I'm trying to get this short filmed as soon as I can, but I want to get a solid script in place. Anyone want to help me with my logline and outline?
Here's the logline:
A poor, insecure teenage boy has to stash enough money to buy his girlfriend a necklace for her birthday, before his invasive, greedy parents find his stash and take his money.
Shoot me a DM if you'd like to see the outline! Thank you guys so much!
Hi, “insecure” doesn’t directly impact on the logline. So we can drop that and get back some space. Invasive & greedy don’t seem like real motivations, and enough for him to hide money from them.
The son of drunk losers is hiding money to buy his girlfriend a necklace. His parent suspect he is keeping money form them and set about making his life hell till he hands over the cash.
Something with some action and reaction, or at least hints at it.
Try this:
"A teenage boy saves money to buy his girlfriend an expensive necklace for her birthday, only he discovers that his greedy overbearing parents have found out about his secret stash and have plans of their own for the funds."
Might need more story logic? With the time factor "before his ... find his stash" what is delaying them from finding it? It's either so well-hidden they'll never find it or they don't even know about it and thus won't find it, or they just found it already. The story might be over already. Seems really contained ... when is the girlfriend's birthday? Maybe there's a subplot on the schedule!?
Key to have successful premise is putting ordinary people in extraordinary situations...I don't see nothing extraordinary here...having greedy parents is common as having white underwear...
Working Title
Logline
Character breakdown
Story Synopsis
Act1
Act2
Act3
Resolution
1 person likes this
I liked it. I mean its a short so why stress so much.
Hmm, try this you might be having an overall idea of the story. Just record your own voice by telling yourself this story and send that audio to your few best friends, your partner, your parents, and teens who are blunt and speak their minds.. If out of say 5, 4 likes it and want to see it, just make the film in one location with the least budget possible. If anyone says can be improved, you will make changes as you go.
Why stress so much. A great story sometimes happens in the process while even a simple one can be impactful enough without needing to be complex, convoluted tricks for a formulaic story structure. These kinds of stories go bad when you try too hard to bring a formulaic approach to them even at this initial stage.
I mean it doesn't sound like a life-changing unheard-of scenario or social message-driven story that can fetch funds through crowdfunding if you ask me. Sorry for just being straightforward. Though it's good overall.. So chances are you probably might end up self-funding it..
So lower the cost and shoot. These kinds of simplest concepts often if they get too much thinking comes out too bland. Some stories are meant to be simple and just have to get it done in that simplest approach. One thing I would say is to add some innocence to the characters and not outright evil and watch say Abbas Kiarostami films or even Yasujiro Ozu films. You will get tons of ideas for this kind of short..
Boost of luck..
1 person likes this
Thank you everyone for your feedback! This gives me a lot to think about!
An insecure teenager hides money to buy his girlfriend a necklace for her birthday but has to make sure his parents don’t go on rob and prevent him from impressing her.