Please comment upon the screenplay below. English is not my native language. And I learned screenwriting by creating no-budget films in a country where production companies bother little about correct formating.
The background to the screenplay is as follows. I have written a screenplay, and then translated it into English. Presently it is 98 pages long. I want to sell that screenplay in USA. So I had the idea that for marketing, it would be great with a short film on television right before the feature film hits the cinemas. So I wrote a two minutes short script with Pauline, the main character, plus one more of the characters.
INT GUNPOWDER'S OFFICE - DAY
Normally furnished office room, with a sign for the CIA.
GUNPOWDER, 50, is sloppily dressed. He puts a shine maker into a cupboard.
PAULINE, 30, is pregnant and has forgotten to close the zipper in her trousers. She enters and looks mischievously on the shine maker.
PAULINE
Uncle Gunpowder, are you planning a little winter vacation?
GUNPOWDER
Perhaps, my dear Pauline.
Gunpowder flashes a mischievous smile.
NOISE. Gunpowder becomes nervous. Pauline exits. DOOR OPENS.
PAULINE (OS)
Unfortunately, you shouldn't try to find your husband right now... I'll tell my uncle.
DOOR CLOSES. Pauline re-enters.
GUNPOWDER
As usual!
PAULINE
Your wife is not happy.
GUNPOWDER
As usual!
Horrified, Gunpowder rushes out.
Pauline takes a glass from the desk, fills it partly with the liquid from a sample bottle. Her expression shifts from curiosity to shock as she takes a sip.
PAULINE
Oh my God, what is this?
She grimaces and rushes out of the room, covering her mouth.
Light bulb stops working.
Pauline drags Gunpowder back into the office. Gunpowder has a bruised face and disheveled clothes. Pauline has a towel around her neck.
Pauline leaves Gunpowder on the floor. He shows signs of pain. She wipes herself around her mouth with the towel.
Pauline changes the light bulb.
GUNPOWDER
Pauline, you have always been my favorite niece.
PAULINE
Thanks.
GUNPOWDER
So you are the right person to murder our Titan who wants to make cuts in our budget.
PAULINE
That sounds difficult.
GUNPOWDER
Don't worry. I'll give you seven gold bars if you succeed.
Pauline looks curious.
THE END
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Hey Göran Johansson probably lost in translation, but what is the "shine maker"?
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One way to get forward is to check the logline. Plenty of comedy here. Enough stakes?
A touchy CIA agent, whose budget has been cut, hides from his unhappy wife, while convincing his pregnant niece to assassinate their superior.
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Assassinate.
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Thanks E. Fixed.
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Gunpowder is one of the coolest names I’ve seen in a script, Göran Johansson!
I suggest adding one or two adjectives to describe a character’s personality when they’re first introduced.
Describe the office some more when the scene starts. You could add things to the office description that’ll tell the reader more about Gunpower and his past.
I think your action lines need to be rewritten so they’re more exciting to read and so they have more emotional impact. I suggest reading other scripts to see how the action lines are written (www.stage32.com/loglines and www.nyfa.edu/student-resources/10-great-websites-download-movie-scripts).
I’m not sure what’s going on here: She grimaces and rushes out of the room, covering her mouth. Light bulb stops working. Pauline drags Gunpowder back into the office. Gunpowder has a bruised face and disheveled clothes. Pauline has a towel around her neck. Pauline leaves Gunpowder on the floor. He shows signs of pain. She wipes herself around her mouth with the towel.
I think some of your dialogue sounds robotic/wooden. What I do to keep my dialogue from sounding like that is basing each character’s dialogue on their personality. Example: A stern character will talk differently than a lively character.
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Dear friends, it is very nice with people like you. Because you try to help.
Mike, you asked what a shine maker is. A destillation unit used illegally to produce alcoholic beverages. In my native language, only one word is used but when I translated hembränningsapparat into English, multiple alternatives were suggested, and I had no way to tell which word is most popular. What do you suggest? Still? Home destiller? Or what?
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Hope the feedback helps, Göran Johansson!
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maybe gunpowder & this scene are connected as one. If there was a shot of gunpowder flashing from the gun used to kill one of the character. it would be sporadic during the back and forth dialogue. I suggest make it off beat as heck and the ending of each scene is flowing throw out and his is a smooth operating criminal GUNPOWDER
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Göran Johansson Ah, understood. If you're going for realism I would likely use a bottle of the homemade hooch (liquor) already bottled, but use visuals so it's obvious that the liquor is not store-bought. If the home distillation thing is key to the plot/Gunpowder's character that's another thing. Now I understand what Pauline was drinking and why she grimaced after tasting it. Also I agree with Maurice, very cool script name.
