Screenwriting : How Can I Improve This Logline? by Mark Deuce

Mark Deuce

How Can I Improve This Logline?

Thank you for your help!!

Title: LBL

Set in the year 999AD

Logline:

For 30 days Cherokee Indian, Sleeping Owl must survive in the LBL (Land between the lakes) that is full of human eating, hunting, and possessing creatures to become a warrior in his tribe.

Wal Friman

You better put in why he's the only one who is sent there. Otherwise the camp can't be that hard to survive. The tribe's education can't be killing most of their own warriors.

Dan MaxXx

Whats the hook from another survival movie?

The movie PREY is basically the same plot but the hook is the Predator.

Julian Harrison

Sure, here's an improved version of your logline:

"To become a warrior in his tribe, Cherokee Indian Sleeping Owl must survive 30 perilous days in the Land Between the Lakes, a territory teeming with human-eating, hunting, and possessing creatures."

Sam Rivera

Hi Mark Deuce I think you have something strong so far but I know that can only go so far, I highly recommend checking out our Logline Polish! Check it out here!>>https://www.stage32.com/scriptservices/coverage/buy?id=22

Marcel Nault Jr.

Mark Deuce Hey Mark!

Here's my take on this: To survive in his homeland, a determined Cherokee Indian must face many obstacles that come with a large price.

Pat Alexander

To become a warrior in his tribe, a Cherokee Indian must survive being hunted for 30 days across a treacherous landscape full of human eating and possessing creatures.

Anthony Moore

Try this - "A young warrior is sent out into the wilds for a month to prove his skill and bravery to the tribe, only to find that these woods hold a secret that turns the hunter into the hunted."

Mark Deuce

Thank you to all for your amazing feedback!! It was invaluable.

Mark Deuce

I love your logline Anthony Moore & Marcel Nault Jr. & Pat Alexander really appreciate your feedback.

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