Screenwriting : Feedback by Francesco Volpi

Hello, send me your sinopsys in message. Have nice day)

Hi Val! Here you are:

Candon Town, 1992.

Ash, a brave, intelligent 13-year-old boy, is sleeping when an intense, orange light appears from underneath the closet door in his room. The Boogeyman, a creature as tall as Ash, slim but muscled, a stripe of fur in the centre of his head and sharp fingernails, exits the closet. Ash wakes up, throws a snow globe at him, and knocks him unconscious. He then recruits his friends, Dana and Lester, to help him carry the monster into the woods. The Boogeyman wakes up with amnesia as the kids try to sneak away. To avoid making him angry, the kids make a deal with him: they will help "Boogie" get his memory back if he agrees to participate in their secret project. Meanwhile, Boogie's three supernatural "brothers" arrive from another dimension to search for him in Ash's world.

To help him regain his memory, the kids take Boogie to a psychologist to be hypnotized. Interrupted by his brothers, Boogie and Ash escape from the doctor's house and catch a bus to Los Angeles. Pursued by the doctor and an FBI agent, as well as the brothers, Ash and Boogie find themselves wandering around the city. As night falls, the doctor and FBI agent rescue Ash and Boogie before his brothers can catch them. They break into a school so the doctor can perform the hypnosis, but Boogie's brothers arrive for a final showdown. The FBI agent and Ash barricade themselves in the gym, ready to fight the monsters. Suddenly, Boogie appears, having finally regained his memory. He thanks Ash and returns to his dimension with his brothers.

A month later, Ash, Dana, and Lester screen their short horror movie starring Boogie during Talent Night at their school. The monster watches it from a dark spot in the auditorium with no one in the audience realizing who he really is. The movie is a success. Boogie leaves the school and disappears into Ash's closet.

Something similar to E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. you need to change something to unfold the story from an FBI agent or from a policeman who does not believe in children's stories or from someone else. We need to think))) The story is great! Well done!

What do you mean by saying "to unfold the story...?" From their POV? :)

There is no build-up of tension and basically no conflict here, that's the problem: the bogey man is supposed to be a scary creature, not something benign. Why is the FBI chasing them? Why does a dic accept to cure a monster 's amnesia? This could work brilliantly as a cartoon for little kids, not as a movie for a pre-teen/teen audience.

Hey Francesco Volpi! Great to have yo win the community and I am glad we are connected. Congratulations on finishing the script. If you would like to talk next steps, feel free to email me at j.mirch@stage32.com - Can't wait to hear from you.

Francesco, just change main character. And write everyday)

Actually, there is not much tension but this script does not follow the usual rule of the 12 points. I think that if you read the entire script you could understand more. However, thanks a lot Val and Louise! Feedback always help :)

Sure! I’ll give you my honest feedback in what I think is amazing, to what could be improved.