Screenwriting : First Draft Feedback by Jack Hilkewich

Hey Jack. Congratulations on completing your first draft. I believe your logline is a bit long and convoluted. I don't know if you have seen the movie A History of Violence, but I think your feature is probably a bit similar. The longline for this feature is: "A mild-mannered man becomes a local hero through an act of violence, which sets off repercussions that will shake his family to its very core." You might want to see if you can try to condense it. Good luck...

Curt Samlaska Thanks for this Curt. I really struggle with log lines.

Here’s a logline template that might help, Jack Hilkewich: After/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion), a _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes).

The inciting incident can also be at the end of the logline: A _______ (the main flaw the protagonist has to overcome in the script or an adjective that describes the protagonist’s personality) _______ (the protagonist’s position/job/career) tries to/attempts to/fights to/struggles to/strives to/sets out to/fights/battles/engages in/competes/etc. _______ (goal of story and try to add the obstacles here) to/so/in order to ________ (stakes) after/when ______ (the inciting incident/event that sets the plot in motion).

And Christopher Lockhart has a great webinar on loglines. It’s called “How To Make Your Logline Attractive to A-List Actors, Producers, Directors, Managers, Agents, Financiers and Development Execs” www.stage32.com/webinars/How-To-Make-Your-Logline-Attractive-to-A-List-A...

Maurice Vaughan , thanks buddy! Here is the amended version:

A loyal enforcer tries to leave his crime syndicate behind, but when his best friend dies under suspicious circumstances, he’s pulled back into a deadly web of betrayal and violence.

I edited my original post!

You're welcome, Jack Hilkewich. Your logline is better, but I think the last part is vague. I suggest telling his goal (solve his best friend's murder, escape the crime syndicate, etc.?) and the stakes.

Maurice Vaughan and here I thought the hardest part of writing a script was, writing a script!

I will leave it at that and maybe once the script gets hacked apart and the excess cut away, the log line will be easier to write.

Loglines can be difficult, Jack Hilkewich. Sometimes I have to rewrite a logline over and over and over until I figure out the right one. Yeah, it might be easier to figure out your logline once you're finish rewriting the script.