Below comes the first half page of my new screenplay. Please help me to find as many errors as possible.
About the details. All locations are used also in later scenes, so those details which don't immediatley matter, instead become important in later scenes.
One question is when to begin a new line. As I hope you see, there is a new line when Pauline is mentioned in each scene, but I don't know if it is a good idea to write like this.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Early April. A deserted cemetery with a church, a parking lot, a bench, a trash can and a hedge.
PAULINE, 30, exits grieving.
EXT. CIA HOUSE - DAY
A poorly kept house bears a sign that reads "CIA". The main door is made of wood. Garden chairs among empty beer cans. A shovel is stuck in the ground near the trash can.
Pauline enters the house.
INT. STAIRWELL - DAY
A shabby stairwell with a first-aid kit at the upper end of the stairs. A sign near the door reads "ARCHIVE."
Pauline enters, walks into the archive, returns with an unused practice target and exits. GUNSHOT.
PAULINE (O.S.)
Quit messing with me! Attending a pride festival is totally legal!
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I think you’re off to a nice start, Göran Johansson.
You could beef up your action lines so they’re more interesting to read.
Example #1: “Pauline enters the house.” You could write that as something like “Pauline drags into the house.” And her dragging/moving slowly would reinforce that she’s grieving from the previous scene.
Example #2: “Pauline enters, walks into the archive, returns with an unused practice target and exits. GUNSHOT.” You could write that as something like “Pauline pushes open the door slowly and stares into the archive, numbness in her eyes. She clutches her chest, grieved. Pauline pulls herself together. She grabs a new practice target and leaves, ready to do what she has to do… GUNSHOT.” I'm guessing she's about to torture someone for information, but you wrote "practice target," so I'm not really sure what's going on in the scene. My suggestion takes up more space, but I think it’ll be more interesting to read.
Also, since Pauline goes from the stairwell to the archive, I suggest adding a scene heading for the archive.
You could also beef up your action lines so they reveal things about the characters.
Example: “PAULINE, 30, exits grieving.” You could use that moment to reveal something about that character. Does she wear a necklace that her mom gave her before she passed away? Is she a smoker? Etc.
I don’t know much about Pauline’s character, but by the way she talks, she sounds like a teenager or young adult, not a CIA agent. Also, when Pauline is first introduced in the script, add one or two adjectives to describe her personality. The description will help readers picture Pauline and know about her. You could also mention her appearance and clothes when she’s first introduced if they’re important to the story.
“One question is when to begin a new line.” I start a new line if the paragraph gets too long (I like to keep my action paragraphs to 1-3 sentences). I also start a new line if the action changes. Say I write an action paragraph about the protagonist fighting someone. I’ll start a new line when the fight is over.
If I want to put focus on something (like an important object), I’ll give it its own action line.
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...exits in grief.
EXT. DESERTED CEMETERY - DAY
PAULINE...
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Dear friends, many thanks for your help.
Any more comments?
You're welcome, Göran Johansson.
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Hey Göran Johansson have you written anymore so far? I'd be happy to have a look and offer my feedback. I'll shoot you a DM.
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Dear Celine, I just sent you a personal mssage.
Yes, I have written a lot.
Originally in my native language. when the screenplay was 93 pages long (and the document with deleted scenes was 153 pages long), I translated into English. Since USA doesn't use the same paper size as we do in Europe, the translation became 104 pages long. But production companies prefer short screenplays, so I have cut it down to 96 pages. Deleting a few words here and there.