Screenwriting : High Justice logline by Stevan Šerban

Can be more focused.

Four misfit criminals get witness protection in an drug rehab center where all shots are called by an unstable staff, eccentric patients, a frustrated US marshal and a hitman.

The concept is interesting, Stevan Šerban, but I think the logline is too long (44 words).

I suggest removing "must." And I think you need something stronger than "deal with." Maybe "fight against," "fight with," or "clash with."

I also think "if they want to stay alive and safe" needs a better flow.

I agree that his logline can be more focused, Wal Friman, but I think "where all shots are called by" makes it sound like the marshal and hitman work at the rehab center.

I like it Stevan Tough to improve. My genre and I have pilot too,-- "The Last Legal High"-- In 1914 NYC, a band of friends facing the looming threat of drug prohibition, navigates danger, of every type, in a bid to safeguard their idyllic lifestyles. Good Luck. Best, Jed.

Wal Freeman, thanks for the suggestion. I like your version.

Maurice Vaughan, I agree with you. As far as I'm aware of the industry standards, the logline for TV series can be a bit longer, because TV series is a much more complex format than film.

You might be right, Stevan Šerban.

"Four misfit criminals in the witness protection program live and work in a drug rehab center, but their protection may be threatened by a frustrated US marshal, a hitman, eccentric patients and weird staff."

Is it better now?

I think "but their protection may be threatened by" needs a better flow, Stevan Šerban.

"Four misfit criminals in the witness protection program live and work in a drug rehab center, but they have to fight against a frustrated US marshal, a hitman, eccentric patients and weird staff if they want to stay protected"

I think the logline could flow better, and I don’t think you need “live and work,” Stevan Šerban.

How about one of these loglines:

#1) After ending up at a drug rehab center, four misfit criminals in the witness protection program fight against a frustrated US marshal, a hitman, eccentric patients and weird staff to stay protected.

#2) When four misfit criminals in the witness protection program end up at a drug rehab center, they fight against a frustrated US marshal, a hitman, eccentric patients and weird staff to stay protected.

#3) Four misfit criminals in the witness protection program fight against a frustrated US marshal, a hitman, eccentric patients and weird staff to stay protected at a drug rehab center.

Maurice Vaughan, thank you very much for your help! I think #2 is the best so far!

You're welcome, Stevan Šerban.

Getting there, getting there. Clearer about roles.

When four misfit criminals in the witness protection program hide from a hitman among eccentric patients and a weird staff at a drug rehab center, a frustrated US marshal blows their cover.

I would drop the word “misfit”. That’s all. That word is so over see by people trying to make something that is boring sound interesting. How are four criminals in witness protect anything else.

Craig D, thanks for your comment. It definitely makes sense.

How about something like this Stevan Šerban ?

Four misfit criminals struggle to survive a witness protection program in a drug rehab center, where a frustrated US marshal, hitman, eccentric patients, and weird staff threaten to blow their cover.

Stevan Šerban This is a comedy, right? I'm going by the various logline iterations. If that's the case, misfits is perfectly fine.

Christopher Phillips, genre is crime/comedy/action.

Stevan Šerban great. So, misfit criminals makes sense. They are hiding out in a rehab center with a cast of characters. What are the rising stakes? Are they avoiding other criminals ahead of a big trial? Or do they just need to make it out of their 90 day rehab stint?

Matthew Kelcourse, your question is preceded by a more important question: Why four protected witnesses in one place? Well, because due to budget restrictions, there was not enough money for each individual witness. And why in a rehab center? Because all four are single and don't have families, and it was easiest to place them and supervise them at a single cost in one location (it's a crime/comedy/action). All of this cannot fit into a logline, nor does it need to. The logline should only be a hook to make someone want to read the script and get answers, among other things, to a question like yours. Is not it?

Robin Gregory, thank you! This one sounds interesting.

Christopher Philips, All four criminals are among the very rare and extreme cases where the witness protection program lasts for life.

Stevan Šerban I see. So, Budget cuts force four misfit criminals to stay at a rehab facility and not blow their cover while dodging a hitman hot on their trail. That’s the big picture?

Matthew Kelcourse, If someone agrees to a protection program, it doesn't mean that the only thing they want is to save their ass (stay alive). Especially if he is single and has no family! Did you think that these people also want a second chance? Does every human being deserve a second chance? Even criminals? If anyone understands people who want a second chance by agreeing to be treated for addiction, then it's these criminals who want to change their lives and the only chance they had for that was to agree to a protection program. In the end, my story is crime/comedy/action. Comedy is the most watched genre (I would not go into the discussion now for what reasons), and my point of view is to show serious social problems such as crime and addictions of all kinds, through a story that has elements of comedy, first of all, it reaches a wide audience, then it does in a much more receptive way, and in the end - it's healing! Apart from all the above, I got a double recommend for my pilot episode, probably because I did it well.