Screenwriting : Finally Saying Hi by ChristaCarol Jones

Post them here

Hi, ChristaCarol Jones. I agree with Zorrawa Jefferson. Stage 32 also has a Logline Review service (www.stage32.com/scriptservices/coverage/buy?id=22).

Oh cool. I read something somewhere saying not to post them here so I wasn’t sure.

Yeah, you can post loglines in this Lounge if you're asking for feedback on them, ChristaCarol Jones.

I have found that folks here tend to respond if you ask for feedback.

Thought: If you have more than one version of a logline and aren't sure which works best, post them both and ask which one do people like more... and why.

Ok so I’ve been working and reworking this one. Any feedback is appreciated. Trying to keep my comical tone in these less-than-35 words and get the point across. In a quaint town hiding dark secrets, a spirited teacher and eccentric townsfolk clash in a dark comedic battle against sinister censorship, involving unlikely allies, book smuggling, and a touch of arson.

Waves back. Hi, ChristaCarol. All the best with your multiple projects. Here if I can ever be of any support.

just in terms of what you put here. I wouldn’t say darkly comic in the actual logline - use the logline to get that across. I would make it active. a spirited teacher clashes with…. and I would say a smidge of arson. I think smidge is funnier than touch. hope that helps.

Welcome Christa.

Nice touch with the arson. Maybe a hint about the stakes that I now have to guess?

In a quaint town, a spirited teacher leads a clash between unlikely allies about book smuggling and sinister censorship, to avoid arsonists getting upper hand.

I like your logline for the most part, ChristaCarol Jones. I agree with Rufus Chaffee about "dark comedic," and I suggest adding the stakes, like Wal Friman suggested. I think you should keep "hiding dark secrets" though. I think it'll intrigue the reader.

Ok let’s give this one a go taking in the recommendations: In a quaint town hiding dark secrets, a teacher fights absurd censorship through banned books, secret clubs, and a smidge of arson, all to avoid becoming another "missing" citizen.

I like the new logline better, ChristaCarol Jones. The main character's goal is clearer, and the logline has stakes for the main character.

I think "all to avoid becoming another "missing" citizen" sounds like she's only fighting the censorship to avoid going missing. Like "all to avoid becoming another "missing" citizen" is her reason for fighting the censorship. Does that make sense? I suggest rewording "avoid becoming another "missing" citizen."

Also, "avoid becoming another "missing" citizen" are stakes, but when I suggested adding stakes to the logline, I meant stakes as in what happens if the main character doesn't reach her goal.

Talk about relevant, ChristaCarol Jones. My wife is a librarian so I get to hear a lot about the subject. Great logline so far but there's still a bit much to it. Perhaps something more akin to "In a dark, secretive town, a (add a one-adjective description of the teacher) teacher, fights against book censorship against a mob willing to add her to the list of missing persons." The last part would be the stakes unless the story calls for graver stakes that would affect the population as a whole. Hope that helps.

Great way to sum up the stakes, Leonardo Ramirez ("The last part would be the stakes unless the story calls for graver stakes that would affect the population as a whole").

OK here is the long version to give it more context: In this deceptively cozy town, Angela's treading a path that could easily make her the star of local folklore—not for heroics, but as the next "mysteriously vanished." She's juggling banned books, underground book clubs, and just enough arson to keep things interesting, all while playing a high-stakes game of moral limbo. Here, your morality score decides whether you're sipping tea at the mayor's or vanishing faster than dignity at a pie-eating contest. Angela's every move doesn't just thumb its nose at the town's draconian rules—it pirouettes on the thin line between making history and becoming a cautionary tale whispered among the bookshelves.

I'm not sure what the main storyline is after reading the long version, ChristaCarol Jones. It sounds like your script is more about playing a high-stakes game of morals than fighting censorship. If that's the case, I suggest focusing on the game in the logline.

I agree with Maurice. Your long version feels like a lot of style but lacks substance as in what’s the actual plot or hook. your shorter version is a lot better with the tweaks you made.

