I would love some feedback on my logline for a TV series I am developing. Here are the three loglines I am trying to decide between:
1) A young woman escapes a remote, eugenics-driven community engineered to preserve humanity against deadly diseases, and as a fugitive she finds help from a rugged man who will protect her from those determined to keep the governments darkest secrets safe.
2) A young woman escapes a remote, eugenics-driven community engineered to preserve humanity against deadly diseases, pursued by those determined to protect the governments darkest secrets, she finds help from rugged man she meets in the mountains.
3) In a eugenics-driven community engineered to preserve humanity against deadly diseases, a young woman escapes with the help of a man she meets in the remote mountainside, pursued by those determined to protect the governments darkest secrets.
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Hi, Jason B. Whittier. I like the flow of logline #3 the best, but I think it needs the story's goal (what the woman tries to accomplish) and the stakes. Also, it sounds like the man is the main character in logline #1 because he's the character with the goal ("a rugged man who will protect her").
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I like three. I think its tighter.
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Might want to be clear, if to envision the series is in the community or in the mountains.
A young, deadly-diseases scientist’s odds of surviving her government hired followers through the wilderness, rise a notch, when helped by a rugged mountain man.
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3 for me.
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Thank you everyone! I greatly appreciate the feedback.
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You're welcome, Jason B. Whittier.
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The concise the better. Should contain the inciting incident and stakes. So for me, 3 fits best.
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Need to condense them furhter so it doesn't read like a run on sentence.
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Hi Jason! These are intriguing loglines with a strong, suspenseful premise. Here’s some feedback to help you decide:
Logline 1: This version sets a clear, engaging narrative with a strong protagonist and stakes. The phrase “fugitive” adds urgency, and the rugged protector introduces an interesting dynamic. Consider tightening the phrasing for clarity, e.g., “…who protects her from forces determined to keep the government’s darkest secrets hidden.”
Logline 2: This version is action-focused and flows well, highlighting the pursuit aspect effectively. However, the wording “…she finds help from a rugged man she meets in the mountains” feels slightly less impactful. It could be rephrased for smoother flow, such as “…she finds an unlikely ally in a rugged mountain man.”
Logline 3: This one sets the scene well with a clear opening about the community, but it shifts focus partway through, making it slightly less immediate. If you want to maintain the order, consider: “After escaping a eugenics-driven community engineered to preserve humanity against deadly diseases, a young woman finds refuge with a man in the remote mountains, while pursued by those intent on safeguarding the government’s darkest secrets.”
Personally, I think Logline 1 has the strongest impact, as it quickly establishes the protagonist, stakes, and external conflict. Hope this helps—these all sound very compelling! Looking forward to hearing what direction you go with!
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Drop eugenics. Use 'selective breeding' or 'genetically engineered'.
The three logs essentially use the same overstuffed verbiage that is moved around. A suggestion to start from scratch with new text for greater clarity.
There are no stakes. What occurs if the "dark secrets" are exposed? What is the connection between the community and the 'those'.
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Pass on all 3 loglines. Your woman hero character doesnt have much of a plan or goal without a rugged dude to rescue her from whatever. Need more than a boring adjective, "young", describing hero.
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Hi, Jason B. Whittier. Here my idea for a logline for you. Remember, a logline should cover the who, what, where, when, and why of your script in a concise sentence.
"In a society where eugenics dictate survival, a desperate woman flees her controlled existence with the aid of a mysterious outsider, evading relentless pursuers intent on silencing the government’s darkest secrets."
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A young woman escapes a secluded, disease-free eugenics community. On the run, she finds an ally in a rugged protector willing to shield her from those guarding dark government secrets.
Personally like what Jerry Robbins suggested. It tightens up the idea and winds up the tension.
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After fleeing a community bred purely to eradicate disease, a woman searching for the truth joins forces with a man raised in the mountains to evade agents sent in to protect the government's darkest secrets.