Screenwriting : Do you need logline help? Comment below if you've got a comedy feature logline you're working on! by Pat Alexander

SEX FOR A LIFETIME

Two teen brothers whose dad bets on to get laid, decide that doing movie stunts in front of girls will prove them genetically desirable.

Wal Friman haha love the title! My best crack at it would be: When a Dad bets his two idiot teenage sons that they can't get laid, the fearless daredevils set out to become movie stuntman, a profession that will surely make them genetically desirable.

Catchy title, Wal Friman!

You established the brothers' goal (though it could be more specific)—is it a challenge or competition due to the dad's bet or to impress a specific girl? Or is the plot about two brothers trying to one-up each other? In any case, who or what is the obstacle/antagonist that needs to be overcome, since that is the bulk of your script? A logline should tell us what changes the protagonist's status quo and sets them on a journey. to achieve a goal. Who or what is the obstacle to achieving the goal? And, what is the final life-or-death dilemma the protagonist faces that is so intriguing that the reader wants to hear more?

Thank you, thank you. Excellent thoughts. Carefully reading. Clarity is important but then again the main thing is that producers know genre and tone. This is about the boys who know nothing about seducing. But now they have to, because their competitive dad made a huge bet on them. That makes the girls their obstacle. It's my pre-writing logline and I will have to be clearer about the flaw later. Playing with the thought to call it Too Much Sex.

It's a comedy, so something has to go wrong. What if the Dad bets against the boys, and then to his surprise the stunts seem about to work, so he has to sabotage his own sons? Maybe he undermines them by bringing in some competitive stuntsters to steal the boys' thunder, requiring them to keep upping their game until they are on the verge of a too dangerous stunt, and then the Dad has to choose between his sons or winning the bet?

WHITE BANDANA

GENRE: Fantasy, Comedy

LOGLINE: A lazy girl with superpowers is trying to fight crime to become a superhero, but she absolutely does not know how to control her superpowers.

Why does she want to become a superhero, Arthur Charpentier?

Maurice Vaughan

The heroine wants to become a superhero in order to succeed in society. Self-actualize as a strong independent successful woman. In short, she does it for the sake of fame. And the heroine is ready to become a supervillain for the sake of success, if she fails to become a superhero.

Some successful people become famous, Arthur Charpentier, but success and fame aren’t always the same.

If she wants to become successful, how about this logline: A lazy girl who doesn't know how to control her superpowers fights crime to prove she can be a superhero, ready to become a supervillain for success if her hero plan fails.

If she wants to become famous, how about this: A lazy girl who doesn't know how to control her superpowers fights crime to prove she can be a superhero, ready to become a supervillain to be famous if her hero plan fails.

@ Richard. Thanks. Solid stuff. That kind of approach would rock quite hard. My approach will be more gentle. But yes, things must go wrong. I find it hilarious when they don't know how to seduce.

Maurice Vaughan

Thank you very much! I like both options. But translated into Russian, the loglines sound a little threatening, I think they don't feel the comedy genre. What if we add comedy to the situation with the supervillain.

A girl who does not know how to control her superpowers, fights crime to prove that she can be a superhero, but succeeds when she decides to become a supervillain.

You're welcome, Arthur Charpentier. Your logline feels more like comedy than my logline. I think your logline could be smoother though, and I think you should mention the part about her wanting success/fame in your logline.

Wanting success in life/fame, a girl who doesn’t know how to control her superpowers fights crime to prove she can be a superhero, but finds success/fame when she becomes a supervillain.

Wanting success in life/fame, a girl who doesn’t know how to control her superpowers fights crime to prove she can be a superhero, but succeeds when she becomes a supervillain.

Maurice Vaughan

Thank you so much for your help! I really like these logline.

You're welcome, Arthur Charpentier.

Arthur Charpentier because it's a comedy, I'll try to give you logline tailored more to the comedic tone of the script. How about this: When the world's laziest teenage girl discovers she possesses superpowers, she must learn to control them and defend her city, that is if she can get off the couch first.

Pat Alexander

Thank you very much! Yes, it's a funny logline. The heroine of the plot is a White bandana lazy in a different way. She doesn't want to learn how to use her superpowers properly, believing that everything should work out by itself. I have a synopsis of this story in the loglines section. The white bandana can fly, but it can't land. It can easily cause a category 6 hurricane. She can't get to the right place with lightning. Her lasers from her eyes do not cause harm because they have little power. But she can copy the Cyclops.

