Can't think of a better group for advice. Putting together a package for a comedy tv pilot and here is my log line: "Under the guise of a senior citizen domino club a team of severely aging eccentrics rally to leave their mark on the world by anonymously launching outlandish sabotage missions on corporate polluters." I would love some feedback on the log line before I submit.
Your Stage : Log Lines by Marla Dean
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Hi Marla, the concept sounds fun, but the logline reads like a tongue twister. I'd omit "severely." Patricia's more succinct version captures the story more clearly. However, what are the stakes? Is there some sort of specific crisis they are trying to beat? Also, just to let you know, I moved this post to Your Stage, simply because that's where members post for feedback on their reels, loglines, videos, work, etc. :)
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Marla, here's an extremely helpful resource on the construction of a logline and its use for pitching—an article written by Christopher Lockhart: http://www.twoadverbs.com/logline.pdf. :)
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. Great advice and wonderful tips. Love Stage 32 and its members.
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Thanks, Beth, for posting this link! Loglines are tough, no doubt about it.
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You're welcome! I refer to his article often. He includes a ton of logline examples, even poorly written ones; why they don't quite work and how to improve them. Very helpful. :)
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Hi Peter, I have taken much of the helpful advice and revamped the log line, not quite the mouth full anymore. I have completed the pilot for this. And am in the process of pitching it. I am working the project as a whole. We will see what we will see, but excited.