Hey Stage32 writers! I have two log-lines that I developed for my script. I like them both but am unsure which one is more effective at selling the concept and grasping reader attention. I could use some input and fresh perspective from outside sources. Would you please give your opinion in the comments below? I mostly want to get a survey. Thanks!
Script title "A Good Thought"
Logline1: A man at rock bottom struggles to restore his life by secretly obtaining narcotics and cash from a ruthless gangster and outlaw motorcycle club.
Logline2: After secretly acquiring narcotics and cash from a ruthless gangster and outlaw motorcycle club, a desperate man hides in plain sight while his town suffers the consequences.
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Hi, Steve Hayes. I prefer logline2 because it has consequences, which gives it intrigue. The first one lacks that element.
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Definitely #2
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I already rated on your logline, Steve Hayes, but after seeing logline #2, I think your logline could use some work.
I like that logline #2 has an inciting incident, but it doesn't have the protagonist's goal/the story goal. He's just hiding in plain sight. I would combine your loglines:
"After secretly taking narcotics and cash from a ruthless gangster and outlaw motorcycle club, a man at rock bottom struggles to restore his life while the town suffers the consequences of his thievery."
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Thank you guys, that feedback helped a lot.
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You're welcome, Steve Hayes.