I'm working on a movie inspired by a true story (my husband's life since a train hit us) and I'd like comments on the new longline I came up with.
Title: The Brit Who Said It Could Have Been Worse
Logline: The true story of a free spirited, extreme sports lover who, after a near-death experience, must face his inner demons to heal his PTSD and free his mind to accomplish his life mission of helping others, without having to pay the price himself.
Thanks for your comments!
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Hi, Isabelle. Wow, just wow. So you both survived the train accident and now your husband has PTSD, which is often underdiagnosed and not adequately addressed after traumatic events like this - even with car accidents. Well, I applaud you and think writing this story could spark some healing, maybe for you both and help a lot of other people in the process.
The logline needs a little work. I think saying the "free his mind" can be deleted since you've already said "heal his PTSD". And, the "without having to pay the price himself" is too ambiguous. What price? Maybe consider saying something like, before he loses everything he holds dear in his life, or even be more specific - before he destroys his marriage or misses out an a chance of a lifetime extreme sports event (be specific). Just make the stakes very clear...but, I love the idea of this story and wish you the best with it. keep us posted! :)
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Hi, Isabelle. Incredible story. So sorry you two had to face such an experience, but happy to know that you both survived, overcame, and have turned tragedy into helping others. :)
My thoughts on the title and logline: Both seem wordy, a bit long. The high number of phrases and commas in one sentence reads clumsily. Simplifying would be more effective. "True story" at the logline is not needed. That element would be better presented in a pitch or marketing materials. "Brit," again, is something that would be in a synopsis or pitch. Gotta think about everything working together in tandem: title, logline, synopsis, script, etc. Agree with Chaun, "pay the price" is an odd idiom choice here. The logline presents him as fighting to accomplish his life mission. Yet he is suffering the consequences for his actions? What actions? Paying the price? How? Did he cause the accident? If so, maybe include that in the logline. If not, my two cents, I'd steer away from idioms. Be clear.
Anyhoo, perhaps for some quick examples:
Could Have Been Worse
After a near-death experience, an extreme sports athlete must face his inner demons and heal his PTSD to accomplish his life mission of helping others or lose the life he's built.
After causing an accident and suffering a near-death experience, an extreme sports athlete must face his inner demons and heal his PTSD to accomplish his life mission of helping others.
I hope that helps!
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Hi Isabelle,
I think Chaun Lee is on the money, it needs to be more specific and clear- at the moment, both the title and logline are too vague.
Who is the protagonist, what do they want, who or what is standing in their way, what's at stake if they don't accomplish it?
Perhaps tie something railway-related into the title?
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" free spirited, extreme sports lover"- maybe could altered to "True story of a sports enthusiast maverick whom..." might make it catchier?
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Thank you so much for the comments and suggestions! As English is my second language, I tend to be a bit too wordy! I'll keep working on it and keep you guys posted.
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So, here's my latest version, trying to follow your amazing comments:
"After miraculously surviving an accidental train crash, an adventure sports maverick must accept he's not as well as he makes believe and face his inner demons to heal his complex PTSD, stay sane and become who he wants to be: an inspiring living example of what is possible when you go against all odds."
Is it still too vague and wordy? I wasn't too sure about "accidental" and "complex" PTSD. Rewriting it helped me have a clearer idea of the direction I want to take. Thanks to Chaun Lee , I will make sure PTSD & mental health is central, as it's part of the Acceptance theme I'm going for. Kate Dones I loved you maverick idea, brilliant! Hope you don't mind me using it! Beth Fox Heisinger Your shorter version of the title is a way better idea than my long one! And it will avoid Brits getting upset with a reference to them in the title ;) Eoin O'Sullivan Is it clearer now that he's the one getting in his own way and what is at stake if he doesn't change?
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Definitely shaping up better; and no problem. It was a more straightforward precise way to combine all those words together. few grammar fixes, and few more rewording might do.
"After miraculously surviving an accidental train crash, an adventurous sports maverick must accept that he's not well. To heal his complex PTSD, stay sane and become the man he aspires to be; he must face his inner demons and reality itself; An inspiring living example of what is possible when you go against all odds." . . . . how about that
Kate Dones LOVE IT!!! Thank you sooo much!