All... Going to enter a screenwriting comp and looking for some feedback on the concept. TV pilot, sci-fi. Thanks in advance. "Thirty years after creating a pioneering, commercial space exploration business, a self-made billionaire decides passing the torch to a new generation, but discovering others have different ideas for the conquest of space and a mysterious find on Titan cause him to rethink his decision."
Your Stage : Logline/Concept Feedback by David C. Velasco
Logline/Concept Feedback
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Alright, David, mate?
It's always brave to put yourself out there and ask for help, so I'll try...
Firstly, this is clunky, overly long and doesn't tell me anything about your story. My guess is that it's some kind of sci-fi... but the billionaire could make it a Wall Street in space!
Now you see the problem.
For sheer purposes of structure, I'm going to assume that aliens have been discovered as having previously colonised Titan when the humans move in... and now they want their moon back!
So let's go!
When a space settlement billionaire hands over the empire to his ambitious daughter, he soon discovers that she destroyed all evidence of an ancient civilisation on Titan, to not scare off future settlers. But as humanity moves in, the previous inhabitants return, declaring her actions an act of war.
Okay, so that's long too, but when world building, more words are required to set up the backdrop, so it's fine.
From the above, we can see the setting, the inciting incident and we can guess as to what may well come next (fight or flee).
So now I'm going to ask you to make your logline clearer and post another version here.
Please TAG ME because I'm not exactly an avid social media user and I may miss your reply if you don't.
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Hi, David. Yeah, it's rather a run-on, ineffective sentence and it may be a bit too long, over 40 words. You could cut it down quite easily by using less wordy phrasing and choosing stronger single adjectives and better active verbs. It needs to be leaner and not so passive. You use four words to describe the business—pioneering, commercial space exploration. And I agree, it doesn't quite tell me much about the actual plot nor the stakes. Nor am I sure what the conflict is here? Is this just about typical generational differences and issues?—a comedy, perhaps? Is there some danger discovered too?
Keep in mind the differences between a logline, a premise line, and a synopsis. What you have reads more like the beginnings of a premise description/synopsis. A premise line is about the concept, for example, say, Space Force: "Space Force is a workplace comedy that centers on a group of people tasked with establishing the sixth branch of the United States Armed Forces." A logline is a succinct summary of the narrative story. Although, TV series loglines can be tricky.
Here's an article that may be helpful: https://screencraft.org/2020/08/18/how-to-craft-the-perfect-tv-series-lo.... :) Best to you, and best wishes on your pilot and creative endeavors!
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If you (or indeed anyone else!) would like a logline helpsheet I created some time ago for my writers, I'm more than happy to send. JUst become a Philmscriber via my site (totally free to sign up) and I'll email it over. (Plus you get my occasional newsletter, packed with screenwriting news, reviews, tips and the odd exclusive offer.) www.philmscribe.com
Thank you all for the valuable input!