I was able to read everyone's comment on my last post and applied some to my new loglines.
TITLE :Jinnee
LOGLINE: A stressed mother is transported into a lamp where she must find the genie who had granted her wish before her husband and children cease to exist.
TITLE : Syco
LOGLINE : After failing at love for years, a young entrepreneur finds herself entangled with a charming stranger. She must escape when he locks her in his cellar refusing to let her go being adamant she is his dead wife.
What would you like to see.
I'd change them just a little it.
"Jinnee"A stressed woman is transported into a lamp where she must find the genie who granted her wish that caused her husband and children to cease to exist.
"Psycho"
A young entrepreneur becomes entangled with a charming stranger who locks her in his cellar because he believes her to be a manifestation of his dead wife.
1 person likes this
I'm into the dead wife locked in the cellar. And are you purposely spelling Psycho wrong? I like it, if it's done on purpose.
Hey, just a friendly reminder... please place any requests or soliciting for specific feedback or review on any personal work—posting your loglines, reels, campaigns, scripts, etc—in Your Stage. Please see the forum description at the top. Thanks!
About the loglines... The first one reads like a Disney or family comedy movie, perhaps? I could see it for younger audiences. However, again, it is confusing. What wish? Did a mom wish for success or some change, and then, whoopsie, some hidden clause in the "contract" caused her husband and child to disappear? Or is she an absentee parent and spouse who just wanted to be free of her responsibilities? The genre, the stakes, and what the plot and narrative are needs to be more clear. :)
1 person likes this
The second logline... For me, as an audience member, I do not wish to "see it" as you asked because I've already seen it, a lot, in real life and in fiction. Sorry, as a voracious watcher of fictitious thrillers and horror TV series and film, I find the logline and story plot to be too derivative. I'm a true-crime buff too so I'm well aware of real-life crime and statistics, which are tragic and horrible—femicide, kidnapping, sex trafficking, rape, domestic abuse, violence against women, etc. So, in storytelling and horror as entertainment, I'm rather tired of seeing women/girls being portrayed as victims in fiction. With that, perhaps explore how you can make it more original in some way. Maybe flip it, a woman kidnaps a man. Locks him in her cellar. He reminds her of her dead husband. By flipping it, that creates a whole different set of story possibilities. ;)
1 person likes this
I did spell syco purposely