Anything Goes : Beginnings are optional. Endings are guaranteed. by Amit Mehra

Men often die by what, who they love...Booze, drugs, food, money, cars, planes, ships, power or women. They live hating everything else. As some of you know, I am the biggest foodie crawling in the kitchen...any kitchen. I would travel galaxies to find a good cut of meat. A few months back, I started experiencing a pain in my abdomen and soon it became more frequent than my search for the next big meal. Three odd months back, I discovered that I have gallstones. The first casualty was my diet. So finally it had happened. Another relationship I loved was coming to an end. Yes, I have a relationship with my food, just like I did with some of the other vices listed above. The one with food has been the longest one I ever had. Even when everyone, everything left me, or I left them, what always remained was my relationship with food. Today, that too, is ending. Atleast, the way I knew it. I can still eat what I want but in a very small quantity and always with the fear of pain unless i eat what I don't want then I am safe. Needless to say, I lust for all that I can't have. Lust, is the deadliest sin. Everything you lust for, eventually kills you. In the end, despite all that you have collected, you are only left with memories of unfulfilled desires. Compared to that, everything else seems invisible. As if the whole world around you is unreal, imaginary, except the pain of longing for what you don't have. That is real. And then at some point even that will end, like the snuffed out wick of the last candle burning in a room full of nothingness. This makes me wonder, why do we begin anything when we know everything comes to an end. Even if we choose not to begin something, we will still experience an end. Like our lives, we can choose not to live it, but the end is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Not even memories or dreams. So why do we painstakingly weave them? Imagine this - Somewhere at this very moment, someone is holding a beloved's hand for the first time and someone for the last time. They are both anxious. One is at the threshold of a beginning, the other at the gates of an end and yet they are both experiencing the same emotion. Their anxiety is actually the excitement emanating from their fear of the unknown. This is infact nothing to fear because it is an energy source that propels our journey to our next destination from wherever we are. The possibilities seem limitless even though they may not be but who is to know? Only those who have lived or died. Which is to say, everyone at some point or always but never never. And yet, we are constantly seeking comfort of the familiar. Seldom acknowledging that what really pleasures us is the very fear of the unknown that we are constantly dodging. Familiar is another word for pain. Comfort is another word for prison. Life is not about planting roots in a familiar land but leaving the shores of the womb, the warmth, to chase and burn in the raging fires of our imagination...because what is life if not a dream, defined by the sum total of our imagination or lack of it. Even something as real as sex is nothing if not an exploration of the form, the senses through the power of your imagination. Much like movies, music, love or food. So is the pain I experience every time I try to engage with my dying relationship with the food, imaginary or real? I don't know the answer to that but what I do know is this - There is no pain killer in the world better than distraction. And nothing distracts you like writing about an imaginary or real pain of love, longing or losing. So late last night when I was having another incident of pain, I chose to battle it with distraction in the form of this note. It worked. Eventually, I forgot about the pain and slept dreaming of the good beginnings of my relationship with food. When I woke up this morning, I thought to myself, this ended rather well. No matter how long the wick, how tall the candle, eventually the wax melts away but not before giving out a fantastic burst of flame with glorious light and fury of colours landscaping the darkness of the room one last time and perhaps that's what it's all about. Every time, we go looking for new beginnings, what we are actually craving for are spectacular endings. We just don't know it then... - Amit Mehra