Hi, all!
I'd love your feedback and suggestions on my latest logline:
An outed gay teenager [protagonist] must decide: live the life-long path his grandfather, the family’s rigid patriach, has set for him [struggle with antagonist] or honor his dreams he’s sure his grandfather will never accept, therefore never accept him [death stakes].
Adam Berger replied to my pitch with the following: "There are a lot of films about young men coming of age and coming out. What makes this one uniquely yours?" Do you think I have moved toward answering his question with this logline?
I look forward to your replies. Thanks in advance.
Hi, William. Just wanted to let you know your post was moved to Your Stage as it fits better there. That’s where members ask for specific feedback on their work. See the description at the top. ;)
About the logline... Could be just me, but I don’t care for its structure—the use of the colon and its set up of two choices. It doesn’t seem much of a story. A man has two choices. Okay? The answer seems too easy—of course, he should be true to himself. What more is at stake? Is there some inheritance? Is grandpa powerful? Is this set in a different era? Is there a cultural issue? I agree with Adam Berger. I’m sure this is a touching and an emotional drama, but at the logline it needs more. Also, it’s a bit confusing because the protagonist is already outed, thus he has already decided. So the grandfather is already aware and may have already rejected him. Also, “therefore” reads too rigid and is over doing it—your reader gets it, so no need. Anyway, explore options. Keep going. Hope that helps some. Best to you!
Your logline has a visual but it's full of garbage. Try making it succinct. I would write like this;
" a young gay must decide whether to live the long-life path his grandfather has set, or honour his own dreams and face the death penalty".
Hope that was helpful, Mr. William?
Sorry, Kay Luke and Beth Fox Heisinger. I didn't know you were typing I wouldn't have added mine. Master and Mistress of Loglines.
If you're confused, Beth helped me a lot when learning how to construct a logline, and Kay always give a helpful feedback when i post.
They deserve my RESPECT.