Filmmaking / Directing : New shorts by Neil Fergus

Wouldn’t mind reading the 8pgs.

It's on the website under my profile

Hey Neil!

I read "8 Seconds with God", which I think you meant "8 Minutes with God" in your original post...

There are a few things you might want to consider fixing in your script. I'll just point out a couple of helpful, obvious ones.

Technical stuff first. The principle of scenes and locations is wrong: in the first scene alone, you describe 7 different locations. The slugline reads INT. HOUSE - MORNING, and then you go on about your character going from his bedroom to the stairs, the kitchen, back to the bedroom, the bathroom, downstairs again to the kitchen, the garage, in his car, and finally in the driveway.

INT. HOUSE - MORNING

A man wakes up from sleep in his bedroom. The bedroom is nicely furnished with a queen-sized mattress, nice carpeting and matching wooden drawers and night stands.

The man arises from the bed in his pajamas. He is an ordinary, average looking man with short, curly brown hair and hazel eyes. He is handsome without being overly good looking. He is of an average height and weight.

The man puts his robe and slippers on and exits the bedroom, heading downstairs towards the kitchen. When he arrives in the well- appointed, modern kitchen, his wife, a pretty, blond haired woman, is making him breakfast. They exchange pleasantries and good mornings. The man eats his breakfast and goes back up to his bedroom to shower and change.

...

These are all separate scenes, thus sluglines. It should be stated as following:

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

INT. STAIRS - MORNING

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

INT. GARAGE - MORNING

EXT. DRIVEWAY - MORNING

And so on... But not one big scene.

Now, about the screenwriting. It will greatly help the reader to synthesize your actions and descriptions. There is no need to describe a man waking up over 10 lines. The first line of your script, which impacts the first impression you make, is "A man wakes up from sleep in his bedroom." That's a lot. And then you describe the room and the man himself in two separate paragraphs, to basically say that there's nothing special about either. I wouldn't spend so much time and words describing something and someone average. You should only describe what matters and serves the story.

If you open your scene with INT. BEDROOM - MORNING as opposes to HOUSE, for example, we already know we're in the bedroom. And most people wake up from sleep, too. So keep it simple. Less is more. Here's my personal suggestion:

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

A man wakes up. The bedroom is classic but nicely furnished. The man gets up. He could fit any description, for everything about him is average. Even his pajamas. He slips into his robe and slippers and exits.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

As he walks into a well-appointed, modern kitchen, he is welcomed by his wife who is making breakfast. She is pretty, with blond hair.

THE WIFE

Good morning.

THE MAN

Good morning

The man sits down and starts eating.

INT. BEDROOM - LATER

The man walks in and...

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have questions. I liked the ending twist, BTW. There's a really fun idea in there.

In reading the comments in the lounge, I see that it's easier to get a manager than an agent? I've tried with no success using IMBD pro. Does anyone have any suggestions to how to go about getting a manager? Thanks.

Lewis Martin Soucy this is VERY useful feedback you have given! I hope Neil Fergus takes it to heart! Thanks for sharing!