Screenwriting : Logline help: lots of logline looks on inktip but that's it. I've gotten a double recommend for the scripton here and interest but I'm wondering if I need logline help. by John Metzner

Hi, John Metzner. It sounds like there are two inciting incidents in your logline. "After his son's unexpected death" and "widower disowns a young man who was like a second son." I suggest using the inciting incident that sets the story in motion.

Your logline also needs the main character's story goal.

After, his son's unexpected death, a grief-stricken widower moves in with his daughter-in-law and grandson to make a fresh start but by cutting out parts of his life including his adopted son everything comes back to haunt him.

Thanks Maurice, trying this...

You're welcome, John Metzner. Your logline is better, but I think it still needs some work. Here’s a logline template that might help:

“After/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes).”

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: “A _______ (an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality and the protagonist's position/role) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/participates/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/the event that sets the plot in motion).”

And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” (www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...).

Thanks, Maurice, I'll get to work on it.

You're welcome, John Metzner.

My question was, who is the protag? If it's the widower he sounds like kind of a jerk, he's used the young man then cast him a

side.

The story basically is that the main Protagonist saved the young man at an early age from an abusive father, something he knows all too well but because of it his own son and him do not get along mostly out of jealously and the fact the the main protagonist is more like the young man than his own son.

But after his son's sudden death he feels that if he dedicated more time to his own son things would have been different. So he distances himself from the young man and tries to be a better grandfather than he was a father but his plan backfires and the young man spirals out of control. The protagonist must make a decision to save the young man's life and learns that he cannot erase one part of his life to fix another.

The main protagonist is quite endearing in a rough and tumble blue-collar way. He goes through a tremendous growth throughout the story as do all the other male characters, who are all dealing with grief and personal torment in their own way.

The reader on stage 32 who gave me a double recommend said that women are usually show their emotions more and that this story was different because it focus on how men of all ages deal with grief and emotional issues in their own way.

let’s not focus on his son’s death so early in the logline.

When a young man spirals out of control his would be dad steps in and helps the young man see value in himself at the same time fixing himself after the death of his son.

I like a little more action to describe a logline, so this may not be as good as it could.

Thanks Craig.

Let me take a crack. If I'm understanding correctly... A grief-stricken father disavows the boy he treated as his own, only to realize it can never bring his son back.

The conflict isn’t well defined. There needs to be a sense of conflict that isn’t easily resolved. “Realizing” he made a mistake isn’t conflict, that is just a brief and passing moment and he could just pick up the phone and call this kid again. Also, the decision to “abandon” the kid isn’t very clear. The son was jealous, but he’s not alive anymore. Then why abandon someone? Feels like we’re missing the conflict in the logline..