Pat, here I come with my head in my hands.

I put "Rut" out there...only to remove it after the original logline earned a 1.0 rating.

Here's the original logline:

An Iraq War Air Force pilot-turned-retirement consultant teams with her neighbor, a realtor from a family of Russian spies, to start a pizza parlor in contemporary Sacramento...for a different kind of excitement.

The two leads (retirement consultant Susannah and realtor Valentina) have experience cooking at home. It's their fun.

They've got more experience eating in restaurants than working in restaurants.

If I can find a better logline than the one above, I'll stick "Rut" back on here.

Just want to get this ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

Hey, Jim Boston. How about this: After/when _______ (the inciting incident), an Iraq War Air Force pilot-turned-retirement consultant teams with her neighbor, a realtor from a family of Russian spies, to start a pizza parlor in contemporary Sacramento _______ (the story goal) to/in order to/so ________ (stakes).

And are "Iraq War" and "contemporary Sacramento" essential to the story? If not, you could take them out of the logline and save them for the synopsis and Susannah's bio.

two women, a military consultant and a realtor, open a pizzeria and get into a lot of funny situations because they are bad cooks, but they do not want to give up.

Clearer about the genre maybe.

A retirement consultant and a realtor take their cooking hobby to the next level, opening a contemporary pizza parlor, that prepares them every unforeseeable catastrophe imaginable.

Arthur, Maurice, and Wal, thank you so DOGGONE much for weighing in!

I won't mention anything about the Iraq War in the next logline try...but I still like mentioning the city and the time period when I put up loglines. (I like to think that each city's got its own flavor...and so does each decade of human history.)

Just want something that'll resonate at least with readers.

I'd never before put up a logline that failed to resonate with the first person to read it...and effing right it hurts.

For all the fun I get out of writing, I still understand there's A WHOLE LOT at stake...starting with reputation.

I can't afford to get off on the wrong foot.

Thanks so very much for your help...glad you're here on Stage 32!

How does this one sound?

Here goes:

In contemporary Sacramento, a retirement consultant and a realtor take their cooking hobby to the next level by opening their own pizza parlor...despite backgrounds that didn't prepare them for the next level.

I know I'm late to the party, as usual, lol But here goes: "Billionaire’s Baby Blues"

After a fertility mistake disrupts her carefully planned life, a billionaire CEO embarks on a rollicking journey to find her baby's dad, only to discover the messy, imperfect beauty of family along the way.

You're welcome, Jim Boston. Your logline is better. I think the ending needs some work though.

What about this: In contemporary Sacramento, a retirement consultant and a realtor take their cooking hobby to the next level by opening a pizza parlor despite knowing nothing about running a restaurant, _______ (maybe something about the mishaps and chaos that happen if that's part of the story).

Or this: In contemporary Sacramento, two close friends who know nothing about running a restaurant take their cooking hobby to the next level by opening a pizza parlor, _______ (maybe something about the mishaps and chaos that happen if that's part of the story).

There's a $500 late-to-the-party fee, DD Myles. We accept Apple Pay, Venmo, PayPal, and Stage 32 Bucks. No cash. Haha I think you have a solid logline, but I think the ending could be smoother (I suggest changing "only to discover" to "discovering"), and I think you should use a different word than "rollicking." People might not know what it means.

Maurice, I think I've got the ending to "Rut's" new logline!

In contemporary Sacramento, a retirement consultant and a realtor take their cooking hobby to the next level by opening a pizza parlor...despite knowing nothing about running a restaurant or the industry's ups and downs.

As long as that resonates with readers (at the least), I'll feel better about putting the script out there.

Thanks so doggone much for sticking a bug in my ear!

Good job Jim. It's very clear now what it is about and what one can expect.

You're welcome, Jim Boston. I agree with Wal Friman!

@ DD. Yeah. Very nice. "Carefully planned life..." Thinking, if she hopes the journey to be behind her quickly, you could write "carefully planned schedule".

