I'm reaching the final 2 episodes on a 60-minute, 5-part limited episodic in the same vein of Rome/ Apocalypto and I'm hesitant on which logline best fits my overall premise. I've compared what I have to examples of other similar shows and have come up with three loglines. Let me know which one seems best? A, B, or C?
A: A visceral account of the lives of Aztec kings, nobles, shamans, warriors, peasants and slaves during the apex years of the island of Tenochtitlan.
B: A comet, a quetzal and a snake bite kickstart a naive Aztec trapper's journey from Lake Zumpango to the fabled island-city of blood, sacrifice, sex and tribute. Tenochtitlan.
C: At the behest of his gravely injured father, a naive Aztec trapper travels to the island-city of Tenochca, but finds himself caught up in a conflict between the vanity of two emperors, his own inexperience and the lives of others.
1 person likes this
https://mobile.twitter.com/audreyknox/status/1487484389424459777
1 person likes this
C
Thanks David. I was kind of leaning towards C. The shows/ movies that I took inspiration from have contradictory loglines, so this isn't as clear cut as one would think.
1 person likes this
It depends on your market. Few Americans will know what a quetzal even is, which breaks the rhythm. B contains more mystery and is compelling, but C gives me a better idea of where this is going. I'd say the first half of B and the second half of C. Also, for me anyway, the word kickstart takes me out of the world you are painting, so something like; A comet, a quetzal, and a snake bite thrust a naive Aztec trapper into a conflict between the vanity of two emperors in the island-city of Tenochca, the fabled kingdom's heart of blood, sacrifice, sex, and tribute." Keep playing with it. It sounds intreaging. Good Luck!
1 person likes this
John Goldsberry Great advice, John! It's kind of difficult to interpret because Apocalypto, despite being in subtitles, was praised by American and Latin American audiences which is sort of the market that I'm aiming for. I'm probably just going to stick with C because it's straight forward and from my experience the simpler route is always the best.
2 people like this
Easily C. at least there is an inciting incident: "At the behest of his gravely injured father, a naive Aztec trapper travels to the island-city of Tenochca". The antagonist forces: "but finds himself caught up in a conflict between the vanity of two emperors", and vague stakes (must fight/take action=what, or all Hell brakes lose/losing leads to Hell for the lead person or all mankind) -- but not what he's going to do about his problematic situation = the real story.
1 person likes this
C, hands down. I agree with Rutger on why.
Rutger Oosterhoff MB Stevens Thanks gents. I agree with both of you. And thanks for the detailed explanation, Rutger! I feel pretty confident with C.
2 people like this
Hi Frank! Don't forget you can also post your logline here for more feedback: https://www.stage32.com/loglines
2 people like this
C but add what is at stake for him personally and if this has ramifications for the world he is in/others.