Screenwriting : Short Sci Fi script needs a read by Mike Henry

What's your script about?

While running from older kids who interrupt their good-natured snowball fight with other kids, two youngish children(10 ish) run down a wooded path to escape and make their way home. They encounter a man walking his dog who warns them on that path he's seen coyotes and stuff, so be safe. As the man walks on, he sees some metallic stuff under the snow, and rants to his dog about the DPW just leaving shit all over town, etc.

On the way, one of them gets grabbed and taken by what appears to be a Gray Alien.

The other kid screams and runs home and tells her parents what happened.

Though in disbelief, the mother decides the right thing to do is to tell the truth, and let the detectives or parents know the detail in case its something that helps find their kid- even if its not a "alien", maybe its clues that can help find the kid.

Obviously, the family with the missing kid that lives across the street flips out, but the dad mentions to the detective (in private) that he saw something strange a few days before that was perched up high on a fencepost. His wife throws a flashlight at him and tells him not to come back without their kid-

Everything culminates with the father of the missing kid, some detectives and police, and the man with the dog all converging on the same spot.

The dog sniffs out the boy, whose shellshocked but seems intact sitting against a tree in the snowstorm, and just staring straight ahead.

But the man with the dog sees that the metallic stuff he thought was left behind by the DPW and slowly getting buried in the snow, is now GONE, and what's left behind is a giant burn mark in the circular shape of a UFO.

(To turn it into a feature, what would happen next is we see that a alien got left behind by its ship when it took off. We would see that a neighbor saw it drop the boy on its way to the ship-

And we would find out the alien is loose in the neighborhood. and the Neighborhood would all react in different ways- some want to find it for the internet video glory, some want it dead, or to sell it to science. Some want to just board up their homes- but everyone wants to find it, and for a solid week it would be on the run. I wouldn't make it like ET, it would be a scarier threat like a wild animal cornered.)

There's a bunch to take in here, I'd be interested in reading your script and giving you feedback if you would like!

I'll read 20 pages and give my honest opinion.

I am interested in fixing it if that is what you are looking for. If so you can email me what you have at danguardino@yahoo,cim

Hi Mike!

I've had a look at your summary here, but it feels a tad overwhelming even for a short, as it's a bit clunky to read with the unnecessary detail. I really hope you don't mind, but I've rewritten your summary it for clarification :)

While running down a wooded path to escape some bullies who had interrupted their good-natured snowball fight, two ten-year-olds have a close encounter with aliens and one of them gets abducted.

To help find the missing child, the parents of the child who didn't get abducted (or who got left behind or whatever phrasing fits best) decide to tell the authorities about the stranger goings on in the neighbourhood lately, with the mother sharing what her child thinks they saw during the disappearance, and the father sharing that he'd seen "something" perched upon the fence post, something bigger than a bird.

A search party is launched and they soon converge to where they find the missing child, traumatised (and catatonic, maybe?), but they also come across a strange, circular scorch mark about (enter diameter here) feet across.

Did I get it about right?

Yeah more or less. Thanks for clarifying it.

Thanks everyone-- Sharing stuff is new to me, I hope it helps move me along.

I really enjoyed your summary Tamara thank you

I guess if anyone wants to read it, I posted it in the Loglines thing "Snowblind" is the title. I dont know how to attach it here, yet.

You're welcome, Mike!

I joined here a year ago and I only recently shared my work for the first time, so I totally understand that apprehension you're feeling!

Mike Henry I wanted to read it but all I saw was a logline and a synopsis. It sounds interesting but I would like to see the 20 page draft if possible.

Keep going Mike, the "stuff" can be important, it can be touchstones, it can be clues, it can be obstacles... don't forget that. Also, aliens are among us according to the people who believe. But sometimes, children may see things as a monster or an alien and it could end up being something completely different. So many avenues to the rabbit whole.