I sure would appreciate everyone's feedback and response to the following logline for a screenplay I'm developing:
A newly-minted U.S. Army second lieutenant strives for the approval of the shy, quietly-confident young woman he’s just met, but she sees through—and doesn’t like—the young officer’s arrogant grandiosity masquerading as a selfless act.
Thanks in advance!
Honestly, there's not conflict. There's a lot of unnecessary detail but no story. Its basically "Boy meets girl. Girl doesn't like him." Try something like this -
"An army officer goes AWOL and goes on a crime spree in an effort to impress the woman he's fallen in love with, only she her sheltered upbringing prevents her from falling for his grandstanding."
You have show in your logline where you raise the stakes in the screenplay. If the logline is boring then what do you think people will assume about the script?
Stage 32 member Danny Manus offers this formula, which I love:
When [INCITING INCIDENT OCCURS], a [SPECIFIC PROTAGONIST] must [OBJECTIVE], or else [STAKES].
(Example: When a struggling writer runs to the store to get groceries, he is confronted by a dragon who he must defeat or starve to death.)
Ditto. A dry explanation of what sounds like an interesting story. If the officer is the protagonist, we need to hear more about what he wants and what he’s putting at risk to get it. If his conflict is choosing between his ego and the heroine, help us understand what that means to him.
I’d like to know how the protagonist interprets that conflict in a way that sets the film apart. How do we know it’s not a mere facsimile of its peers?