Screenwriting : Looking for some feedback.... by Tom Batha

Tom Batha

Looking for some feedback....

Hi. I’m a mostly-lurker member just trying to get the lay of the land. During my free time I write.

I just finished a TV pilot that I’d like to run by you. It’s a Horror/Action-Thriller called DEITY.

Logline: “After a rookie FBI agent miraculously heals from the mortal gunshot wounds inflicted by her murderous colleagues, she goes on the run while struggling to understand her emerging abilities.”

This pilot has old-school act-breaks (even though it's more for cable) and a cliffhanger ending.

I’ve run it by some screenwriting pros (coverage/notes) and got back a really, really mixed bag of comments. Made some revisions. Now ready for additional comments.

If you’ve got some time, please feel free to provide some commentary/opinions.

Here’s the pilot:

https://www.stage32.com/sites/stage32.com/files/assets/screenplay/175467...

Thanks,

Tom

Rutger Oosterhoff

Page 12

Scores of cops and agents conduct interviews with Finnian, Connor and Sanders on the front lawn.

I would say only one or two agent would interrogate them.

Page 19

HOODED MAN

(in a low, raspy,

slithering voice

Why bolf paty of it?! Don't bold at all.

Page 20

INT. BANK OF AMERICA - DAY

No wonder.

With the exception of Billy, everyone -- customers, tellers, in suspended animation.

No movement, not even their eyes, as the only thing they see before them is the last moment before time stopped.

Yes, even the clocks have stopped.

The talking of you like you're the narrator doesn't do anything for me. I woulld. simply cut the cliche of showing a clock to show that time has stoped.

Cut "No wonder"

Cut "Yes" , hey cut the whole sentence!

Page 22

The sentence in blue is an accident. Right?!

Personally I would cut all the "we" talk, but that's just me.

Page 25

He walks with a slight limp to his Ford Explorer, then sees something and suddenly stops.

The apple drops from his mouth.

Cut " sudenly", the context already makes it very vlear that's it abrupt.

Page26

Don,'t get me wrong..

And in an instant she's on him, like the forty-foot

separation between them just...vanished.

...here you playing the narrator , as in a one or two other places I like it.

Page27

As she runs across the street a WHITE VAN suddenly

accelerates and SLAMS into her, catapulting Eve a good twenty feet in the air.

Again, cut "suddenly".

Page 36

EVE

Seriously? You found part of a robe

worn by Jesus, THE JESUS, extricated

remnants of DNA, bio-engineered it,

then spliced it into me when I was

just a kid?

Cool! Very originall!!

Page 38

NANA BETTY (cont'd)

with unlimited resources who want

nothing more than to see you dead.

You do realize you're at the top of

their "to do" list, right? You

present a threat and they're going to

do everything in their power to

eliminate that. Even now they're

searching.

Cut "Even now they're

searching."

It's redundant.

That's how far I read.

I liked it!! It's a Fast read!

Dan MaxXx

Im just not into using "we see..." in the first page , first sentence descriptions and a flashback "25 years ago" to open.

25 years ago means nothing to me. Describe more the world of the story. I wouldnt know how a Marketplace in the middle east looks 25 years ago than to present day.

I lost interest on page 4, with "Present Day."

Anyways, is this idea/plot similar to LUCY starting ScarJo? That idea had a fanastic visual twist.

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