Screenwriting : First page friday in Japan by James Sutherland

I'd definitely watch BOBBY KNUX, James Sutherland! I'm rooting for Bobby just from reading the logline!

I think you did an excellent job with the action lines. It feels like Rob/Bobby’s dialogue “smarten up” will play a bigger role later in the story. I only have two small notes:

You might wanna change “TOILET” to “BATHROOM,” “RESTROOM,” or "OUTHOUSE" in the scene heading.

An action line says “He grips two buckets...” Who grips the buckets? I think it’s Tadao, but I’m not sure.

Great first page James. My only problem is the word "meet," it has now fuction in what the audiece sees on screen, just as "we see"; it's taken over by many screenwriters from pro scripts they read because seemingly it sounds cool... but still is functionless.

I was confused by toilet in slug line; anyways Im not a fan of ppl talking into mirrors.

i would open with street fight.

I liked it but I would have followed up the first scene with him actually in the ring fighting, maybe losing or getting disqualified, for impact. Then follow up with the street.

You have the spirit of a fighter well present. The third paragraph. Is that what you all champs call "character description"? I never write them. Think they take up too much time. About your opening strategy. It could work to have him retch and run straight at us - cut and he pukes into the toilet instead.

Maybe it's because English (or American-English) is not my first language, but "five o'clock shadow" stopped me right in my read and I had to google it. It sounds great, but maybe a tiny bit too literary for a script IMHO.

Hi Thomas Yazar thank you for the comment, I'll look into less jarring options for that description!

Thank you Wal Friman for your feedback, I like the dynamism of the retching and running, I'll consider that in the next iteration!

Hi Anthony and Dan, thank you for this, the fight starts on the next page, but I see your points and will consider pushing it forward.

Rutger Oosterhoff I'm not a big fan of "we see" either, thank you for your comments and feedback, I'll look to change or remove that.

Maurice Vaughan thank you as always for your supportive comments and constructive feedback, "smarten up" serves as a throughline in the story, happy you spotted it, got your notes will be applying them in the next draft!

You're welcome, James Sutherland.

Hi James, I really like the universe that can be felt from the first page, well done!

Concerning the logline, I don't see how going back into the ring can save the protagonist's kidnapped daughter. I suggest maybe to show the link between the two situations?

All the best

Liking what you've put so far! A good source would be checking out our script coverage (https://www.stage32.com/scriptservices/coverage) in order to gauge feedback!

James Sutherland just the title alone is so bad ass !!!

Ive been watching this 1-page screenwriting series, Spot the Pro.

https://youtu.be/qEbDLIgWeAc?si=sCkX3Gj5xxgaLD8L

Dan MaxXx dan i love these !! you put me on game !!