Hello Stage32!
I’m currently working on this procedural drama and was hoping to get some feedback for this little section! Needed an outside perspective after reading over it several times with my, still limited, knowledge on screenwriting.
Any feedback/suggestions would be greatly appreciated! And I’m asking this because I have mostly wrote in novel format so I need to double check with people who know if there might be any unneeded details. In my mind, this doesn’t seem like too much but that’s me and obviously I look at my writing through a lens- haha.
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Nice job on the scene, Bea West. I don’t see any unneeded details.
Here are some notes/suggestions:
#1) Your action lines are short. Action lines should take up more of the page horizontally. Check the picture I attached to my comment.
#2) Move “2001” from the scene heading and put it on an action line.
#3) I suggest adding a character description for each character (one or two adjectives that describe their personality -- also appearance and clothes if they're important to the story). Having character descriptions will give the reader a better idea of how the characters act and talk.
#4) You wrote the scene in Past Tense (Example: “He gripped the cloth of his red hoodie tightly as an anchor”). It sounds better to use Simple Present Tense (“He grips the cloth of his red hoodie tightly as an anchor”) in a script instead of Past Tense.
Also, if you want feedback on a script, you can make a post in the Screenwriting Lounge (www.stage32.com/lounge/screenwriting).
And when you’re ready to get feedback on your full script, I recommend Stage 32’s Script Services (www.stage32.com/scriptservices).
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Write all in Present Tense. Also it's "a" CREEPY OLDER GENTLEMAN (somehow feels like a contradiction, then again, doesn't Mr. Hyde feel creepy?!), not "the" -- except you, we don't know him yet.
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Maurice Vaughan
Thank you so much for all of that and apologies for posting it in the wrong lounge!
I do tend mix my present and past tense without realizing it so thank you for catching that.
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Rutger Oosterhoff
Thank you for the feedback! That makes sense :)
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You're welcome, Bea West. You didn't post this in the wrong Lounge. You can post things that you want feedback on in the Your Stage Lounge, on Your Wall (which you can get to if you click "Bea's Wall" on your profile), and the Screenwriting Lounge, but if you post things that you want feedback on in the Screenwriting Lounge, more people will see your post.