.No, he is not after the other arm (very funny) who knows if he's lovelorn. He's in prison and gets out to find his ex with another man! You thoughts are good, but a one line Logline will not fit all of that. Do you want to read the synopsis? The story itself is quite compelling, it has won two awards, but generally with competitions, they look deeper into the story and not just the logline. Thanks for your input.
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How about..."Just as a beautiful island woman finally falls in love, her ex-husband, the man responsible for the fight that cost her one arm, is released from prison and stalks her.
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That sounds wonderful! Actually I really like that. Here is my latest makeover: Losing her arm during a fight with her husband, Monique adapts to her loss and after four years accepts the fact that she may never leave the island for her career, but after meeting a man she loves, she doesn’t care and is happy, until her ex gets out of prison and makes her life miserable.
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That's a bit long. You don't actually need as much detail as you think. Just the protagonist and his/her goals, and the obstacle/antagonist. In this case, beautiful island woman, true love, scary ex-husband who's free and stalking her. Simpler is better. The rest can go in a synopsis.
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It's not about fitting it all in, it's about pointing in all the right directions. Your answers to the post hint at important elements that you wouldn't want to leave out of a logline or a synopsis. Shari's revision READS like a thriller. Your first stab was on the fence about its thill-ablity, and instead read contemplative, poetic, and ambiguous. Hence the boat of questions.
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"lets her sleeve wave aimlessly in the breeze" is fantastic writing btw
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Good point, Zach. I didn't really put enough thought into tone...