Acting : Acting and Homosexuality by Christian Pius

Flashing back about a year ago, I auditioned as the host of a late night programme in a radio station. I was much controled by the flames in my heart and the excitement of the interview, though, I wasn't hired, that the desire of trying in other auditions brewed. I found an advert placement of a book to screen online, "Amanda Crimes". The project struck me because of a character, John Marcus. I had loved to portray this strong and focused detective, so I didn't hesitate to apply. Excerpts of the novel was posted on the site with samples of dialogue from the major characters. A certain disclaimer read that it is helpful to have a read of the book. There was a web link as to where the novel can be downloaded but it was broken. Then, I contacted the telephone numbers displayed for information. I was however refered to a distant book shop some freaking miles away. It wasn't convenient, honestly. So, I hoped and relied on the provided script for the auditions. Maybe I would have gone the mile to get the book and discover the shit I was getting into. Oddly, the script wasnt available, so I called the casting director to make the enquiry. I was told it will be given on the day of the auditions. I thought about my character, imagined a script and rehearsed in front of my bedroom mirror. I envisioned my potrayal of him, some performance I greatly thought would expose me to an audience to begin. The day of the audition was quite promising. I woke up early, took the first bus right to the venue. The place was crowded with actors. It was no surprise; I was notified three days before with my audition number for a second batch. I was shocked to discover other applicants rehearsing to scripts emailed them a day ago. I asked the coordinator the reason I had not received a script like other actors. He said words that didn't align. Then, it dawned on me, the audition might not be well organised. Okay, nothing should be perfect. Nothing must be a 100%, right? However, I braced up and joined actors auditioning the same role. It was rough, I didn't get to rehearse. I had to whine and squeeze through to have a peep into someone's script. I became wary, walked around the hall filled with actors and found a seat. I watched other applicants being called into the auditioning room. Some seemed super confident. I was nervous and shaky. Things were just not usual for me. Though, I thought how much it was just an audition; perhaps, I should take a chill pill. My turn into the room came. I was handed a script to perform with another actor, a young lady of average height and round face. She was quite drawn into herself, shy and nervous like I was. We were directed into another room for a last minute rehearsals. Other actors were there, all trying to make head way with the task. I read my script and was blown away as I was relegated to interpret a romantic scene with the female actor, in which I would have to apologize for a certain wrong doing to her and finish off the scene, asking the knuptial question. I could feel the pulse of my heartbeat pounding in my head; the world was going down in a spiral. I became quite pissed and then I knew I wont be hired. Why won't anything be mine? Then, it was time. We were called into the main room. The casting director sat at the far left, close to a gigantic window. The judges preceded him in that direction. I observed the town with tall buildings and shoping complexes bubbling with sound, leaving me to a dying fate. I tried to swallow the tumult I felt and act. Actors can play whatever role. Why was I proving hard? Then, I decided to joggle everything together; the whole fear and anger to give a good a performance but I fell flat on my face. The judges greatly disapproved. They felt I was forced and was "apologizing to my lover without showing remorse". They further remarked I would win the "Oscar for the worst actor". It was a ridicule. If only I had switched roles with my co-actor or asked to play about the same scene with a male counterpart, those judges would have known what I'm capable of. Yeah, they wanted me to just act. It was an audition for Christ sake. I left heart broken. I didn't want to blame and capitalize my failure on their loop holes; their lack of management and organising skills. I told my best friend about the whole incident. He was quite angry and disappointed too. He said, "only if I was given enough time to practice..." Yeah, he knew I could do it. But, It wasn't difficult memorizing the lines. I wish I had nailed it to about a 60%, everything would have been a bit different. I wish I was paired with a male actor for that romantic scene. I returned home cursing and blaming everything. I blamed myself. I felt so incompetent. I felt cheated. Sometimes, I ask why. Why is the industry so shamelessly "heteronormative"? Super icons like Brad Pitt, Jennifer Lawrence wake up everyday literally being themselves in this regard on set and off. It has never been like that for queer actors. They always have to hide under a cloak, always have to fit in. Miley Cyprus once said in one interview, after she had gotten romantically involved with her co star, Liam Hemsworth on set, "playing lovers...? You can never fake that kind of a thing". Of course, one can never fake love, no matter how good is their acting. Their sexual orientation must fit. There must be some sort of interest for the role. Think about the way, my favourite once closeted actors, Zachary Quinto and Wentsworth Miller came out to the public. They were fearless. It must have been torture being actors in Hollywood. Of course, they are many straight-acting actors. It is their business. I am different. I want to feel while doing something as precious as acting. I just want a better industry, free from all prejudices. Was I being too sensitive? I dont think so. Can the industry be what I want it to be? Yeah. But only with hard work and a fearless heart. Homophobia cannot put me off. Im not afraid of homophobia because I know homophobes only need to be enlightened. If I have to be nothing but a voice and a light to others like me, I would be glad. I would feel the most fulfilled to fill in that role.