Screenwriting : Feedback on log lines by Melissa Newman

Sure. Did you post them?

To escape public shame and preserve family honor, an intersexed 1950s teen leaves her southern Appalachian home behind in search of anonymity. Embedding with a group of society’s cast-offs, can the old life finally be erased?

An intersexed teen in 1950s southern Appalachia leaves her home in search of anonymity to escape public shame and preserve her family’s honor. Embedding with a group of society’s cast-offs, can the old life finally be erased?

At first glance....

I personally believe the second one is better, it's shorter and gives enough without any unnecessary words. You said the same thing with less, so it comes across as punchier to me. I would only change the last part where it says, "can the old life finally be erased?" to "can her old life finally be erased?"

Sounds like an interesting character for sure. Is there a way to maybe frame the logline to focus on the external goal of the story? Like, what is the teen and their new group of cast-offs trying to accomplish throughout the story? I think what you have clearly explains the internal goal, but what types of things are the characters doing/trying to accomplish while the internal goal of anonymity is being pursued?

Agree with both comments so far. Wondering what the obstacles are? What happens when the teen joins the cast-offs?

She learns that imperfection is part of being human and unconditional love can come from surprising places.

Melissa - if you have to explain it - it ain't ready.

Nicely dramatic story.

A publicly shamed intersexed teen in 1950s southern Appalachia runs away from home as a last desperate attempt to find unconditional love.

Nice. I like it!

I'll take a look but I'm new here, how can I access it?

Sorry, ignore my last comment I found it. I like it, it does what it's supposed to and makes me want to learn more!