Hi guys I am a new to the lounge... Hope maybe I can have a chat with a few people's...
Format - Feature
Genre - Drama, Action
Logline - " A world weary old black man takes in a traumatized young white man from the streets, hoping to save him from a life solely lived for REVENGE. At the end of the day the, Truth is the boy can only save himself. The answer between good and evil all comes down to a simple choice. Though, seeing past one’s personal emotions can violate and disturb a clear vision. "
This script has been detailed to the brim, I spent 5 years + on it.
I do believe my logline is a bit long though.
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It is long and wordy and feels like it dances around the story itself. "World weary" already suggests "old" so I think you could take that out. Try to iron it out and explain the crux of the story within two lines at the most.
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I agree your logline is long. It also describes a lot of what the emotions and arcs will be but not in a way that I can visualise the story. I sense that race is a theme, as is revenge/anger, and I'm presumptuous about historical experiences (based on their being a contrast in ages)
A real basic way to try and encapsulate it that works for me is to use a generic stencil and then tweak it later to fit your need:
When a (description) (protagonist) is (inciting incident) they must (goal of story) but (obstacle/enemy) threatens to (what is at stake)
When a weary, reformed pensioner rescues a troubled youth from the streets they believe they can set the youth on the right path but it unearths both of their violent, abusive pasts and threatens to (what is at stake?)
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Logline reads like Finding Forrester, with the race of the main characters reversed.
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Thanks guys, Ill change it, the ask for you're feed back again.
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Hi, Hanno Hattingh. Here’s a logline template that might help:
“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”
The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”
And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).