Screenwriting : Opinions on this Logline? by David George Sears

Doesn't really tell you what the story is, just an incident. Maybe try : A desperate man's decision to commit suicide, has dire consequences for his best friend. Sell the sizzle, not the steak.

Thanks for the reply! I like yours. It's shorter and too the point! haha you should have seen my loglines for earlier projects...some of them were just..awful lol

It's a learning curve. I've spent more time on loglines and synopsis' than I care to remember.

Yep...I've got plenty of time to improve my craft. I can only get better!

Is there enough of a story here for a feature? Or is it a short...

It's a short...we're shooting for 45 minutes, but if we can't secure a couple areas to film, then we're going to rewrite and make it shorter to fit.

How about something like "A man intent on suicide must find a way to avoid killing his friend in the process." That would make me want to know more about the situation, how he got into it and how he'll get out of it.

I like it, but that would be a misleading logline. He isn't trying to find a way to avoid killing his friend. I can't explain it without giving major things away.

If he isn't trying to avoid it then how is it a problem?

why is it a problem that his friend is about to die? if death is good enough for him, why isn't death good enough for his friend? Is the friend dying because of the suicide? Does the friend die trying to stop the suicide? Is the problem that he won't be there to comfort the friend's family? You've given us a situation without letting us know why it's important that his friend doesn't die.

Sounds good. I would also take out the eating part, but It sounds good.

@Judith - Proof that the logline's working. You're asking questions.

The eating in the favorite diner part is to place to set the setting