Screenwriting : Logline Feedback by Joseph Kirkwood

Hey, Joseph Kirkwood. MAX sounds electrifying! Get it?

Here’s a logline template that might help:

“After ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

Loglines are one or two sentences (a one-sentence logline sounds better and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it). You can add the antagonist in the logline.

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective and the protagonist's position/role) tries to _______ (goal of story) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

Avoid using names in a logline (unless it's a Biopic or a famous story -- like a fairy tale). Use an adjective and the protagonist's position/role instead of a name.

Avoid using “must” in loglines because “must” sounds like the protagonist is forced to do whatever the goal of the story is (instead of the protagonist doing it willingly), and “must” doesn’t sound active. Audrey Knox (a TV literary manager) also said this during a logline review webinar in the Stage 32 Writers' Room (www.stage32.com/webinars/The-Write-Now-Challenge-The-Logline-Review-with...). Instead of using “must,” use “attempts to,” “fights to,” “struggles to,” “strives to,” “sets out to,” “fights,” “battles,” “engages in,” “participates,” “competes,” etc. Avoiding “must” isn’t a rule though.

Example #1:

“After a group of dog criminals arrives in a small town, an impulsive dog sheriff defends a dog treat factory so they won’t steal food that’s meant for hungry dog families.”

Example #2:

“A dysfunctional couple works together to survive against bears after they crash on an abandoned road miles from help.”

NOTE: Not all stories will follow this logline template. Biopics, documentaries, and Experimental scripts might not follow this template. The pilot logline and episode loglines for a TV show might not follow this template, but the series logline could.

Hi Joseph Kirkwood . I love the premise of your story. Maurice's advice is spot on. At present, the text reads a little more like a tagline than a logline. Still a great premise! Don't forget the stakes!

I love Studiobinder and they have a great formula which I always use to setup that first draft and then work it out to be less "formulaic." Hope this helps.

https://www.studiobinder.com/blog/write-compelling-logline-examples/

Sheesh, whatever school you're attending for a masters degree is failing their students.

Delete character names, unless they're famous household names like Sherlock Holmes, King Charles.

Thank you everyone for your valuable feedback. Dan, I think maybe the way to communicate your feelings could be done in a better way? Im aware that this is not the standard "logline format" and actually I wasn't really looking for critique on the actual formatting, but just on the idea itself. I wonder how many scripts have been sold when the logline has had names in it? Would be an interesting thing to find out. Thanks everyone, all the best!

IMDB

Struggles to is weak, protag does not make a good attempt to take controle

Strives to, the same thing

Fights to, much better, an active protag who's not going to give up

Sets out to, very weak

MUST tells you the protag absolutely MUST find the solution to the predicament he's in, the problem, or otherwise HELL

I guess it's ones again the guru's of logline.it - I'm not one of them, but know this is there idea - against the guru's of Stage32.

Maybe it should be fought out in a STAGE32 guru POGCHAMPS 6 on the CHESBOARD

I would advise touching on how their relationship evolves not just Max's moral quandary - do they stay connected somehow in the story?

I highly recommend this Stage 32 webinar on logline taught by Chris Lockhart, the story editor at WME and true expert in this exact field. Here's a link so you can check it out: https://www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-...

You're welcome, Joseph Kirkwood. Let us know how your logline turns out.

Thanks Sam, will take a look!