Hm so I’ve been reworking it to correlate the score and the censorship together, because they are connected. Maybe I need a different name for the “morality score”? Thanks for all your feedback….it’s great motivation. I’ve been tweaking it and trying different versions. Does this make it more substantial? Or does it create more questions?

In Roxburne, where pie contests cut as deep as censorship, Angela Miller, a widowed teacher, unwittingly becomes the champion of a revolt against not just the town's peculiar book bans but also its Orwellian Morality Score system, which enforces these draconian laws. Her arsenal? A stash of banned books and a fiery spirit of defiance. She's up against the town's morality meter, controlled by the PTA's Grace James and the Cultural Historic Society, which dictates conformity and punishes dissent with "disappearances." As Angela kindles her underground literary rebellion and unearths her predecessor's sinister end, she finds herself dancing on the tightrope of Roxburne's oppressive ethics. Her journey ignites secret book clubs, public spectacles, and a climactic act of arson—a desperate bid to illuminate the absurdity of censorship and reclaim freedom.

You're welcome, ChristaCarol Jones. The new summary makes it sound like the script is about fighting censorship. And overthrowing a corrupt society???

"a widowed teacher, unwittingly becomes the champion of a revolt against not just the town's peculiar book bans." I'd focus on that and overthrowing the society in the logline. I'm not sure what the Orwellian Morality Score system is.

Yes!

Leonardo Ramirez and I bet your wife does hear a lot about it. I'm a teacher in a pretty conservative area so it's always a topic of conversation.

Ok I took another stab at it: In a quaint town hiding dark secrets, a spirited teacher defies a bizarre censorship regime and Orwellian morality scores with banned books, secret clubs, and a smidge of arson, aiming to dodge the eerie fate of "vanished" dissenters.

Your love for language is captivating and this probably looks too much like a thriller.

In a town with dark secrets, a spirited teacher defies a bizarre censorship regime to dodge the eerie fate of "vanished" dissenters.

I think that's your best logline so far, ChristaCarol Jones.

#1) Use another word instead of "dissenters." Some people might not know what that word means. I had to look it up. Maybe use "citizen" like you did in your other logline.

#2) Remove "eerie." I suggest that because we know from "vanished" that something eerie/strange/mysterious is going on and removing "eerie" will make the logline shorter by one word. The logline's 38 words right now.

Thanks Wal Friman !

Aw I had a whole post connected to my last comment but it didn’t show up for some reason. Darn. Ok so how is this:

In a quaint town hiding dark secrets, a spirited teacher armed with banned books, covert book clubs, and a smidge of arson, defies a bizarre censorship regime aiming to dodge the fate of "vanished" nonconformists.

Bam…35 words! I took out the Orwellian morality thing, figuring the summary connects the dots. Is it took adjective heavy?

I like that you took out "Orwellian morality scores," ChristaCarol Jones. You could save that for the synopsis and pitch if you want.

I like "covert book clubs" more than "secret clubs." I think "covert book clubs is more appealing.

I think putting "armed with banned books, covert book clubs, and a smidge of arson" before "defies a bizarre censorship regime" throws off the logline's flow.

I suggest removing the comma after "arson" and adding a comma before "aiming."

Here's a logline suggestion: "In a quaint town hiding dark secrets, a spirited teacher defies a bizarre censorship regime with banned books, covert book clubs, and a smidge of arson while avoiding capture." 29 words.

Or this: "In a quaint town hiding dark secrets, a spirited teacher defies a bizarre censorship regime with banned books, covert book clubs, and a smidge of arson while avoiding the fate of "vanished" nonconformists." 33 words.

Thanks Maurice Vaughan I switched around the wording because written the other way, it almost sounded like the regime had banned books and covert book clubs. However, if that’s now how the majority conceptualize it (that it’s our teacher with the banned books and orchestrating covert book clubs), then that will work. Thanks for the brainstorming session fella’s!!! So glad I crawled out from under my rock.

You're welcome, ChristaCarol Jones. I see what you mean ("it almost sounded like the regime had banned books and covert book clubs").