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Hi Göran Johansson - I am the Writer Consultant at Stage 32. Thanks for posting this short script here. If you are looking for additional help or thoughts moving the project forward please feel free to reach out to me at success@stage32.com - I will be happy to give assistance!
Dear Jason, I hope I will have something for your success stories later this year.
Dear friends, after reading your comments, I wrote a new version.
Please suggest further improvements.
INT GUNPOWDER'S OFFICE - DAY
A sign for the CIA. Wall decoration is related to Nazism and Marilyn Monroe's death. A black antique phone on the desk. Seven gold bars on the floor.
GUNPOWDER, 50, sloppily dressed, puts a still into a cupboard and grins.
PAULINE, 30, pregnant and has forgotten to close the zipper in her trousers. She wears a rainbow colored sweater as she enters and looks mischievously on the still.
Gunpowder flashes a mischievous smile.
NOISE. Gunpowder becomes nervous. Pauline exits.
PAULINE (OS)
Don't try to find your husband right now... I'll tell my uncle.
Pauline re-enters, nods. Horrified, Gunpowder bolts out the door. Pauline flashes a mischievous smile, takes a drink, then grimaces, and bolts out the door, covering her mouth.
Light bulb stops working.
Pauline drags Gunpowder back into the office and leaves him on the floor. Gunpowder shows signs of pain. Pauline wipes herself around her mouth with a towel.
GUNPOWDER
Pauline, you are my favorite niece.
PAULINE
Thanks, Uncle Gunpowder.
GUNPOWDER
Our Titan who wants to make cuts in our budget must be eliminated.
PAULINE
That sounds difficult.
GUNPOWDER
Trust me. You want those?
Gunpowder points to the gold bars. Pauline looks curious and changes the light bulb.
THE END
Vincent said what might be worth all the gold you have there on the floor. Make it off beat as heck. Tweak, until you have a laugh out loud moment.
Dear friends, is the following version better?
INT GUNPOWDER'S OFFICE - DAY
A CIA sign. Wall decoration related to Marilyn Monroe's death. Gold bars on the floor.
GUNPOWDER, 50, sloppily dressed, puts a still into a cupboard and smirks.
PAULINE, 30, pregnant, enters and looks mischievously at the still. She wears a rainbow-colored t-shirt.
NOISE. Gunpowder winces. Pauline exits.
PAULINE (OS)
Don't try to find your husband right now... I'll tell my uncle.
Pauline re-enters and nods. Horrified, Gunpowder bolts out the door. Pauline takes a drink from the still, grimaces and bolts out the door, covering her mouth with a hand.
Light bulb stops working.
Pauline drags Gunpowder back and leaves him sprawled on the floor. Gunpowder shows signs of pain. Pauline wipes herself around her mouth.
TEXT MESSAGE ALERT. Pauline checks her phone.
PAULINE
Our informant at the university. Budget cut for us. Miss Money paid von Asperger to do some math.
GUNPOWDER
Wish I was in another galaxy!
PAULINE
Well, teleportation would be fun.
GUNPOWDER
Pauline, you are my favorite niece.
PAULINE
Thanks, Uncle Gunpowder.
Gunpowder points to the gold bars.
PAULINE
No thanks. Give them to our Titan, and there won't be any budget cut.
Gunpowder points to Pauline.
PAULINE
But, killing him is... complicated.
Gunpowder shakes his head.
PAULINE
Put the gold in his office. Then a heist reveals that he loves bribes.
Gunpowder shakes his head.
PAULINE
Our informant at the university has murdered. Pay her.
GUNPOWDER
Is that bookworm sober?
PAULINE
Give our Titan fake information. He'll believe that it comes from Miss Money.
Gunpowder shakes his head.
PAULINE
Use a lookalike to add fake photos, connecting her to some scandal.
GUNPOWDER
Either you or your lookalike kill our Titan.
PAULINE
Where am I supposed to find my lookalike? In another galaxy?
GUNPOWDER
Wouldn't matter.
PAULINE
I'll solve this problem, even if I have to find my lookalike.
Pauline exits. Gunpowder dials on the antique phone.
GUNPOWDER
(into phone)
Hey, it's me... Don't tell my dumb niece that the gold bars are fakes.
Still stops working. Gunpowder sobs.
THE END
The silence is telling. OK, I think about what is best to do.
Hi G Just seen this & will be in touch later.