As an experiment, I just posted 3 different loglines (or...maybe more. Only the shadow knows...) on the Stage 32 logline list. Trying to AB out which reads the best. Look for "Money From The Clouds"
Screenwriting : Log Lines by Gregory McGee
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Start your logline whit 'when or 'after" if possible (and not too boring).
(1)
INCITING INCIDENT= After a [antagonist=] brutal pirate attack that destroys his everything, hero must [theme=do what to save the day] or suffer [what consequenses].
His "everything" tells me nothing!
(2)
INCITING INCIDENT=When on a sailing honeymoon, pirates murder his wife and leave him for dead, he gathers a crew of misfits to exact his revenge.
(3)
Pirates attack a couple on a sailing voyage, but they make one fatal mistake: leaving the husband alive. He returns with a vengeance to lay waste to their corrupt criminal empire.
Logline (3) tells us more about the reason of his revenge.
"lay waste" = destroy
"corrupt criminal empire". Isn't an criminal empire always corrupt. CUT: "corrupt".
Maybe somthing like:
When on a sailing honeymoon, pirates murder his wife and leave him for dead, he gathers a crew of misfits to exact his revenge. and destroy their empire.
It's Charles Bronson who loves sailing.
For a better logline go to www.logline.it
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I like all the advice you're offering Rutger Oosterhoff
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Try www.logline.it
Good crowd of people that just dissect loglines for free. You are expected to help others. But they are good and helpful. I have reviewed hundreds of loglines there.
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Rutger offers great advice. He came up with a nice alternative ending for a horror script I wrote. I used his suggestion.