Wal Friman Maurice Vaughan thanks, guys! I'll rewrite it and try those suggestions. Like they say "3 heads are better than one!" Lol

Arthur Charpentier Love the idea! Reminds me of "Hancock" and "Shazam" But a little more reveal in the logline will make it sing! Like so. LOGLINE: A lazy girl with superpowers is trying to fight crime to become a superhero, -

- but her inability to control her powers leads to chaotic, often disastrous attempts, forcing her to learn that responsibility might be her greatest challenge yet. OR

- but her hilarious mishaps and lack of control wreak havoc on her city, forcing her to decide whether she’s really cut out for the hero's life—or just causing more problems. OR

- but bumbles her way through crime-fighting, leaving a trail of destruction as she tries to prove she has what it takes to be the superhero she pretends to be. Hope this helps! Cheers!!

_

DD Myles

Thank you very much for your help. I like your logline options. Based on them, I wrote a new logline that describes the story I want to write.

A girl with superpowers, trying to become famous as a superhero, clumsily fights crime, leaving behind a trail of destruction, which causes the anger of ordinary people. Desperate, the heroine decides to become a supervillain, but fate gives her one last chance to succeed in a good way.

Nice!! But that reads like a great synopsis! I would humbly suggest taking out -"which causes the anger of ordinary people" and replacing it with, " A clumsy girl endowed with superpowers, craving to be a superhero, unleashes the supervillain in her, but as she leaves behind a trail of destruction and public dissent, fate offers her one last chance at redemption. --shorter and to the point. (keeping the logline in one sentence)

You're welcome, DD Myles. I like your latest logline suggestion for Arthur, but I think the ending is vague ("fate offers her one last chance at redemption").

DD Myles

Thanks a lot for the new version of the logline. But this is no longer a comedy and not exactly what I want to tell. My character doesn't do anything wrong as a supervillain. She just wants and is ready to become a supervillain if she fails to discover her cool superhero talent and become famous.

Oh!! I think you have a winner as a comedy. Think about a "dark comedy" maybe? I recommend watching animations and movies like "The Incredibles" but watch it from the villain Syndrome's perspective: Syndrome's main motivation was his hatred of people with superpowers and his desire to be a hero himself. He was a former sidekick who became a superhero killer. His character traits would be a good guideline to your anti-heroine. Maurice Vaughan, yeah, I left it vague so Arthur could interject his thoughts into the rewrite. I think once he settles on what genre he wants everything will move forward for him.

DD Myles

I have another idea for a dark comedy, but there is no plot. A zombie model agency.

LOGLINE:

A young model signs a contract with the NecroStar modeling agency, where zombie models work. However, not everyone likes the presence of a live girl. Someone is trying to kill the heroine and she will have to learn all the laws of the modeling business from her own experience and not die before the end of the contract, otherwise she will have to work after death for an eternity.

That's a unique idea, Arthur Charpentier! How about this: After signing with a zombie modeling agency, a live girl climbs to the top of the modeling world while fighting to stay alive against an unknown killer so she won’t have to work for eternity as a zombie.

Or this: After signing with a zombie modeling agency, a live girl who dreams of becoming a supermodel fights to stay alive against an unknown killer so she won’t have to work for eternity as a zombie.

I think you'll need to explain why she signs with a zombie modeling agency in the script.

Thanks a lot, Maurice Vaughan! The second version of the logline describes my idea better, although they are both great.

You're welcome, Arthur Charpentier.

I've slightly modified the logline of a dark comedy about a zombie model agency.

A live girl who dreams of becoming a supermodel starts working at a zombie model agency. Soon the heroine finds out that she needs to fight for her life not only with colleagues, but also against a mysterious villain so that she does not have to work forever as a zombie.

Hi, Arthur Charpentier. I think your logline needs a better flow, and I suggest using a one-sentence logline. A one-sentence logline sounds better in my opinion, and it takes less time for a producer, director, etc. to read it. You can use a two-sentence logline if you need to though.

Hello, Maurice Vaughan!

Do you mean something like this, or do I need to make the logline even shorter?

A live girl who dreams of becoming a supermodel starts working in a zombie model agency, however, soon the heroine is forced to fight for her life not only with colleagues, but also against a mysterious villain so that she does not have to work forever as a zombie.

I think the logline needs to be shorter, Arthur Charpentier.

Like this: After signing with a zombie model agency, a live girl who dreams of becoming a supermodel fights for her life against colleagues and a mysterious killer so she won’t have to work forever as a zombie.

Or this: A live girl who dreams of becoming a supermodel works at a zombie model agency where she fights for her life against colleagues and a mysterious killer so she won’t have to work forever as a zombie.

Okay, I get you. Thank you so much for your help, Maurice Vaughan! Both logline options look great.

You're welcome, Arthur Charpentier.