Screenwriting : Script Challenge: Would you turn to page 3? by Kelly E. Keough

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This should be posted under YOUR STAGE as it is PROMOTION for a service

Kelly E. Keough I must say that's an excellent beginning. Extremely economical in getting tons of info across and hooking the reader.

Wow. Very informative. I will make sure to dig deeper into this and apply your step-by-step guidance to polish my pages. Thank you for sharing Kelly E. Keough

Incredible first 2 pages, Kelly E. Keough! I really like visual writing and character intros! My favorite intro is "EUNICE, blonde like her father, disobedient like herself." And excellent cliffhanger at the end of page two.

You asked "Would you turn to page 3 after reading the 1st two pages on my historical action romance?" Definitely.

Hey, DT Houston. Kelly's post is ok in the Screenwriting Lounge since she's asking for feedback from the community (would we turn to the 3rd page after reading pages 1-2).

Gotcha Maurice Vaughan ! Thanks for informing me there! :>)

You're welcome, DT Houston.

Well done! And I'm also from Boston but living in L.A. now. : )

Also, is it more effective to show both the protagonist and antagonist so soon? (which was so well done) I usually set up the protag's world first and by page 10, what they're up against, introducing the antagonist.

Everyone's comments on "would you turn to page 3?" were so HELPFUL! And to...David Santo, Tucker Teague, Canadian Ann, Maurice Vaughan, THANK YOU for taking the time to read and comment! I was scared because I can be delusional thinking the story is clear, and I wanted to know if applying some "writing techniques" would make a difference. To answer Christine Capone's question about when to set up the protagonist and antagonist, my intention as a spec script writer is to ask myself, how can I get my pages read if I'm not a known writer? So one strategy is to set up the whole story (protag/antag/central conflict/desire/theme) by page 2-3 because it can hook the reader to get at least to page 10 because they know what's going on so quickly. Does that make sense?

You're welcome, Kelly E. Keough. "I can be delusional thinking the story is clear." That happens to me sometimes. That's why I like getting feedback. And sometimes other people can see things that I don't.

I am not sure I would. I can see where it is going. Some things I think would make for a better page.

Scene heading - next day. How would I film that?

This is just me. I try to be very conservative with words. I found some of the VO a little wordy and difficult to parse for that reason (just me).

Plus you have an issue with time. It starts on christmas eve, jumps forward a day and it is still christmas eve.

Finally, word choice, “strained compassion” I don’t know what that looks like. “he knows his bravery is about to be tested”, how do I film that.

I am probably come off as a bit of a turd. But I just wanted to clarify why I may not turn to page three.

Craig D Griffiths I'm with you on most of what you mentioned. Scripts should not have novel-like narration, whether a couple sentences, or more prevalent. If you can't show it, you really should not say it. "He knows his bravery is about to be tested" is telling the reader something internal, a character's motivation, a thought, or how they "feel.". Problem is, none of that is being shown. And it needs to be shown via character action, or via dialogue. This is a very common mistake that many writers make. At a certain level, it's something that will be Red Flag noticed, pointed out, and coverage on material will suffer as a result.

Everybody's style is different. Some people are wordy writers. Some people are minimalist writers. And all points in between. All said, writing economically as a screenwriter can truly be your best friend. The less words you need on the page, the better. 100%.

DT Houston It's kind of a tricky area, and one where "best practices" seem to shift over time. It seems there was a phase where character descriptions were supposed to be terse physicals in parentheticals like a casting call sheet (40s, lanky, leather jacket, greasy hair), but lately I've seen this loosen a bit, with suggestions from readers along the lines that an introductory character description is one of the few places where writers are encouraged to flex a bit with their prose, as well as leaning away from specific physical descriptions (and ages) in order to expand the pool of actors who might be considered for the role. But definitely 100% agree that concision and brevity are always good. Make that five-word descriptive phrase count, and always keep an eye out for attention-grabbing visuals!

All great suggestions, thank you!

Kelly E. Keough I would continue reading this. Your writing is good but a few thing you might want to consider fixing. Scene headings let people know what time of day they must shoot the scene so I would lose the NEXT DAY, NEXT NIGHT, THAT NIGHT and just say DAY or NIGHT. “Protestant against Catholic” should probably be Protestants against Catholics. The MOHAWKS in canoes are probably just extras so they shouldn’t be ALL CAP. “This Christmas Eve” should be This Christmas Day.“grown up” should be grown-up.

hi Dan Guardino, thank you so much for participating in this thread, and I’ve learned so much, I appreciate your suggestions for tweaks, and I will definitely apply them. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Kelly E. Keough I am glad you found my suggestions helpful and you have a happy St. Patrick's Day as well.