Hey Everyone,
I'm having multiple arguments with myself at the moment about my logline and I would absolutely love some honest feedback. If you have a spare moment, I'd greatly appreciate your time.
Thanks all and have a great week.
Title - It's a wildlife.
Logline - A brazen young local woman and her clever American boyfriend are enslaved by an ill-fated alien squad and must guide them through the Australian bush to safety. As disaster falls upon the squad, the humans must sustain their worth and secure their freedom from the one tasked with eradicating them.
Thoughts?
Please treat my attempt to assist very lightly --
Alien enslaved humans must secure their freedom by freeing their captors from the treacherous Australian bush.
I'm sure those more accomplished can come up with something more appropriate. Good Luck with it.
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When aliens crash in the Australian bush, a young couple is forced into guiding them to safety.
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Too long, too many modifiers IMO. I'd go with Chad's version unless it's a selling point to have mixed race, mixed gender leads, in which case: "When aliens crash in the Australian bush, a local woman and her American boyfriend are forced into guiding them to safety."
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Thank you very much Patricia, Chad and Eric. This give me quite a bit to use. It's not a crash but I can see that my descriptors are turning it that way. So will tweak that too. Thanks again. B
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Hi Bianca. It sounds like an interesting concept. Just some thoughts that I hope will be helpful. Always try and confine the logline to 40 words or less. There are particular elements you need in your logline. Let's see if you have them. 1. A clear protagonist with a character flaw. You have that - a brazen young woman. The fact that she's local is irrelevant. 2. A clear story goal. This is an issue you'll need to sort out. The goal should come from the protagonist and is best expressed as "to...something", eg. To escape, to find, to win, etc. The problem here is the action is forced upon the protagonist by the antagonists, the aliens. They are forcing her to be their guide. What is HER goal - to survive, to escape, to defeat them? Express it clearly. 3. A clear inviting incident - what kicks the story off? eg. "WHEN aliens invade or crash and she's taken prisoner..." 4. Clear stakes - what does she stand to lose or gain? Without knowing that we don't care. 5. A clear antagonist - you have that - invading aliens The boyfriend is superfluous, dint mention him.
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Sorry for typo, autocorrect. Meant INCITING incident, not inviting.
Bianca, sounds like an exciting script. From where are the aliens? -- I've got them in one of my scripts in Australia -- just wondering.
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Thanks Ben. Most helpful. There is many layers to this that I feel that the logline excludes much of it, but I have to cut it back and stick to the points.
Hey Patricia, The whole script is towards the end of an alien invasion, where most of civilization are already gone - wiped out from above. The aliens that land are a clean up crew of sorts - deployed to eradicate the rest of the surviving humans. But they never thought to prepare for our wildlife, which has developed a bit of blood lush. - How about yours?
Wonderful! Thanks Bianca. No. Mine are here - they belong to a being called - The Devil - who supervises their experiments on humans.
Hey Patricia. Reading that just made me smile. It sounds like my kind of reading. Interesting idea. Do you have a synopsis on your profile of it?